The following is an excerpt from the Dating chapter of my new book Game. Click here for full book details.
More important than the content of your conversation is maintaining the lead. You should control the flow, tempo, energy, and direction of a conversation. It’s okay for a girl to ask questions about you, and discuss topics that interest her, but she should never take over the conversation completely while you wait passively for her to ask another question or bring up the next topic.
Leading the conversation can be tiring, especially when dealing with a girl who doesn’t talk much. It can seem like a relief when you meet a “strong and independent” girl who asks all sorts of questions and raises various topics, but permitting her dominance will cause her to lose respect for you. Most girls are not attracted to men who let them lead. If she is comfortable with leading the conversation, it’s likely she’s not feeling any sexual tension or nervousness, so what you may perceive as a sign of interest is actually a lack of interest. She’s treating you more like a co-worker instead of a potential lover.
Even if a girl is chatty, you should control the conversation. To let a girl know the role I expect her to take, I push back against her attempts to lead the conversation by saying: “Are you normally this aggressive? Let’s take it easy, there’s no rush.” Another possibility: “You’re asking me a lot of questions like this is a job interview. Slow down a bit.”
This principle also applies when making decisions on dates, such as where to go and how long to stay in a venue. I may ask about a girl’s general preferences or tastes, but I don’t allow her to make the final decision. If she does attempt to pick the venue, I will push back by asking, “Are you paying?” Then I will choose my preferred location. She is free to leave at any time if she doesn’t like it.
As with leading the conversation, it can be tiring to always make the decisions on what to do and where to go, but this is what a masculine man does. I’ve seen many men slip in this area when it comes to relationships. Don’t yield the power to your girlfriend because you want to take a mental break from making decisions. Her attraction will decrease as a result, putting the relationship in jeopardy. Strike down a girl’s attempt to step out of her submissive role. The reins should be firmly in your hands during the entire course of the relationship.
Another sign that you’re losing control is when a girl asks nonstop questions and you always answer in a direct manner. If a girl asks you multiple questions in rapid fire, she is testing your masculinity to see whether you will jump through hoops and answer obediently. Even if your honest answers show high value, you’re still giving up the lead, which brings that value back down.
Mix up your answering style. For half the time, tell the truth, and for the other half, evade with humor, be annoyingly vague, or tell an obviously exaggerated lie that shows her you don’t care about the answer. This strategy will make her expend more energy trying to learn who you really are. You may answer directly more than 50% of the time in traditional countries while less than 50% in degenerate countries such as the USA, Canada, and England.
I’m always experimenting with answers to the most common questions girls ask me, such as “What do you do?”, “How old are you?”, and when traveling, “Why are you here?” For each question, I test various evasive or humorous responses before using ones that I believe elicit the most attraction based on who I am as a man. If I don’t feel like talking about my job, but a girl insists, I will say, “I’m not allowed to talk much about my job.” She may think I’m some kind of spy. If a girl in a foreign country asks me why I’m in her city, I respond, “I ask myself that question every day.” She’ll know I’m not impressed with her country, suggesting that I’m an experienced man. If I feel that a girl has earned a real answer, I will give it, but if she shows annoyance, or even goes as far as to give me an ultimatum, I will definitely not give in to her.
Direct answers are a reward. A girl has no right to them. I learned this in Brazil when I spent time with a German man who never gave a girl a direct answer besides his name. He didn’t even say where he was from. At the time, I thought girls would be so turned off by his evasiveness that they would leave, but it actually made them more curious and turned conversations into a fun game where he doled out clues as if he were giving little treats to an eager puppy.
Curiosity is a form of attraction. Giving direct answers removes curiosity. Therefore, always answering directly can hurt attraction. Imagine an interaction where a girl knew all the pertinent facts about your life within ten minutes. She’d get bored and later say, “There was no chemistry.”
It’s also important to lead if a girl is using her cell phone frequently enough where you feel disrespected. I used to deal with this problem by teasing the girl so she indirectly got the message, but it’s better to take a more direct tack by explicitly telling her how you want her to behave.
The most common situation is when a girl leaves her phone on the table with the screen facing up and looks at it constantly. I won’t accept this. I didn’t go on a date to speak to a girl who is babysitting her phone.
Me: “Are you expecting an important call?”
Me: “Because I don’t want to compete with your phone, and you seem overly focused on it. Can you put it in your bag?”
When you make this request, you must be prepared to end the date if she doesn’t comply. It’s your way or the highway. If she refuses to put away her phone, or she says it’s on silent mode, say once more that you would prefer her to put away her phone because it’s not respectful. If she refuses to do what you ask her, find out how much she owes, settle the bill, and leave.
It’s even worse when her phone is constantly going off and she’s checking it or replying to messages. I may first warn her by saying, “Do you need a break to catch up on your texting? Go ahead, I’ll wait.” Let her finish the text she has to send. If she grabs her phone again, she is showing disrespect. Say, “I don’t like how you’re using your phone so much. Can you put it away?” If she continues after this, you should end the date.
It’s not fun to scold a girl for her anti-social behavior, but remember that it’s entirely your choice whether or not to accept it. If she’s making you feel bad, don’t put up with it, or you’re explicitly giving her permission to treat you like garbage. Nip the problem in the bud as soon as it happens so she understands you have standards that must be met. A girl will either walk away, which means she wasn’t that attracted to you in the first place, or highly respect you for calling her out on her shit in a way that no other man has probably done before, which will greatly increase her attraction for you.
My experience shows that most girls will comply with your request because they’ve already invested time in coming out on a date. Of course, we don’t want to be a phone Nazi and forbid her from ever using her phone, but if she’s texting more than once every hour, and you’re feeling annoyed, you must tell her what you expect.
Leading starts when we make the decisions on where the date should take place, with minimal input from the girl. During the date, we are careful with how much information we divulge while putting the brakes on her attempts to dominate the conversation or interview us. Lastly, we call out any of her behaviors that make us feel uncomfortable, the most common of which is her phone use. Being a leader in these areas will show the girl that we have expectations and are willing to walk away if she doesn’t behave properly.
The above excerpt was taken from my new book Game. It has been released on paperback, e-book, audiobook, and Kindle. Click here for full details.
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