It’s no secret to the men of ROK that women use men. Yes, this is obvious to even the newbie who’s trying to learn game. But, it does not do to simply know that women use men—it is imperative to know the signs.
When you know the signs to look for, you can avoid having women use you. And believe me, if you’ve ever had a woman use you before, it is not an enjoyable experience. Unfortunately, the mainstream media paints women as completely innocent angels that never do anything wrong.
This, of course, is one of the many lies that the media forces down our throats. That is not to say that women don’t offer many positives to a man’s life; the right woman can be a great thing. The right woman will make you feel like more of a man, she will provide you with feminine energy and help you calm down when you’re in your head, and she’ll drastically improve the quality of your life.
But, in order to find girls like this, you first need to filter through the bad ones. Here’s some tips to filter through the bad ones, and figure out which ones are using you:
1. She Never Puts Out
This is, perhaps, the most obvious sign that she’s using you—and yet, it still baffles me when I see men pursuing women who are clearly exhibiting this sign. I don’t care what her excuse is, if you’ve been seeing her for over a month, and she hasn’t put out, she’s using you.
She’s using you for validation. She’s using you to buy her lunch. She’s using you for emotional support. She’s using you, she’s using you, she’s using you, my friend.
“But what if she says that she wants to wait until marriage, Jon?” Then don’t believe a word she’s saying. Are you telling me that if Brad Pitt walked up to this girl and spat his game on her, she’d reply with: “Oh, sorry. I’m not that type of girl.”
Give me a break. She’s using you. If she kisses you, but any time you try to escalate she refuses, or if she doesn’t even kiss you, then she’s using you. This category also includes girls who only put out when you do a favor for them.
For example, there’s tons of men who get trapped into relationships where they go by a sort of tally system. For every three favors he does for her, she gives him sex. Or, even worse, some men have to take their women out to expensive dinners before she puts out. Is this the type of situation you want to be in?
Sometimes friend-zoning hot girls for the benefits is a way to counter this—if you can sense that she isn’t into you, and there’s not much sexual chemistry, proactively put HER in the friend zone so that she’ll invite you to parties and introduce you to her social circle.
In general, however, you want to avoid these women—they will drain your bank account, your emotions, and your energy; they’ll drain pretty much everything except what you want them to drain.
2. “I Just Got Out Of A Bad Relationship.”
I cannot tell you how many times I’ve heard girls say this. It’s almost comical when I hear it nowadays, because I know what she’s really saying is: “I fuck a lot of guys, but don’t know if I want to fuck you.”
They’ll have elaborate stories, oh god will they have elaborate stories. “My last boyfriend was an abusive alcoholic,” or “my last boyfriend got me pregnant and forced me to have an abortion, when I just wanted to keep the baby!” or whatever else it may be.
Don’t believe it for a second. Yes, to be fair, sometimes this is a legitimate excuse—but this being a legitimate excuse occurs so rarely, that if a woman pulls this card, it’s safe to assume she isn’t interested in you.
Case in point: the other day I was spitting verbal game on a girl, and I could clearly tell that she was the type of girl who loved to string guys along. So what’d I do? Take a look at our conversation:
- Jon: “Hey, maybe you can save my number as ‘Chipotle Guy,’ in your phone, and I’ll always take you out to Chipotle thinking that I’ll get some, but then you can just tell me that you just got out of a bad relationship!”
- Girl: [laughing] “Oh my god yes, and then I can shoot you a winky face every now and then, but only express interest after midnight, so that you think I actually want to have sex with you!”
- Jon: “Oh yeah, I love when girls do that—then maybe you can come over one night, because you’re lonely, cuddle with me, and then when I try to make a move tell me that you’re not ready, and just cut off my balls permanently!”
- Girl: [cracking up] “HAHAHA oh my god, who are you?!”
Boom, I was in. Do you see the point though? Girls are extremely conscious of the little things they do to lead guys on. Don’t fall for their lame excuses, because a lot of the time they’ll be “half true,” or they’ll seem like they might be the case. This brings me to my third point.
3. She’s Extremely Vague
A lot of the time, if a girl wants to lead you on, she’ll be extremely vague and say things like:
- I’m not sure what I’m doing tonight
- Maybe, I’ll just have to see
- That’d be fun! I’ll have to look at my planner
Rest assured, she is putting you on the back burner in case another, more favorable opportunity presents itself. This can be a tricky one for men to understand, because knowing when a girl is using you is more of an art than a science, but here’s how I look at it.
If she says that she’s interested in hanging out with you, but then flakes more than 1/3 of the time, she isn’t interested in you at all. This is what makes the rule of 1/3 so key, however, because there will be those few times that she does in fact decide to come see you…but then, refer to point one.
On the times that she does come to see you, does sex happen? If you escalated, and she rejected you, then she’s not interested. She’s using you, and it’s time for you to ditch her. The best way to deal with flakes, in my opinion, is to actually be completely indifferent.
A lot of guys take a more “boundary-setting” approach, which definitely has its merits—in a relationship, if a girl tries to flake on you, it’s definitely best to call her out on her bullshit and tell her to make a decision so that she doesn’t waste your time.
But, if it’s a girl that you just met, you shouldn’t even care—why would you care if some random girl hooks up with you or not? You just met her. Remember: the key to maintaining this indifference is abundance. Who cares if this girl you just met isn’t into you? You should have zero emotional investment in her, period.
4. She Wants To Keep Your Relationship Secret
There’s many different levels that women can use you at, but there are two primary ones which they use you at. Generally girls either use you before sex happens, for validation, or during a relationship, for emotional needs. This point is regarding the latter.
Sometimes, when a girl initiates the relationship (which she always should), she’ll say that she wants to keep it a secret. This is fine, at first—sometimes women don’t know what will come of your relationship, so they don’t want to announce it and make it an official thing.
But, if they continue to do this for a long period of time (think months), then you can bet she’s using you. If you’re a player, and are spinning multiple plates, as Rollo says, this doesn’t really matter, but you should still recognize that she’s using you.
When women want to keep a relationship secret for a long period of time, it’s almost always because she’s using you to cheat. Whether it’s on her boyfriend, or her husband, if she doesn’t want word of your little relationship getting out there…she’s cheating, guaranteed.
Again, depending on what you want out of a relationship, this can either be a good thing or a bad thing—it can mean that she’s giving you sex with no strings attached, but you better be careful lest her partner(s) find out.
5. She Wants You To Listen, But Doesn’t Listen To You
To be completely fair, women typically do most of the talking in a relationship. That being said, any functional, emotionally healthy relationship entails communication from both the man and the woman.
When only the woman does the talking, and the second that you try to express your feelings she cuts you off, this is a telltale sign that she’s using you for emotional validation. Why else would she talk all day and vent to you, but the second that you want to say something, she interrupts you or can’t listen for more than 10 seconds?
I’ve personally been in a multitude of short term relationships with women, and let me tell you this: if the girl is into you, she’ll actually be asking YOU questions. She’ll be curious about who you are. She’ll be asking you things like:
- So what do you like to do for fun?
- So just how many girls HAVE you been with?
- Are you looking for a relationship?
- What do you want to do with your life? (mainly if you’re an undergraduate)
If she isn’t at least asking you a couple of these questions, you can rest assured, she’s not into you. The reason why is this: women want to know who a man is. They want to know what he’s afraid of, they want to know how he acts under pressure, they want to know who he is. They want to know you.
This is one of the reasons why congruence is so important in game; when you’re congruent, women feel like they actually know who you are, because you’re the real deal. Regardless, when a woman talks at you and never lets you get a word in or never asks you how you feel, she’s using you.