If there is one lesson that I could pull from the entirety of my economic experience, research, data, and philosophizing,


that one lesson would apply universally regardless of context, environment, or conditions, it would be without a doubt:


Horses are evil, the devil’s representative on this planet.  Nothing good comes of them.  Nothing good will ever come of them.  And if you are smart, you will avoid them.

Thankfully, most men have no natural predisposition for them.  They view them as beasts of burden, perhaps something to ride in the off chance you find terrain too steep to navigate with an off road vehicle and are too lazy to scale yourself.

But horses creep into male society nonetheless and their conduit is women.

Women are already a bad cocktail unto themselves.  Unchecked and untempered they’ll run feral and ruin the best of men, but you combine them with horses and John Freaking Wayne would have difficulty in taming them.  I cannot pin it down, nor do I wish to expend the calories of energy to figure out why women have such a psychological attachment to horses, but they do.  And in EVERY instance I’ve ever ran into with a woman with horses, it has been a bad deal.

My mother (not to get Oedipus on you) has four of them.

Does she have a 401k plan?  No.

Does she have a pension?  No.

Does she have nursing home insurance?  No.

But she drives my step-father batshit insane about them to the point that every rare time I visit he is actually happy to see me.

She has supplanted her children, her husband, and her family with 4 dumb beasts of burden.  She has sacrificed human interaction and financial stability with eating-pooping-riding animules.  Why this is, I don’t know, but she has.

There was also the trophy wife of Minnetrista fame.  You don’t know Minnetrista, but if you ever visit western Minneapolis, you’ll see rolling hills and ranches of horses for trophy wives who majored in worthless shit and managed to score themselves a reliable sucker accountant at Cargill.  They don’t have the money, but their husband does.  And that’s all that matters.  Because in the end a horse seemingly can replace a husband or spouse with whatever harlequin-romance-galloping joy those dumb beasts provide.   I know this to be true because I saw on MORE THAN ONE OCCASION a desperate, supplicant, obedient husband cut his veins open to pour the financial blood to finance a floozy’s horse hobby or (worse) hobby farm.  We even had one desperate individual tender his “wife’s horses” for collateral for a line of credit (which he would no doubt use to finance her fancies).  Whatever the case, there was ALWAYS financial problems and mental suffering on the parts of men with women who had horses.


And then there was my good friend, who I genuinely cherished, in Wyoming.  She was a great gal.  A wonderful gal.  A person I would consider my friend.  But she had horses and was thusly psychotic.

Even if the relationship with the horses is not financial, meaning the woman (or more likely her male benefactor) can afford the horses, women without means who STILL manage to obtain and own horses are just plain batshit insane.  They take animals that are dumber than dogs (literally) and rank them above other humans.  They prefer their horse over their husbands.  They prefer their horse over their kids.  They prefer their horses over any potential spouse.  And they prefer their horse over their friends.  And thus was the case of my Wyoming friend.  She valued her horses more than anything else, including herself.  She fell in love with them.  Talked to them as if they were humans.  She put them at the center of her life.  And thusly, was left alone on her ranch with them.

It was a scary and eerie thing watching a woman with such a psychotic level of commitment to horses, but it told me enough to stay away, while at the same time begetting pity.

Do I understand it?


And again, I’m not aiming to try.

But I will tell you this, and this is the moral of the story.

Avoid, with all of your might, women who have horses.  It is the reddest of red flags.

Imagine, if you will, a woman with 3 children from 3 different fathers, who insists on hyphenating her name if you were to ever marry, who has a ton of cats, and majored in Women’s Studies with a Masters in Social Justice.

That woman is more reliable, sane, stable, and trustworthy than a woman with a horse.  Women with horses are plagued with financial problems (not to mention psychological), and if they aren’t, they are so rich and deluded you will not even be able to compete with a dumb, inferior animal.

The world of women is already pockmarked with landmines of an unfathomable variety.  You can easily sidestep one as clearly marked by horses.

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