Recent wage increases in Seattle and New York have ignited a protest movement pressuring the federal government to enforce a $15 per hour minimum wage nationwide. Repeatedly, we have heard from Obama and other politicians that “It is impossible to raise a family on the minimum wage.” Fair-minded conservatives and libertarians have asked the reasonable question why someone would choose to raise a family while working an unskilled job meant for teenagers.

In fact, it is because these jobs require no skills that we should support the increase. In this article I will provide two important reasons why we must all support Obama’s mission to boost the minimum wage.

Eliminate Customer Service

They won't forget your extra pickles.

They won’t forget your extra pickles.

The first and most important reason to support the minimum wage hike is obvious: So that we no longer have to deal with customer service. Recently, I was in Paris in order to enjoy what remains of Western Europe before the collapse. While walking past a McDonald’s I saw something that forever changed my position on the minimum wage: automated machines to order food.

If the minimum wage suddenly doubled, a huge layoff would sweep across the nation. Instead of paying unskilled workers an inflated $15 per hour, businesses would turn to automated labor to offset the costs. Any initial costs incurred to invest in machines would be well worth the long-term gains of not having to deal with human employees. A machine doesn’t demand unreasonable wages, it won’t fuck up your order, and you don’t have to pay for its healthcare.

In a study published by the Manhattan Institute, researchers found that lifting the minimum wage to $15 an hour would negatively impact 55 million workers and incur a loss of 6.6 million jobs. And what would replace them? Machines.

Your pizza won't be late.

Your pizza won’t be late.

McDonald’s has already implemented automated machines in the U.S. “to make it easier for customers to order and pay for food digitally and to give people the ability to customize their orders.” That is corporate-speak for “we’re doing it for you, but we’re really doing it for us.” If McDonald’s, a leading global franchise, sees profits rise as a result of this business decision, you can rest assured that other businesses will follow suit.

The online retail giant Amazon has announced their drone delivery system. This will fundamentally alter the way online business operate. Executives have been boasting that in some cases their drones will deliver in 30 minutes or less.

Walmart, another giant, has admitted that they will further experiment with mechanized labor. When their CFO was asked about this specific issue, he responded that Walmart “will always look for more efficiencies in our stores and in our supply chain and in our costs.” Imagine that, a business looking to cut costs. Recently, Walmart announced they are closing 269 stores.

Obamacare paid for my virus scan.

Obamacare paid for my virus scan.

Wendy’s, famous for their square burgers and the red-haired girl who can legally consent to sexual acts, has also turned to alternatives in the face of higher minimum wage demands. Their CFO has said Wendy’s will:


Look at initiatives and how we work to offset any impacts of future wage inflation through technology initiatives, whether that’s customer self-order kiosks, whether that’s automating more in the back of the house in the restaurant. And you’ll see a lot more coming on that front later this year from us.

A brief recap: President Obama fans the flames of the masses clamoring for wage hikes. In response, businesses move to automated labor to cut costs and increase profits. If this was intentional, Obama is a fraud. If it was not intentional, Obama is an intellectual midget. You do the math.

Why You Should Support The Hike

A machine won't spit herpes in your coffee.

A robot won’t spit herpes into your coffee.

Most people absolutely detest interacting with customer service. Once in a while you’ll get lucky and interact with a cute girl. More often than not, you’ll be dealing with a recent arrival from El Salvador or a vaguely homosexual guy with a lisp taking your order. The other day I ordered a pizza and the delivery person was not a cute girl. It was a 51-year-old man from a nation unknown reading my receipt to me in broken English while his sedan leaked a Rorschach test of fluids onto my driveway. If a drone replaced this guy because of a minimum wage hike, I think we’d all support it.

If you hate smiling at the bipolar barista on antidepressants taking your order, dealing with the heavyset lesbian checking your tickets at the football game, and shouting repeatedly into the speaker at the drive-thru because the fat chick on the other end is snapping SIF pictures for Tinder, this reform is for you. These unskilled workers will get their raise, and it’ll come with simple instructions to install updates on their replacement before they turn in their apron and name tag.

Reduce Immigration

My last shower was during Ramadan. Get in.

My last shower was during Ramadan— Get in.

This leads to the second reason why we must support increasing the minimum wage: less immigration. More and more jobs are being outsourced right in our own country to people who can’t speak America’s native language of English and do not respect its native culture. This is because they’ll work for low wages doing unskilled work.

Imagine the benefits of replacing the foreign cab drivers in major U.S. cities with self-driving Ubers. Rather than listening to Ahmed scream into his Bluetooth about how his 9-year-old daughter is finally ready for marriage, you could listen to smooth jazz brought to you by Spotify, all while saving money.

Say hello to the future.

Say hello to the future.

Once the Third World learns that they can’t get a job washing cars or mopping floors because the robots have taken over, the border issue will solve itself. Between that and Donald Trump’s wall, the future already looks brighter. Bring on the $15 minimum wage, we’re ready.

Read More: How I Raised Myself From Failure To Success In Selling

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