Achievement Unlocked

The typical Return Of Kings reader is a complete dirtbag. Trust me on this. We can smell our own.

To us, sex is not a sacred act consecrating love, passion and a bond of loyalty between two adults. Sex – that most emotional and essential of human activities – is a mere game to be played.

Unhealthy and self-destructive though this attitude may be, it has inspired me to develop a set of goals and metrics to gauge my progress down through the inner circles of hell. What gets measured, gets managed. And so dear reader, I present to you my collection of goals, records, benchmarks and aspirations, that I use to guide and give meaning to my irresponsible, incautious and pride-fueled romp through womankind:

1. The Slugging Percentage

Every week is a fresh ‘at bat.’

You get seven pitches, one each day of the week.

If you bang one girl in a 24-hour period, that’s a single. Two is a double, three is a triple, four is a grand slam. Note these are ‘bangs’ not ‘notches.’ Repeat offenders still count.

Your score for the week is the highest base you reach. If you’re the rare quant-slash-playboy, feel free to chart out your slugging percentage over time using this measure. The Slugging Percentage is a good test of harem management skills, as it incentivizes the close temporal grouping of girls on the rotation. It also increases the odds of explosive baby mama drama and general hilarity, which is a bonus for your buddies and blog readers alike.

2. Par

Every hole in golf is different. This is why golfers have ‘par’ i.e. the number of shots it should take a decent golfer to get to the hole.

Similarly, every month is different, and you should adjust your expected number of fresh notches accordingly. June in Barcelona with three solid wings and a penthouse apartment? Par 10, if not 20. February in Iqaluit, nay, suburban Iqaluit? Par 1.

At the start of each year, plot out your planned lifestyle over the course of the year and set par for each month. At the end of each month, if you’ve made par that’s a zero. Birdie is +1 notch, eagle is +2, +3 is a double eagle and so on. One less notch is a bogie, two less is a double bogie and so on. Keep a scorecard with your friends throughout the year, and feel free to award a ‘handicap’ to anyone so unfortunate as to not read blogs such as this one, Roosh, Roissy, G Manifesto, Dagonet, Naughty Nomad, Wall Street Playboys, Bold and Determined, Danger and Play and Thumotic.

3. Track Records

I’m a man who enjoys an occasional weekday night on the prowl, but I’m also not the 21-year-old rapscallion I once was. Lack of sleep catches up with me. To minimize the damage done to my training, hustling and general happiness caused by lack of sleep, I aspire to be in and out of my weekday hunting grounds as quickly as possible.

The rules are: Stop your timer and wave the checkered flag as soon as the girl is over your bedroom door threshold. There is no limit to the start time for the evening. Each venue and day of the week is a different course. If you get a girl into your bedroom and then fail to close, you haven’t read my guide to negating last-minute resistance, and your record is invalid.

4. KO, TKO, Decision on Points

In terms of transitioning closed deals to harem regulars, it’s all about showing the girl stars on that first night. The single most effective way to maximize your ‘hand’ in a budding relationship is to fuck her properly that first night. If you do this, you can kill her cat with your bare hands in front of her on date #2 and she will forgive you for it.

A KO is scored when you have left your girl a writhing, gushing, squirming, screaming heap of estrogen and spent energy several times throughout the night. The KO is scored when your bed is in shambles, she can’t speak, your dick is sore, she needs to be treated for dehydration, and your back looks like you were attacked by Wolverine in a berserker rage. It is a complete and utter knock-out, and she will be on the mat for the next three months of your mini-relationship.

A TKO is scored when you properly bring the thunder, both of you have a good time, and you get that sound out of her at least once. This is the kind of sex she will sincerely describe to her girlfriends as ‘good’ if they ask but otherwise won’t bring it up. A TKO is a ‘meets expectations’ and a 5% raise.  You’ve knocked her down a few times, but she didn’t have much trouble getting back up.

The outcome of a TKO is that she will almost certainly come back for more, but you will still have to put in some work to earn her complete and total submission.

A Decision On Points occurs when you close the deal with unremarkable sex. The kind of sex that she enjoys, but feels vaguely disappointed about afterwards, and describes to her girlfriends as ‘nice’ after the fact with a 1000-yard stare. In this case, consider yourself to have lost all hand in the relationship entirely. If she is sticking around after mediocre sex, it is because she views you as potential boyfriend material. It is a ‘W’ to be sure, but it is nothing to brag about.

5. The Golden Touchdown

Credit to the Roosh V Forum community for this one. A Golden Touchdown is awarded when a man secures his flag within 24 hours of arriving in a new country. A Platinum Touchdown is scored when two separate lays are scored on Day 1. Three is a Diamond Touchdown. If you can rail more than three new notches within a day of hitting tarmac, there is no category for you – but I doubt that’s going to ruin your day.

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