Almost without fail when a friend comes to me for advice about a girl he is attracted to and would like to be with, it turns out that she is a member of his social circle. Perhaps he’s met her at work, through a close circle of mutual friends, or maybe they share a house or apartment. Almost invariably the friend has solicited my opinion as, even though they might get on well, he is failing to gain any traction with her.
There is a lesson here that all men should learn: if you are looking to meet a woman either for fun or to become your girlfriend then it is far better that you cold approach a stranger rather than hit on someone you already know.
The Attraction Is Obvious…
At first glance this is counterintuitive. Why shouldn’t you go for girls you already know, or who are already in your social proximity? Surely this should be easier rather than harder? You probably already have an ‘in’ as you’ve been introduced by a mutual friend or by circumstances. You may well have shared interests—if, for example, you met in class at college.
Common sense would dictate that to approach such a girl with a view to dating her would be easier. Most men find the idea of approaching a new girl strange and terrifying, while the prospect of hitting on that cute girl you know who shares a house with Jim is a lot more appealing and less intimidating.
…But It’s a Flawed Strategy
There are several difficulties that make the alternative—cold approaching girls from outside your circle—significantly less doomed to abject failure.
When you hit on a girl you know, you forget that everyone else is doing the same thing. It’s the stuff of beta fantasies, isn’t it? That that girl at high school will suddenly notice you and you’ll fall in love. Or that girl in the office will magically fall in love with you over a pile of invoice queries.
The problem is that is very rarely happens.
Every social or professional situation you find yourself in is a microcosm of society at large. The office, your coding class, the house you share with five other people. Each one of these is its own social ecosystem. And if there’s one thing we can say with some certainty about girls it’s this—they are attracted to power, and in any social situation the guy with the most power (be it corporate power, social power, looks, muscle or money) is the one who is most likely to get laid.
Take the UK as an example. In this country, most girls between the ages of 18-30 would probably have sex with, and marry, Prince Harry. Why? Well, he’s the Queen’s grandson and the most prominent eligible member of the royal family since William got hitched to Kate. And what girl wouldn’t want to marry a prince?
So how come any other guy in the UK gets laid other than Prince Harry? It’s obvious—because most girls don’t have access to him. But say I lived in Clarence House with him and a hot twenty-one year-old girl. Do you think I’d get a look in? Of course I wouldn’t. Why? Because that girl would be attracted to the most powerful man in her immediate vicinity and even with game changing that would be a hard task.
The most powerful man in the environment where your favoured girl hangs out probably isn’t Prince Harry. But unless it’s you then you may face a hard task in seducing her.
OK, maybe it is you—at work, say. But it won’t always be you. Maybe there’s a stronger, bigger guy at your gym, or a better dancer at your salsa class. Unless a man learns game he will find that more often than not he is reliant on luck with women—the luck of being the most alpha guy in the room at that particular time.
You Are Reliant On Luck
In essence, when you fancy a girl at work or in your class and you decide to get friendly with her and “see what happens” then you are simply relying on blind luck that she is attracted to you too. And blind luck is never a great strategy.
The reason? Because it’s very hard to create the kind of man-to-woman polarity required to spark attraction in a small social group like an office or a church choir. To really attract a girl you must be prepared to take risks, burn your boats, and possibly never see her again. If it’s the receptionist at your office and you’re worried about possible consequences when you ask her out then you are unlikely to do so, and even if you do you’ll do it in such a softened way as to be immediately friend-zoned.
Attraction Is Based On Speed, Risk And Brashness
Think about jerks who attract beautiful women. What do they do? They are charming, cocking and go in for the kill quickly, not caring whether someone else observes or thinks badly of them. Are you likely to behave like this with a girl who is friends with your best friend’s girlfriend? Probably not.
More likely you will be measured and careful, fearful or overstepping the mark or being impolite. But unfortunately it is that very reticence that will render you unattractive to her. Much better to have hit on her brazenly and quickly, whether your eventual goal was making her a girlfriend or a short-term fling.
You Are Much Better Taking Your Chances With Women You Don’t Know
Look, approaching strange girls can be scary, and rejection is a bitter pill to swallow for many men. But in most cases—unless you are getting definite indications of interest from the girls already around you—you are far better off going for girls with whom you have no prior connection. This will allow you to take greater risks, be cockier and funnier, and to walk away without consequences if you are rejected. Far better that than to worry about enduring months of awkwardness after your mistimed attempt with your housemate.
Whatever the doubters say, whether you are looking for a girlfriend or merely a passing bit of fun, it behoves every man to learn the rudiments of game and to hunt outside his social circle. For it is here, in the wider world, where his greatest romantic and sexual pleasures are likely to be found.