Thomas Hobbes
Thomas Hobbes is an Australian uni student hiding out in his mother's basement waiting for the singularity to arrive. As a backup plan he is secretly hoping to avoid the perils of an actual career by becoming a writer and travelling the world.
Controversy has spread in recent days as an increasingly vocal chorus in both the media and government has warned of the impending visit of a famous “make-up artist.” Stacey Sexalot, 36, announced on social media last week her intention to visit and host a series of seminars on the use of alleged “beauty treatments.” The controversial figure and leader of the “neo-femininity” movement claims to have discovered ways for women to attract men, including the use of lipstick, eye shadow, hair dye, foundation, mascara and other “cosmetics” meant to improve a women’s looks. Since the announcement however, many critics have surfaced.
“Frankly, I think its disgusting” announced Women’s Minister, Fiona Frigid, in an address to the media yesterday afternoon. “We need to seriously consider whether we want to let such a horrible, blatantly dishonest person from entering our country. Can you imagine a society where makeup was commonplace? It would be horrific!”
“I feel this Ms. Sexalot has some very medieval ideas about gender roles,” she continued. “Saying women should wear makeup—honestly, I think she must have a very shallow opinion of men. She acts as if they’re animals that only care about looks, rather than my fabulous personality.”
A young woman fallen victim to Ms. Sexalot’s teachings
Ms. Frigid went on to warn about the dangerous path makeup could possibly lead down.
“It’s very much a gateway to other behaviors. I mean what next? Women wearing short skirts? Learning how to cook? Wearing their hair long? What is this—the middle ages?”
Yet more victims
Others have echoed this call, warning that no good can come from teaching such techniques to young women. Paul Neckbeard, of the National Anti-Makeup Society, has stated that he and his friends intend to protest the seminars.
“This scumbag is no real woman. All she’s ever done is trick men into sleeping with her by covering up her true face. It’s practically rape!”
“I mean really—I’m so triggered right now,” Mr. Neckbeard continued. “But these ideas are spreading. Just the other day, a young women came up to me on the street and said ‘Hi.’ She was wearing lipstick, eye liner and she’d started to grow her hair long so that it needed a hair tie. I mean really? I just laughed at her and kept walking. What is wrong with these people?”
“Even worse,” he continued, “if they start putting this much effort into their looks, then what if it affects me? What if someone starts bullying me about my appearance? What if they laugh at me and say I should start jogging? Or wear a collared shirt? Or gel my hair? You have to understand, I’m far too busy for such things.”
“Fortunately,” he went on “I can still be at the protest this weekend. I have no particular plans for this Saturday night.”
Mentally stable protestors preparing to picket Ms. Sexalot
Already, an online petition for the government to ban Ms. Sexalot has attracted 50,000 signatures. Bertha Jolene-Doris, a student of the University of Trans-Cultural Spiritual Studies, started the petition.
“I have never needed to use makeup in my whole life, And I still get plenty of dates” Miss Jolene-Doris declared, unscrewing a 10 kilo can of buy-n-bulk tuna. “Women don’t need to trick men into sleeping with them, or to have children to feel complete. I already lead a very fulfilling life,” she concluded, stroking Mr. Tibbles behind the ear, the youngest of this year’s litter of twelve.
Ms. Jolene-Doris completing her degree in intersectional discrimination
While some have criticized the slow response of the government, contingency plans have finally been implemented to deal with the threat. Yesterday immigration authorities denied Ms. Sexalot permission to enter the country, and are said to be taking every effort to prevent her entry.
The navy has been put on alert and a number of Patriot batteries installed along the eastern seaboard in case Ms. Sexalot tries to arrive by sea or air. Army engineers are also monitoring ground vibrations in case an attempt is made to tunnel under the border and into the planned seminars. This morning the nation’s nuclear arsenal also had its alert level raised to DEFCON 3, in preparation for a possible first strike against Ms. Sexalot and her mascara-wearing followers, although authorities stressed this was “just a precaution.”
Some more practitioners of extreme femininity
Meanwhile, a minority have urged caution, arguing that Ms. Sexalot has the right to be heard.
“Call me crazy, but I don’t think make-up is necessarily all that harmful” said journalist Andrew Sane. “I remember my grandmother used to use it, before they passed the Androgyny Act of 1975. Apparently, women used to wear make-up all the time, and it wasn’t even considered sexual assault. I think if you look at history, femininity wasn’t quite so demonized as much as it is today. At times, it was even seen as praiseworthy.”
Most however, are demanding zero tolerance for those who engage in the practice of applying make-up, citing the dangers posed to those young men who might be hoodwinked by women using such techniques.
When questioned about the difference between make-up artistry and the already existing multi-billion dollar pick-up artistry, however, critics were equally adamant.
“Pick-up artistry is completely different” Mr. Neckbeard declared. “Men only learn pick-up lines to improve their own confidence, not to sleep with women!”
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Thomas Hobbes
Thomas Hobbes is an Australian uni student hiding out in his mother's basement waiting for the singularity to arrive. As a backup plan he is secretly hoping to avoid the perils of an actual career by becoming a writer and travelling the world.
