I relocated to Portland from my hometown of Syracuse, New York last year as part of a cross-country trip to see America and change my life. While I like the place—there are a lot of cool people and things to do here—Portland is not a city for everyone, and it’s definitely not a place you want to go to get laid. Here’s why…
1. The weather is miserable.
Seeing as I grew up in the snowiest large city in the U.S., I figured dealing with the weather in the Pacific Northwest would be easy. I was wrong. In the winter, Portland’s stretches of rainy or overcast weather are so long that you’ll start to forget what the sun looks like. From the time I arrived in December all through January, there were maybe two or three days total that the city wasn’t blanketed in gray storm clouds. I’m pretty confident that the lack of sunshine—and the resulting depression caused by Vitamin D deficiency—is partly responsible for Portland’s lazy “yeah, whatever man” culture.
2. The city is bum central.
I’m not exaggerating when I say Portland is full of bums, and I’m not talking about the hipsters. Thanks to the mild winter weather and limp-wristed police force, PDX has a huge population of homeless people. Hell, this city was where the term “skid row” originated. When they aren’t sucking down free meals from the Rescue Mission, Portland’s transients are either panhandling for smack money down at Pioneer Courthouse Square or pacing back and forth on the Burnside Bridge muttering the n-word to themselves. Because the city council lacks so much as one vertebra of backbone, their “solutions” to the homeless problem consist of letting them fare jump on the MAX and loiter in the Central Library all day, which now has a permanent funk of B.O. and dried urine.
3. The women are overweight and/or unhealthy looking…
Portland is supposedly one of the fittest cities in America, but you wouldn’t know it by actually visiting here. The average Rose City girl either has a beach ball-shaped body or looks like an Auschwitz survivor; nothing in between. Add in their pasty flour dough skin and you can go days without seeing anything you’d want to bang. And like Toronto girls, Stumptown’s womenfolk have a disturbing obsession with stuffing their faces, as evidenced by quirky local eateries like Voodoo Doughnut and the absurd number of late-night food trucks littering downtown.
4. …and the few that aren’t look like Mad Max extras.
Because hipsters lack any semblance of imagination, they always choose to express their “individuality” in the most hackneyed ways possible: getting inked and pierced. Most girls here are covered in tacky tattoos and have enough studs in their faces to set off metal detectors. Additionally, they love dyeing their hair in ridiculous clown colors and cutting it short Skrillex-style. If you regularly jack off to the BBW section of Suicide Girls, you’ll be in hog heaven in Portland; guys who like slender, feminine women need not apply.
5. Nobody wants to talk to you…
You’d think a city half-comprised of people from other states would be more welcoming, but nope. Portland is hands-down one of the snobbiest and most cliquish places I’ve ever lived in. Try to make small talk with people and they’ll act like you have chronic halitosis. Attempt to cold approach any girl, including the fat ones, and they’ll treat you like you’re an axe murderer. Even waitstaff and cashiers treat you with a rudeness that would get them fired anywhere else in the country, because they think their master’s degree in Cephalopod Sexuality makes them superior to the hoi polloi.
I can hear Portlanders protesting, “Girls don’t want to talk to you because you’re creepy/ugly/only interested in sex!” They’ll have to explain why in other Portland-esque cities like Madison, Wisconsin or Burlington, Vermont, women—and people in general—are eager to chat up out-of-towners like myself. Even in Williston, North Dakota, a city so overcrowded with men that fat girls are referred to as “Williston 10s,” hot girls were kinder and more polite to me than Portland fatties.
From what I can tell, there are only two ways for a normal man to get laid in this city without paying for it: either start a mediocre indie rock band and bang groupies, or wait for a fat girl to get so horny that she tries to rape you. Bars and clubs in Portland are like abstract art exhibits: full of grotesque objects that you’re not allowed to touch.
6. …and they have nothing interesting to say anyway.
“The city where young people go to retire” is not an exaggeration. Portland truly is a magnet for people who want to do nothing with their lives at all. If you can find one of the few girls who isn’t an antisocial weirdo, all she’ll do is repeat feminist cliches or lay down obnoxious sarcasm until your dick shrinks to the size of an olive. She’ll be happy to bloviate about her made-up sexual orientation—pansexual, demisexual, polyamorous or whatever—all day, but she’ll have absolutely no interest in what you have to say.
For example, whenever I brought up the fact that I hitchhiked here all the way from New York (which most normal people think is pretty interesting), the typical response from girls was a nonchalant “Yeah, that’s cool.” Meanwhile, their greatest achievements in life consist of operating an espresso machine five days a week for minimum wage and selling handmade doilies on Etsy.
I’m not trying to bash Portland as a whole. This city’s got a lot going for it: the variety of microbrews, the music scene, the lack of crime, and the low cost of living, among other things. But there’s no denying that the girls here are dumpy-looking, have nasty attitudes and are just plain boring to talk to. If you’re looking for love—or just a lay—you’re best served going somewhere else.