What The Hell Is A Clitoris?
On Sept 8th 1998, Mark McGwire stepped up to the plate in Busch Stadium, and blasted a home run off Steve Traschsel to set a new Major League record for home runs in a season.
1998 was a great year for the United States, the economy was booming, unemployment was low, and new startup companies like “MCI WorldCom “and “AskJeeves” were expected to be industry leaders for YEARS to come.
During that record-breaking season, a Sports Illustrated writer had walked by Mark McGwire’s locker and noticed a bottle of androstein. The reporter confronted McGwire about the new supplement, and McGwire willingly admitted that he took “andro,” along with “creatine,” to supplement his workouts. Little did we know at the time that he was also injecting himself in the ass with testosterone, but nonetheless this article had kickstarted a supplement BOOM across the entire United States.
I was a sophomore in college at the time, and I was working out a typical muscle head gym in Brooklyn, NY. After the article appeared about McGwire’s supplement use, so began the start of the “bulk’ era in modern bodybuilding. Dorian Yates was just wrapping up his illustrious bodybuilding career, and we were witnessing the emergence of a future bodybuilding legend named ”Ronnie Coleman.” The “symmetry” look was out of style, the grunge era was all but gone, and guys in the gym were bulking up like monsters.
I can still remember the Monday nights at the gym like it was yesterday. Guys were lined up six rows deep to use the bench press, creatine powder was spilled all over the floor in the locker rooms, and new bench press records were set almost daily.
Not only did the bodybuilding trends change over time, but also the sexual trends. In the late 90′s the most common way of banging girls was with the “Power Bomb” method. The “Power Bomb” method” was used my almost all the guys in the gym, and I enjoyed it because it was a really simple:
A) Get her pants off
B) Ram it in the hole
C) Start pounding away as hard, and as fast, as possible.
The name of the game was to ejaculate as quickly as possible, and the best part was that we were so dehydrated from the creatine, that we hardly produced any seminal fluid. When I would ejaculate it was like shooting a gun, and the only thing that would come out was a flag that said “BANG!”
I became so good in bed in the late 90′s, that I was able to ejaculate in 12 seconds flat! I was so good that my girlfriends used to brag in school about how fast I could cum. And like I stated before, the best part was that there was little to no mess afterwards because of the creatine.
Unfortunately, I got in an long term relationship in 1999, or like we say in the manosphere an “LTR,” and I was with the same girl for almost five years straight. When we broke up in 2004 I went back out on the dating scene, and I was totally lost and confused.
Not only were most of the guys at the clubs skinny and cut, but I tried to use the “Power Bomb” method on the first girl that I banged after breaking up, and it completely back fired. After we watched a movie in my apartment, I laid her down on my bed, ripped her pants off, and I jackhammered her for 17 seconds straight before I ejaculated. It wasn’t my best time ever, but I thought that 17 seconds was MORE than satisfactory. I was hoping to go under 15 seconds, but the alcohol was kicking in and I couldn’t blast off quick enough.
For some reason this girl never called me back, and I was in complete shock!
What went wrong?
I’m bench pressing really good, I’ve been supersetting my shoulders with my calves, why didn’t she call me back?
Like a blind man at an orgy, I was going to have to start feeling my away around.
I told one of my old training partners in the gym what had happened, and he started laughing at me. He said “Are you still using the Power Bomb technique?” ”Nobody uses that anymore, these girls today want you to stimulate the clitoris.”
“The clitoris?” “Are you fucking kidding me?’ I replied. “I haven’t heard that term used since junior high sex ed class! I like to bang my women the way I play basketball, one on one with little dribbling.”
“Hah, it’s not the 90′s anymore dude. I banged this girl for 45 minutes last night, with at least 15 minutes of foreplay. You need to start stimulating the clitoris if you want to impress the ladies.”
That year I learned a valuable lesson: You need to keep up with bodybuilding and sexual trends. Whether it is with pubic hair, bench press, or where you blow your load.
Today the only move that I saved from the 1990′s is called the “Tony Danza.” It’s when I’m banging a girl and I start yelling at her “Who’s the boss?? Who’s the BOSS?”
“Oh, you are Captain!”
“No bitch, its Tony Danza…”Tweet Follow @returnofkings