I’m not a hard alpha. I don’t stroll into the club and fire my finger guns off and have super models bouncing over with heaving bosoms on high heels. If I had to give an average of women I banged a month, I’d have to say that currently it’s about two – though in my own pathetic defence the few I get I find extremely plowable so the sex is good (usually, most of the time… on average). During the two warm months in Canada I can usually get up to three or four, but during the four sorta cold months and six deep freeze ones I’m stuck with one or two since women tend to hibernate and it’s nigh impossible to game them outside of club situations, and I’m sick of sex with drunk women (a few reasons why will be become apparent below).


I spent 10,000 hours learning Game for this?!

Still, I get laid fairly consistently and by women I’d probably date if they gave me any reason to respect or trust them. Apparently I, and men like me, are a minority of the population. I personally was not aware that most guys had problems picking up women until my university years. For the most part during high school the bangable girls dated, and very few normal guys seemed to be without a snuggle buddy. There were few harems going on, although I freely admit this might be vastly different in high schools located in large to mega sized cities.

I do believe however that despite how the popular media of today portrays them the vast majority of high school chicks are not (yet) part of the hook up culture. They may act skanky and give it up easily to their boyfriends but there’s still enough innocence and actual self respect there to make having random sex with strangers a despicable… okay I couldn’t keep typing that. We all know the real reason high school girls aren’t hard into the hook up culture is because they live their mom and possibly their dad (whom they still feel shame around, even if they don’t respect them) and they have no easy access to the booze and drugs needed to numb their inner sense of shame like they do once they turn eighteen and flee the house to become society’s mobile sperm banks.


Bye mom bye dad I’m off to university don’t look at my facebook or Redtube!

Still, it seems like there are a lot of dudes who just aren’t getting any. There’s no easy answer as to why the majority of women seem to only have sex with a minority of men. Far superior writers then I have written excellent thesis’s about this phenomenon and what propels it, so I feel little need to posit my own theories and assumptions. And for every theory on the symptoms, there are an equal number of suggestions as to what the average Joe can do to alleviate his sexual difficulties.

One near famous theory is that Joe Average’s main problem is that he’s ‘putting the pussy on the pedestal’. He’s overvaluing women to the point of worship, feeding their already inflated egos with his desperation and belittling himself in the process. Simply because he desires sex from her, beta men automatically assume and treat women like they’re better then him by default. And while this theory is wide spread, the solution to it is almost always the same: Joe Average just needs to take the v off the p. I think this is sound advice but like many things beta males mostly go about this in the wrong way. Often the beta male who takes this advice thinks that he must ‘ascend’ to the level of the vagina he wishes to enter. This is flawed thinking for two reasons; very few men who lack confidence with women in the first place will be able to attain said confidence through bringing himself ‘up’ to her level. And two; he still views the woman as a superior being, even if he ‘matches’ her level.


Gosh Miley in 2010, you’re so pretty and classy you’ll always be so much better then us slobs

Women are not superior begins. I’m going to draw more flak than a B-25 bomber and go so far as to say women are not inferior beings either. They have different strengths then men, and are far less rounded, but that does not make them inherently inferior. For the most part we’re all of equal value; we just excel at vastly different things. Women are people just like men are. Both sexes do the same things, for the most part feel the same anxieties, have the same embarrassments and suffer the same setbacks. Men just have the bad luck of being enslaved by a near psychotic need for sex, while bangable women seem to be able to turn their horniness on and off like a tap – unless they’re drunk or high of course, but hey that totally doesn’t, like, count; that’s like, rape or whatever.


Its about to get gross

And since both sexes do the same things, as a man, think about what you do. And not the noble stuff. Think about all the dirty, rotten, gross, despicable crap you do. Now think of the hottest woman you can imagine… and realize she does the exact same things. Look at all the Victoria Secret models (like you weren’t already). Every single one of those super models have had and will have diarrhoea so fierce she won’t leave the bathroom for forty minutes. It’s entirely possible that right now, at this very moment, Gisele Bundchen is sitting on a toilet, a grimace etched onto her face, as her butthole blasts out stringy rabbit turds that are getting stuck to the underside of the rim while she’s groaning and wondering why the hell she risked eating that spicy slice of lamb at the fundraiser. That hot woman you saw walking around with perfect C’s and an ass worthy of an epic bongo drumming session? Right now she’s looking around to make the cost is clear, and now she’s picking her nose and eating it.


leggings ass crack

God that thing is HOT – and poop comes out of it every single day

Women who are 9/10 have crapped themselves, have pissed their pants, have let farts out in front of royalty, have eagerly wolfed down food prepared by someone who picked their ass and didn’t wash their hands. For every gross act you can imagine, a chick you would mutilate yourself to be with has done or been subjected to it; often with some of them. Some have kinks that’d make you want to swallow a bucket of bleach after watching them do it. One friend of mine had a girlfriend who used to love to pop his pimples and zits and blackheads; apparently it made her… ’excited’… so he let her. Back in the day Mischa Barton was worshipped by several guys I knew; hard to think of her as a fairy tale princess when you can Google pictures of her walking around in white pants during her five day flowering.

So for those of you who’ve not already realized it, remember; just ‘cause she’s hot does not mean the chick you adore ain’t the bad kind of nasty. It’s hard to keep a woman up on the pedestal when you know that at some point the last 24 hours she’s wiped a big wad of poop out from between those butt cheeks you’re salivating over. Odds are the toilet paper ripped because her carefully painted nails sliced through it and she got shit finger and had to spend five minutes carefully cleaning out the underside of her nails (and still, unknowingly, didn’t get it all). With knowledge like that in mind, you’ll find it’s a lot easier to approach women. If you even still want to. You’re welcome.


*Sniff sniff* She thinks: “Dammit, still smells like crap. Oh well.”

And as a grotesque bonus here’s four semi-brief anecdotes about the grossest hot women Billy’s encountered!

The Bank Depositing Gold Digger!

Super hot girl I was into during my senior year in high school sat beside me in a lot of my classes. Looked over one day, noticed she put her head down on her desk with one arm curled around it. Thought she was sleeping at first, thinking to myself: D’awww, look at my cute princess, all tuckered out and headed to nappy town. Then, while I was day dreaming about giving her a kiss to wake her up, I noticed the other arm was shuffling around in front of her lowered face. She shifted for whatever reason and I got an eyeball full of her index finger up to the knuckle in her nose. She pulled it out with a pea coloured wad on the tip of it, stared, and ate it. After that I couldn’t help but notice her doing it all the time.

Who Needs A Fridge When You Have A Bed?

Around the same time, my senior year of high school. I was hanging out at a girl’s house watching a movie in her room. I noticed a spicy sour smell. Assumed it was just lingering stink from her mom’s cooking. After a bit my gal pal excused herself to the washroom (probably to do nasty stuff). I noticed the smell was really, really bad in the space between her bed and the wall. Not even thinking about it I rolled over and peeked underneath. The stink of rotting food hit me like a fart fired right into my nostrils. There were three plates underneath with green meat on them. As confused as I was about why anyone would build a mould factory under the bed, I was equally confused about why she ate in her room in the first place. Interesting tidbit: apparently Marilyn Monroe also stored food around her bed. Perhaps this is a universal symptom of some kind of mental illness. Or perhaps hot girls are just too lazy to scrape their plates off in the garbage – probably leave it around the bed so that a man will come pick it up and get rid of it for her after sex.

Not The Squirt I Was Looking For

Picked up a smoke show of a girl in the club. She was pretty drunk but hey, so was I – it was our first year at university, so it was pretty much mandatory that we spend it in a drunken haze. Went back to her dorm. Having a great time mound pounding. She climbs on top, everything’s going great…and all of a sudden feel my peener get really wet and really warm. First three seconds I proudly thought it was a simple orgasm. Next three I thought it was a squirt – having known about but never giving a chick one previously, I had no ability to judge. It took an embarrassing long time for me to figure out the awful truth before I squirmed out from under her and stumbled out of the bed. The room smelled like a big bucket of ammonia, Gatorade and vodka was all mixed together. To this day I have no idea who should be more embarrassed by the situation. Sure, she peed her bed – but she also peed on a man. I’d say that’s +1 for feminism.

Needless to say, we continued to hook up after that.

Snow Ball? Snow Boulder More Like

I worked security in a club for awhile. Got to see all sorts of nasty women but this one took the grand prize of grossness. Boss calls us into his office after close one night, big grin on his face. Shows us video of a super hot regular really fooling around hard with a guy. Nothing new or special or even outrageous compared to the one or two girls a night we usually caught screwing in the club, knowing that many more did so unnoticed. Boss rewinds camera to ten minutes earlier. In a dark, hard to see area of the dance floor, same girl can be seen on her knees really pumping a guy’s flesh minaret with her mouth. And then a second guy. And then a third guy. Camera and angle too crappy to tell if she debited or credited those future Nobel prize winners into her gut or onto the dance floor but immediately after the third she got up, stumbled to the nearby shooter bar where the fourth guy buys her a shot and begins to make out with this hot chick less then five minutes after she thoroughly cleaned the skin off of three drum sticks. I sure hope she at least swished her mouth out good with that shot.

Read More: Why There Are No 10’s

Send this to a friend