Recently I’ve been on a 80’s and 90’s movie kick. Partially because the movies are so absurd that they are enjoyable, and partially because I don’t like to watch movies and have 18 problems surface which seems to be the current trend. I also love the the scenery of the long lost American woman. While watching Hardbodies on Crackle, I got to thinking, where did the American women go?

There was a time when America dominated everything. Foreign women loved our military men, and foreign men were envious of the abundance of our women. Those days are long gone, which is probably the biggest disappointment of my life. Being 24, the only thing I got to experience from 90’s women was the fantasy that when I grew older I too would have gorgeous women in bikinis. Imagine my horror when I got to college in 2006 and I had a better chance of finding oil in my backyard than large groups of gorgeous blondes on the beach.

Here’s a quick reflection of some of the great comparisons of the now extinct American beauty, and the current replacements.


Saved by the Bell dominated 90’s TV. Viewers got to drool over Kelly, and the worst they had to look at was Jessie.

fat amy

Saved by the Bell has now been replaced with Pitch Perfect. Yes the lead character is still attractive, but now instead of a less attractive friend, the world is left with Fat Amy. Oh Joy!

The Real World revolutionized television with the idea of reality TV, displaying seven seemingly attractive people in a house with the hopes of constant banging and arguments being caught on camera.


We are now left with The Biggest Loser, and while at least it bases it’s concept on losing weight, the series is still full of morbidly obese humpback whales.



Additionally, in the past we had Married with Children. The story of a typical loser man who hates his wife, has a weird son, and one really hot daughter.

Married with Children 10

Now we have Mike and Molly, the story of two love birds who can’t decide if they can figure out how sex works, or whether they should just eat another deep fried turkey.


In the days of yesteryear, women congregated in groups of primarily equal quality. At worst they had a less attractive friend who was usually still more attractive than the alternatives. It was roughly a three tiered system: hottest, slightly less hot, still bangable. Now we have hottest, slightly less hot, bangable, maybe if i’m completely shitfaced, and oh my god my eyeballs are bleeding.

So what happened? From watching 80’s movies its quite obvious that the system was perfect. Women and men had their gender roles, but when it came to the concept of sex they were on equal grounds. Thanks to feminism, women have been told men treat them as sex objects and they then second guess their sexcapades. In retrospect, in the 80’s women had the right to get laid for their own pleasure, and there were no negative consequences. Why? Because as men, as long as she’s a good lay and clean we don’t care.

Cindy Crawford is the prime example of the lost American Woman.

So now as men we have two options. We can either pretend we are in the 80’s and pine over old movies. Or we can leave the country where women still accept womanly roles and life procures as it should. Unfortunately, the American dream in regards to women is dead. There are no more Cindy Crawford’s of this country. The American woman is dead. And that my friends, is a sad, sad thing.

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