If there’s anything more adorable than a 2 year old kid’s bare backside, I sure as hell haven’t seen it. One find day while sitting on the couch, a little one that I had grown quite fond of ran in to the living room in nothing but her birthday suit, jumping up and own with a big smile on her face and screeching at the top of her lungs.

“I pooped! I pooped all by myself!”

I immediately ran over, scooped her up, and started dancing around the living room with her in my arms. “Yay Haley! Good girl! All by yourself like a big girl? I’m so proud of you sweetheart!”

The celebration of fecal matter continued as we ran into the bathroom to view the evidence. Sure enough, there it was – floating in all its glory. I didn’t see any toilet paper in the bowl, so I sat her down in the tub. For a good 20 minutes while I was ensuring the Noli N Nali Big Girl Bubble Bath was doing its job, I smiled as she took every toy out of the plastic bin and shared her success.

To the rubber frog: “I pooped!”

To the wind-up shark with goggles: “I pooped!”

To the naked Barbie doll that didn’t quite survive an earlier hair cut: “I pooped!”

To the Dora the Explorer mermaid: “I pooped!”

With each announcement to her plastic friends, I kissed them on the head and explained to them how proud I was of Haley’s big girl accomplishments. I guess your first unassisted poop is a pretty big deal, so I made the most of it and let Haley enjoy the attention.

I personally don’t see what all the hubbub is about, because dropping a choco-dragon in a bowl for immediate disposal seems like it should be rather intuitive.

You see where I’m going with this. Here’s the strong independent woman translator:

I pay my own bills = I pooped!

I have my own apartment = I pooped!


I don’t need a man to buy me stuff = I pooped!

I worked my way through college = I pooped!

I have my own cubicle where I push papers = I pooped!

I always speak my mind = I pooped!

I went to a car lot alone and got a good deal = I pooped!

I had a flat tire, and I called AAA roadside assistance all by myself! = I pooped!

Whenever a strong independent women brags about doing something that a reasonable adult is expected to be doing anyway, don’t say what I say:

“I certainly hope so. Would you like a medal? How about a chest to pin it on?”

Instead, translate it in your mind to “I pooped!” then scoop her up and make a big deal about it. Twirl her around in the air, congratulate her, and let her know that you’re extremely impressed and unbelievably proud of her toddler-brained approach to life. When she brags about it to her plastic friends, kiss them on the head and tell them how amazing she is and how proud you are of her.

Caveat: If she’s fat or unattractive, ignore this advice. Tell her to shut the hell up and get out of your face, then make fun of her until she cries tears of strength. This serves absolutely no purpose, but it sure is entertaining.

But if she’s hot and you want to keep her happy while you’re banging her for a few months, the “I pooped” praise method will go a long way to promoting the decline of society as well as the decline of her panties around her ankles.

I encourage you to give it a try. You’ll hate yourself for it later, but following up with a little asshole game will make the world right again.

Read Next: The Myth of Never Hitting a Woman

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