Here at Return of Kings, feminism sometimes gets a bad rap. Even I have been guilty of mocking feminism. But this is a little bit unfair because while feminism does have its drawbacks, it also brings a lot of good things to both women and men.
That’s right. Although it might not be apparent at first, men benefit from feminism just as much as women. The main way to reap these benefits is by dating them.
Of course, I am not suggesting that you date a corpulent, third-wave intersectional feminist with blue hair and ironic glasses. Rather, there are plenty of women who accept the feminist philosophy but stubbornly maintain a feminine shape—a vestige of the patriarchy. With regard to dating, these modern gals can be very enjoyable company at a very low price.
1. Feminists are easy
Before feminism, women didn’t have a lot of choices. Their options were to become a wife and mother who was respected by her husband and children, a spinster who lived with her parents, or, if they lived in Catholic countries, a nun.
Being a slut was not an option because most women did not work outside the home—they needed to rely on their husband to provide for them. Even women who inherited family wealth and therefore did not need a husband preferred to remain chaste because they possessed the outdated patriarchal virtues of self-respect and dignity.
Fast forward to the 21st century. Thanks to feminism, women have so many more choices. Feminism is about more than just women being able to spend ten hours per day in a cubicle farm in a dead end job, it also means that they are free to have sex with random men, women, and transsexuals.
Although feminism theoretically says that women may choose to be chaste, most feminists cave to peer pressure and “choose” to be loose. After all, being a slut is empowering.
As a man, what this means is that you are certain of getting laid by the third date. And, as feminists have become even more empowered, even a single date is not necessary any more.
Of course, you do need to remember to practice “safe sex.” Safe sex means:
You must wear a condom.
You must get a signed consent form from the feminist with at least two witnesses.
You must get your sexual encounter professionally filmed.
The feminist must submit to a blood alcohol test.
Failure to practice safe sex can result in a nasty burning rash and a prison sentence for rape.
Take advantage of this wonderful liberation that feminism has given to women and enjoy gobs of unfulfilling, commitment-free sex.
2. Feminists are on birth control
Feminism is all about using cutting edge science to make women’s lives better. One example of this is birth control—preferably taxpayer funded birth control.
Although most feminists are very health conscious and only eat free-range, halal, non-GMO, organic tofu, they will think nothing of flooding their bodies with powerful artificial hormones from the moment they hit puberty until they die. Today’s woman regards her birth control pills as a mystical talisman that protects her from the contagion of patriarchy.
Of course, I would never encourage you to have “unsafe” sex. In fact, you should wear a condom at all times, even while you are sleeping. However, it is nice to know that feminists are on birth control. Just sayin’.
3. Feminists will pay for your date
In the bad old patriarchal days, the man was expected to pay for dates. No more! One of the most important messages of feminism is: “my equality.” This means that women must pay at least 50% of any costs of a date. Any less would be unequal, and therefore, unacceptable.
Granted, dates are no longer necessary, but why not have that feminist gal buy you dinner before the amorous activities? Make sure it is that hot restaurant that just opened. Pro tip: order wine. A good bottle of wine can double the price of dinner.
Don’t worry about the feminist’s ability to pay for the expensive dinner. Now that feminists have fulfilling, high power “office fauna” jobs, they are awash in cash. But don’t reciprocate. After that first night, tell her you just aren’t “feeling it.”
At this point I have to broach a common complaint of feminists: Women earn only 7 cents for every dollar that men make doing the exact same work. Or something like that. The good news is that feminists are working hard to elect progressive politicians like Monica Lewinsky’s ex-boyfriend’s wife. These progressive politicians will make great gains for feminist women, just like President Obama did.
You might feel sorry for that feminist who earns only $15,000 per year, even though she is an executive vice president who works 90 hours per week. Don’t. To feel sorry for a feminist is extremely patronizing. If you attempt to pay for the date, it means you are a horrible bigot. And remember, horrible bigots don’t get anal later in the date. Well, at least not usually.
4. Feminists will agree to degrading sex
The great thing about feminism is that women are now free to choose to engage in sexual acts that would make the residents of Sodom and Gomorrah blush. And by “choose” I mean that they will feel empowered by doing so. You can get a feminist to do just about anything if you tell her that it will make her more empowered.
The whole degrading sex thing got a big boost from the 50 Shades of Grey books. Now, feminist women believe that it is normal to be tied up and smacked with a riding crop. Most men will not want to go down this road, but perverts will be pleased to know that feminism and the media have made it easy for them to engage in their deviant acts.
It is becoming clear that patriarchy is coming back soon—much sooner than I expected. Even now, there are evil men gathered in well-lit cafes discussing how to bring it back. Once it returns, it will roll back all of the heroic gains achieved by feminists over the past 100 years, and with that, all of the benefits that are listed above. Make full use of all of the wonderful fruits of feminism while they last.
Read More: 8 Reasons To Date A Former Fat Girl