I want to discuss a phenomenon that occurs commonly in game and will be recognisable to guys who meet and date women regularly. In general when dealing with a new girl, textbook advice applies—you must make the interaction sexual early, and escalate rapidly in order to seal the deal, lest you lose her to one of her many orbiters in the Tinderdrome.

The trouble, though, is in knowing how far to push it on the first date. If you go to far and get the girl too turned on without sleeping with her then the chances are you will never see her again.

This is a paradox because in doing precisely the things you need to do to have sex with most girls—being tactile, and escalating from hand-holding and light touching to making out and more sexualised physical expression—you also run the risk of getting her too near the boil and then losing her.

It’s counterintuitive because, as men, the more a girl turns us on, the more likely we are to want to sleep with her. Surely it should be the same the other way around? Apparently not.

The Two Types Of Dates

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There are basically two types of dates – the “couple of quick drinks as a precursor to a one-night stand” date; and the “date one” date, where there may be another one, two, or three meetings before sex finally occurs, if it does at all. Standard advice is to try to steer your interaction towards the former—so even if the girl didn’t leave the house expecting to get down and dirty, she is swept away by passion in the moment and succumbs anyway.

The problems with this is that it works very, very well until it doesn’t. The fact is that however good looking you are, however dominant your male presence, however skilled at conversation, humor and escalation, even in 2015 there are still many girls who simply won’t put out on the first night.

And that is not taking into account peripheral issues like periods, boyfriends, work issues and so on. And if you get one of these girls all hotted up on a date then the chances are after she’s had time to cool down and assess the situation her so-called “anti-slut defence” will kick in and she will refuse to see you again.

Speaking as a member of the gender that will always rush back to the scene of the crime if sex is on offer, this is hard to understand. But if you have made your sexual desire so apparent to a woman without her having taken the bait, then she knows that there really is no way forward for you two other than for her to sleep with you.

So by agreeing to meet with you again she is basically tacitly stating that she’ll have sex. And remember, girls like to feel like “it just happened.” If there’s one thing they hate it’s being made to feel slutty.

The Point Of No Return

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This happened a few years ago. I met a girl outside a cafe who was eyeballing me as I walked down the street. I took her number and we went out a few days later. We went to a bar where, after one drink, she was all over me—literally straddling me as we made out (not a good look, but hey, I was experimenting with PDA at that time).

However, try as I might to pull her back to my place, she wouldn’t go for it. Fair enough. I split—and even as I did, I knew I would never see her again. Sure enough, when I pinged her a few days later, there was no response.

Why should this be the case? Anyone seeing us together would have assumed—rightly—that she was really into me. Certainly, there can be no doubt that she was physically attracted and turned on. The mistake I made, though, was taking her to the “point of no return” too early, on a first date when she never intended to have sex. Going home, she probably felt slutty, that I was “only after one thing.”

Many game-savvy guys won’t be surprised at this, and will probably claim that they always keep it cool and make the girl wait for the make-out until they’re back at their place. Fine, but the fact remains that I’ve used the technique of hard escalation described above many times, and more often than not it’s got me laid. What you can’t legislate for is the small number of times where you lose the girl.

How To Avoid Over-Escalation

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The trick, then, is to know which girls you should escalate hard with and which girls you should hold back on. The Troy Francis surefire way of determining this? I’m sorry guys, but there isn’t one. If there was ever a girl with DTF written all over her then it was the one I described above, and over-escalation cost me the lay. Other girls who have looked a lot more innocent have succumbed eagerly.

My advice is this. When meeting a girl on a date for the first time you must sexualise the interaction, you must push the envelope ,and at a minimum I would recommend you always ask her to come back to your place to “watch a movie,” see your prize tomatoes, or whatever. You might as well take the shot, and in most cases you won’t lose points. If anything, she’ll credit you for trying.

If, though, you get any sense that this girl is not up for accompanying you home for a little nocturnal fun tonight, then you must pull back and cool it. By all means make out with her a little at the end of the date, but don’t overdo it. Don’t try to be a pick-up hero.

Accept that many girls are simply not cool with one-night stands and chill. If you don’t push it too hard then the chances are she’ll agree to meet you again and you can game her once more, hopefully with more favourable results this time.

Read More: What To Do on a Date to Maximize Your Chances Of Closing