The Huffington Post recently put out an article titled “5 Reasons It’s Better To Be A Single Parent,” although it’s clear that it’s really about being an unwed mother. It’s written by Kerri Zane, who is described as a “single mom lifestyle expert.” How you become an expert in something that subjective is a mystery to me. Does she have a master’s degree in divorce?

I’ve seen a hundred articles by men glorifying free sex or avoiding marriage, but I’ve never read an article by a man glorifying divorce or bastardy. Well, okay, aside from that one Art of Manliness had, but I think that’s more trying to make the best of what you’re dealt with than an actual preference.

Also, this article is under the divorce subsection of HuffPo. Why would such a large publication have a section on this topic if it were not trying to glorify it?

For Zane, divorce court is an opportunity to make lemons out of lemonade.

Eleven years ago, when my former husband and I split, I saw my divorce as a glorious opportunity to parent solo. In fact, based on the latest Census Bureau statistics, there are over 14 million single parent households with children under the age of 18. That is a lot of people and a good reason to celebrate.

So someone decided to make March 21 Single Parent Day (or more realistically, Unwed Mother Day). The article doesn’t state who decided it to be so, so I’m assuming Hallmark. I have no doubt the Catholic Church will adopt it in a few years. Kick off some fifth century saint to make room for a good two-thirds of their congregation.

As a single mom advisor and author of It Takes All 5, I would like to honor the day and offer you five solid reasons why it’s better to be a single mom or dad then half of a parenting pair.

This philosophy is actually what the HuffPo article is about. We have reached full moral sewer. All that Clarey and Aurini said about the Left actively trying to destroy the family that made them sound like paranoid conspiracy theorists? It’s all true.

Here are Zane’s five excuses she uses to justify her terrible life choices and convince you to do the same:

1. You always get your way

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Zane enjoys that she’s cut the balls of her children’s father and relegated him to their “weekend guardian,” to quote a scene from Thank You For Smoking.

Rather than navigating the treacherous territory of constant parental compromise, you can independently make choices for your children that you feel is best. […]

While your married counterparts continue to disagree on the state of their children’s welfare, you get to make unilateral choices, which in the long run is better for your offspring’s well-being. A child’s behavior can be negatively affected by adult arguing.

Because having your family severed into two isn’t a form of arguing, apparently. And what is it she’s free to decide?

No more discussing the finer points of gymnastics vs. volleyball. I didn’t have to debate dessert after dinner vs. never ever letting sugar touch lips. And there was no longer a lengthy discussion over the reason my daughters needed braces.

Those are hardly important decisions. Who wants to place bets that she’s the hippie that wanted her kids to never eat sugar and her husband was the one who was all like, “Eh, let them be kids”?

Furthermore, her point that two parents shouldn’t argue over everything further supports the ROK ideology that women should let their husbands have the final say on important matters. If you have to choose between being a submissive wife or destroying your family, go for the one that best benefits the people in your life you are responsible for. Empower someone else other than your ego.

Payment plans were designed for the single parent!

Or something like that

Or something like that

Forget the donation drive. ROK needs to start a credit card company.

After my father left my mother, she decided to never date again, regularly stayed at work until ten at night, grew obese, developed a hoarding complex, and become confused when all three of her children cultivated substance abuse problems. But hey, she got full custody, so having the primary burden of not screwing up her children certainly makes hers a full life well-lived.

2. You Can Encourage Your Daughters To Pursue An Inflated Ego

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Zane wants her daughters to believe that they don’t need anyone else in their life. They can do anything on their own, which I’m hoping includes avoiding government financial assistance.

You can’t make it through life without relying on other people. Eventually you will need the help of someone else. Better to learn humility now than humiliation later. And there’s a unique kind of obnoxiousness in someone who refuses assistance or a gift out of some self-martyric “I’m a giving tree” onanism.

You embody the the idea that it’s better to “want” to be in a relationship because there is a loving bond rather than you “need” to be in a relationship because there is stuff to be done or procured.

Except she got divorced. Which means that the “want” wasn’t enough of a loving bond.

My very own unwed mother took great pride in never once using government assistance and rarely using childcare. There’s no telling how much money she indefinitely borrowed from her parents, though, and my grandfather watched us three or four days out of the week during the school year, since my mother was a kindergarten teacher.

3. Teach Your Children To Die Alone

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Zane wants to pass her heartbreak and isolation onto her children.

Children will be enlightened and possibly relieved that they are no longer tied to that traditional lifestyle.

Relieved that they only see Daddy on every other weekend and every Tuesday night? Children need to be tied to that traditional lifestyle, because children need stability. Otherwise they end up an alcoholic law school dropout who writes hate speech on the internet.

These lessons are particularly important for girls, who were raised on the fictitious belief that Prince Charming would sweep them of their feet to live happily ever after, only to become enormously disappointed when their fairytale ending turns into a hardcore courtroom reality.

Yeah, I’m sure it was Zane who was the most disappointed in that courtroom. Conservative estimates place women as initiating two-thirds of divorces. And since she already said above, “I saw my divorce as a glorious opportunity to parent solo,” I’m assuming that she is the one who decided to dismiss the father in favor of more exciting men.

I like how she admits she wanted the fairy tale narrative. Remember kids, a girl’s marital market value [MMV?] skyrockets if she keeps her legs closed until the wedding night. Ladies get treated like ladies. Hoes get treated like hoes. Speaking of which…

4. You Get To Be A Slut!

Zane then brags about how much fun it is getting fucked and forgotten.

While [married couples] constantly have to “spice it up” in the bedroom, the nature of being single and switching partners does all the cooking for us. We tease, experiment and explore the bawdy awareness of every new lover.

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When not confusing her children with a string of month-long father figures, Zane also enjoys sleeping in her bed alone, which in some way is the most depressing part of the article.

The National Sleep Foundation reported that sleeping two to a bed could cause you to lose 49 minutes of sleep per night. That’s a lot! On the nights when no one is next to me to snuggle with, I lay diagonally across the mattress, relishing the cool crisp sheets on “his side.”

Lifeless bedsheets instead of a man who loves you? Empowerment. Notice that this section doesn’t have anything to do with parenthood.

5. It Motivates You To Lose 30 Pounds

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Are you a fatass? Can’t get motivated enough to hit the gym past the second week of January? Kerri Zane has the answer for you.

Most of us have an overriding desire to want to be attractive to prospective mates of the opposite sex. The result of a divorce? A slimmer, trimmer you — aka the Divorce Diet. Take a look at Tom Cruise who reportedly lost 15 pounds after splitting with Katie. Jennie Garth lost 20 and Demi Moore has been stick thin since the departure of her sweetheart, Ashton Kutcher.

Apparently Zane is so self-focused that attracting new dick is more motivating than pleasing the man she promised forever and ever. Maybe she’s losing so much weight because now she has to work an actual job instead of watching Lifetime tv movies all day.

The best way to handle the inevitable life shifts is to stay positive, reach out for support from your friends and family, relish the time you spend with your children and most importantly, create a daily space for some much deserved me-time.

If this doesn’t summarize the narcissistic entitlement of the author, I don’t know what does.

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