1. Have a pulse and rail against patriarchy
In Canada, if you have a pulse and hate men’s “constant efforts to control your body,” you will be in high demand by the government and state-funded media as a paragon of wisdom and truth. Canadian feminists should contact CBC, CTV or Bell Media immediately to audition and get on the payroll.
Those who don’t make the cut can apply for internships with the ham-jawed mayor of Montreal, Toronto Councillor Norm Kelly, and the Swedish media, who are reportedly taking résumés.
2. Give yourself a worthy title
Although declaring yourself a “feminist” carries much more weight than, say, “neurosurgeon” or “barrister,” it won’t suffice to claim you merely advocate for women. Canadian feminists shouldn’t shortchange themselves by forgoing identity politics. You must adopt a title like “mixed-race, two-spirited*, half-ork, intersectional feminist.” In doing so, your rainbow sprinkling of originality, sedition, and erudition will blind everyone into submission—no matter what.
3. Give infantile speeches
It helps to have an IQ lower than 80 and to lack university education beyond progressive art and gender studies. Because your Twitter activism is so ironclad, you don’t need to worry about rhetoric, speeches, or logic. Any pauses or word salads only demonstrate victimization. There is no bar exam for a Canadian feminist, and there shouldn’t be. After all, the inability to be coherent is persuasive to all free-thinking people, as we see here:
um, I would even go, um, so far as saying, um oppressive to, um cisgender, and reduc-, um, reductive cisgender um, caveman behaviour…. well, yes, um, um he creates stereotypical, and generalized, um, uh, stereotypes, basically, of people…. um, I think it’s problematic because, um, he basically create – like – um, um, contributes to creating these very rigid g-gender binaries…. feminist art conference and uh, Slut Walk, uh…
–Fannie Gadouas to CBC
“We … have been targeting and abusing individual instead of focusing on the larger issues at hand.”
“Being a woman doesn’t mean that I have less of a right to respect space or privacy or security…”
–Aurelie Nix to CTV News
“He makes an argument about why men should eat women with eating disorders.”
–Mike Finnerty, CBC interviewer
The translation of any microphone fart or self-incriminating statement will always remain, “REVOLUTION! FUCK THE PATRIARCHY!” Let’s keep our eye on the ball.
4. Go for the low-hanging fruit, even if it’s the wrong type
Though Canadian feminists and SJWs live in a country ruled by a monarch and led by Stephen Harper—who eats environmentalists for breakfast, has a John Hagee-type fetish for Middle East wars and the Likud Party, pushed through the universally reviled surveillance Bill C 51, builds new prisons at a rate drawing the rebuke of Texas conservatives, repeatedly prorogues parliament, and muzzles scientists and the press—they should only target those for whom the Canadian media will back them and for whom the least effort is required.
Forced marriages, genital mutilations, Sharia law, and gangs of machete-wielding rapists are not the concern of Canadian feminism. Rather, Canadian feminists should focus on men who argue that long hair in women is correlated to beauty and femininity.
5. Use Twitter as your main vehicle of protest
Using Twitter from, say, Vancouver to disrupt speeches in Montreal should never be discounted. The bravery of pursuing wicked men through ineffectively directing armies via Twitter can’t be cast aside. Change.org petitions represent actionable views and show the world who really has skin in the game. Feminists who are otherwise unaccomplished can become extremely accomplished through Twitter activism. Social justice + social media = social progress.
6. Oppose freedom of speech
If Canadian feminists can suppress all viewpoints by straight Western men and reach a critical mass of iPhone retweets, this will usher in the next pillar of history, in which all starvation, disease, natural disasters, racism and terrorism will end and our world and the World of Warcraft will be connected by portals. It is very likely.
7. Commit assault in the name of equality, while claiming you are facing death threats
The soundness of this tactic does not need further comment. Canadian feminists should not be insulted by having this explained to them.
8. Oppose satire and impose the worst interpretations on others’ writings
Following their withdrawal from Montreal and Mississauga hotels and McDonald’s, some Canadian feminists are considering a Facebook group for those who want to protest at the graves of Swift, Mencken, Voltaire, and Carlin in order to impose retroactive justice on men who in past days might have stirred them from socially diverse gaming, “Slut Walks” and progressive art exhibits.
Remember: Canadian feminists should never have discourse with the enemy. Calling the enemy a rapist or Nazi as soon as possible is best. “He advocates rape!” should be screamed at any male whose brain size exceeds that of the average Montreal feminist. If there’s any ambiguity in what we mean by rape, don’t despair—Fannie G. gives us the best definition of rape culture so far: “when institutions and/or people use their powers and privileges to marginalize others based on race, gender, disabilities and so on.” Translation: We’re all being raped and should all march for justice.
9. Use words like “dehumanize” and “microaggression”
Any negative personal reaction by Canadian feminists to others proves premeditated harassment. This is a quantifiable form of abuse for which they should receive government stipends. Canadian feminists should fill out the required government forms for compensation for their pre- and post-traumatic stress and for their services to end democracy.
Canadians feminists are smart enough to know that democracy is just a plot invented by white men to enslave women and that if a public servant didn’t cut her teeth living on the street, attending Young Socialist meetings, and smuggling LSD inside hollowed-out bibles—like the inspirational Ontario MPP Cheri DiNovo—then we shouldn’t trust anything she says.
10. Dress like a pixie and get a peroxide-blonde pixie cut.
No one, especially not men, would be persuaded by a Canadian feminist who had natural hair and blank skin and looked how the revolting patriarchy calls “respectable.” So-called feminine women who don’t Slut Walk and shout at the top of their lungs that men are beasts will never be listened to and will be trampled on.
Remember: a full sleeve is liberation. Fashion should be influenced by cosplay and World of Warcraft, not cisgender tyrants. Aggressive language and curse words are optimal, because everyone responds better to this.
11. Do nude amateur modelling, run a blog with “My Vagina” in the title, and then claim sexual abuse when your photos are linked to
No one has the right to be made uncomfortable by a Canadian feminist’s nude photos on the Internet and her vulgar, sexualized language. Why? Because she is without shame.
On the contrary, all men in this world are born with shame and therefore bear responsibility for their actions. Canadian feminists like Aurelie Nix shouldn’t hesitate to contact Emma Sulkowicz for auditions in the burgeoning genre of anti-patriarchy art porn (WARNING: RAPE TRIGGER).