Like it or loathe it, Tinder has become a major component of people’s dating repertoire in the past couple of years. For many people far removed from university, people who have moved to new cities and have limited social networks, people partaking in recreational travel across the world, or people who are just plain sick of nightclubs, the app is now their main tool for seeking carnal satisfaction.

Sexual dynamics within Tinder are exactly the same as pre-digital courtship. Or in other words, “the tools have changed but the trade is the same.” Obtaining sex is easy for gay men and women of all sexual orientations, while it is a constant battle and struggle for heterosexual men to achieve intimacy (at least by comparison).

Tinder can take the battle a step further, with heterosexual women often using a variety of confounding statements in their biographical profiles which makes them “seem” to be less interested in sex than many men were hoping. This article will address five of these (lying) statements which particularly appear far too frequently, along with translations.

Do not be fooled by this language, and don’t automatically dismiss these women as a result. Because if you are not going to sleep with them, some other guy who can read between the lines will.

1. “Not Into One Night Stands”

I am just putting on a facade in order to seem innocent and non-slutty (just in case my friends discover my profile), and hopefully to chase away as many “creepers” as possible.

Like any heterosexual female with hormones and desires, I will of course consider having a one night stand if we go on a date. However, you must be clean, smelling decent, and have a level of game which is strong enough to give me sufficient vagina tingles in order to agree going home with you.

When making the proposition to take me to your place, make sure you use subterfuge to mask your intention of wanting to have sex with me. For instance, say you would like to fix me some “tea,” just like in that The Wolf of Wall Street movie.

Therefore, I will not be made to feel so slutty after I have my one night stand with you. Because remember, you only invited me into your house to have “tea” before you made your move on me right?

Oh, and I will probably tell you that I’ve “never done this before,” even though it’s actually happened somewhere between 20 and 80 other times in the past.

2. “No Fuckboys”

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YES fuckboys! While it may appear on the surface that the “fuckboy” label has negative connotations, you need to understand that us women in our early and mid 20-something sexual prime actually find the alpha male “bad boy” pump-and-dump types very attractive. We say we don’t like them, but we sleep with them all the time.

You give us ladies huge vagina tingles when we assume that you have options and are receiving sexual validation from lots of different women, even though we will never admit to this.

Therefore, provided that your game is tight enough, I will overlook this minor inconvenience and allow you to bang me while you also play the field with other women. Just don’t let me find out about them, ok? Oh speaking of which, I’ve got another annoying beta orbiter on the line… wish he could be more fun and exciting like you…

3. “Good Vibes”

Good vibes

“Good Vibes” = Good Vibrations

I’m looking for a “hawt” guy who can hopefully spit enough clown game to give me sufficient vagina tingles for no strings attached sex. Not being quiet, boring, or acting in a manner that I would consider “creepy” or “awkward” by my overly judgmental standards are vital components of giving off “good vibes.”

Entertain me and make me laugh without fail. I demand those tingles!

4. “Don’t Swipe Right If All You’re After Is Sex”

topsy turvy

Topsy Turvy that Muh’ Fugga

Swipe right if all you’re after is sex. That is, give off the veneer that you’re not just after sex, both in you’re text game and for at least the first two dates. If we have already had sex at least once (preferably twice), if I find you’re company enjoyable, and I have become quite comfortable that you are not an ax murderer, we can just go on autopilot and you can have me around for a booty call when time permits.

Just use subterfuge like “I’m making you dinner” or “Netflix and chill” as your excuse to get me over to your house. That way I won’t feel like a slut.

Also, every now and then I may occasionally shit test you with a “you’re just using me for sex” kind of spiel. Don’t worry, just maintain your frame and throw a topsy-turvy on me (witty comeback) and you will likely pass. Something along the lines of “are you just using ME for sex?”

5. “I’m Here For Friends”

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I’m just giving off the veneer that I’m here for “friends” because I am actually in a “it’s complicated” kind of relationship, and this statement gives me a good alibi to potentially avoid a lot of trouble just in case my significant other finds out I’m on Tinder. Pretty clever huh?

Here’s the thing, I’m so unhaaaapy and bored that my partner is working 12 hour days for weeks at a time in the outback mines of Australia, while I’m all sexless and alone in the house he is paying for. Aren’t us women so oppressed? Will you be the one to give me enough vagina tingles to satisfy my desires?

Conclusion

Get it? The instant a woman signs up to Tinder, she is voluntarily putting herself on the sexual marketplace. It doesn’t matter whether she is single, taken, or just looking for “friends.” Don’t buy into her biographical shit tests.

Seeking intimate relationships, however casual they may be, is exactly what Tinder was made for. Deep down inside of her (pardon the pun), she knows this is true.

So maintain your frame, learn game, and develop that Eric Cartman sense of confidence before your dates. Because the “dating apocalypse” via smartphone applications has been around for several years now, and it’s not going away anytime soon. Enjoy the decline.

Read More: 3 Sobering Facts About Friendship That You Need To Know