This week dating blogger Dan Bacon hit the headlines after he posted an article on his website The Modern Man called How To Talk to A Woman Who Is Wearing Headphones In his innocuous article, Bacon presents a series of tips for how to engage the attention of an attractive girl who happens to be listening to music when you meet her. The article so enraged feminist commentators that it has attracted a slew of excoriating Tweets and articles. But Bacon’s article misses the mark for a reason his detractors have not identified—he hasn’t gone far enough. Men should ALWAYS approach hot women wearing headphones.
Dan Bacon’s Article
Let’s be honest, if there is a canon of pick-up literature that includes Neil Strauss’s The Game and Roosh’s Bang, How To Talk to a Woman Who is Wearing Headphones will not rank highly in it. Here is a sample of his ‘advice’:
What to Do to Get Her Attention
1. Stand in front of her (with 1 to 1.5 meters between you).
2. Have a confident, easy-going smile.
3. If she hasn’t already looked up at you, simply get her attention with a wave of your hand. Wave your hand in her direct line of vision so she can see it.
4. When she looks at you, smile, point to her headphones and confidently ask, “Can you take off your headphones for a minute?” as you pretend to be taking headphones off your head, so she fully understands what you mean.
Stand in front of her and motion for her to remove her headphones? Hardly groundbreaking behavioural science. And his example conversation strains credibility:
You: [Smile in a friendly, confident manner] 🙂 Hey – I know it’s not normal for people to talk to someone with headphones in, but I was walking along and saw you and thought – wow, she’s hot, I have to come over and say hi. I’m Dan, what’s your name?
You: [Add in some humor to get her smiling and create a spark between you] Cool…nice to meet you Jessica. I don’t normally talk to girls with headphones, but your big green headphones were just calling out to me.
Woman: [Possibly smiling or laughing].
You: [If you’re in a shopping mall or city street, let her know that you have something else to do besides talk to her, so she understands that you’re not going to stand there talking to her for 30 minutes] Anyway, I’m just out doing a bit of shopping at the moment. How about you?
I particularly like “I don’t normally talk to girls with headphones, but your big green headphones were just calling out to me.” With that brand of ‘humour’, Mr Bacon will not be troubling Jonah Hill any time soon. Also, as anyone who has ever tried day game will attest, suggesting that a direct approach will go as smoothly is at best naive and at worst misguided.
However, it is unfair to paint Bacon as some kind of rabid sex fiend who advocates harassing women as some commentators have done. In fact, his article merely encourages men to be confident, approach girls in a light and friendly manner, flirt and only continue with the conversation if it is clear that she is interested:
Of course, not all women who wear headphones are open to being approached or hoping to be approached. However, you can only find that out by starting a conversation and seeing what happens.
Who knows, she might just be your perfect girl, so go ahead and talk to her.
What’s Really Wrong With The Article
Where Bacon’s article falls short is that he doesn’t go into detail about how to spike up a conversation to facilitate the kind of chemistry that attracts women. Detractors will argue that chemistry is either there or it isn’t and there is some truth in that. No-one can ‘make’ a woman be attracted to them. However, there are certain personality traits and behaviours that are more attractive than others and it is these that you must foreground every time if you want to increase your chances of success.
To be fair, confidence and the ability to lead an interaction are two of them and Bacon pays lip service to this, but he doesn’t tell his readers precisely how to demonstrate them.
The fact is that men and women have different objectives and strategies in the mating market (read David Bus’s excellent The Evolution of Desire for more on the evolutionary roots of our varying impulses).
Broadly speaking, men are programmed to meet and have sex with a wide variety of different women with a view to impregnating them, while women are programmed to be more choosy in order to secure the best genes for their children.
No gender is right or wrong, they merely have differing requirements and methods. But my suspicion is that women (and feminist men) are offended by the article as it seems to take the power of choice away from women (who want the best ‘alpha’ genes they can get) and place it in the hands of men. Understandably, no woman wants a bunch of beta nerds hassling her for sex—they want to choose the best alpha stud they can secure for themselves.
But here’s the thing—women ALWAYS retain the power of choice anyway. All men can do is present themselves as effectively as possible (i.e. confidently and flirtatiously) giving girls the opportunity to select them based on their qualities. At no point does Bacon’s article state or imply that coercion of any kind should be employed. On the contrary, all he is doing is advocating approaching to have a friendly chat and to see whether there is chemistry before moving on if there isn’t.
Why You Should Always Approach Hot Girls Wearing Headphones
Here’s the thing—girls don’t approach men. Well, very rarely anyway. Even if a girl swipes right on Tinder she still expects the guy to start the conversation. In general, most romantic and sexual relationships are initiated by men, and actually, most women prefer it that way. If it wasn’t for men approaching girls then the whole dating market would grind to a halt overnight.
The articles that rebuff Bacon imply that men should not approach girls unless the girl has given some signal that she is interested. Wearing headphones, we are led to believe, proves precisely the contrary. These girls wants to be left alone. Actually, this is nonsense. Few girls on their commute to work in the morning are wearing headphones to prevent guys from approaching them because most guys are too scared to do so and it doesn’t often happen, even in big cities like London and New York.
Girls are not wearing headphones to deter guys, they’re wearing headphones to listen to music.
I have approached a great many girls who had not given me any positive come-on signals at all. I met a former girlfriend at a bus stop in London and she hadn’t even looked in my direction before I approached. Even though she was wearing headphones when I spoke to her she was delighted, we had a flirty little chat, exchanged numbers and later went out together for over two years.
Had I not given her the opportunity to get to know me by approaching her then we would never have got together, denying us both a lot of fun and a long-term relationship.
On this basis, not only is it possible to approach girls while they are wearing headphones, but you absolutely should. Remember, approaching a girl can have benefits for both sides, not just the guy. There are many times that girls have thanked me for coming up to talk to them in the daytime. Of course, if she is not interested and brushes you off then tell her to have a nice day and walk off immediately. But if it turns out there’s a spark of attraction between you then by approaching whether she’s wearing headphones or not may just be doing her a big favour.
Read More: Why You Don’t Deserve That Perfect 10