All too often, men are unable to keep women interested and invested in conversations. I’ve had Google searches like “great date questions” or “what do I talk to a girl about on a date” lead people to my site. However, these searches indicate that men are missing the point in conversations. While they’re busy looking for a killer topic or the silver conversational bullet that will make women like them, they aren’t realizing that even if they do ask some good questions, these will quickly run out.
Here’s the secret: it doesn’t matter WHAT you talk about as much as HOW you talk about it.
A massive part of communication and how you talk about things is conveyed through your body language, voice tone and eye contact. However, today I’m going to share one simple conversational technique that will rapidly improve your conversational abilities and how interesting women find you.
That technique is to share details.
Men and women with lower conversational abilities tend to gloss over the subjects they’re talking about. They are unable to take people on an interesting or emotional journey with them, because of the lack of detail. If you can’t picture something somebody’s telling you, you’re not going to get invested in it. It’s consequently better to spend 2, 3, 4, or 5 minutes talking about one experience you’ve had, then to spend that time trying to mention three or four cool things you’ve done.
For example, consider and rate the responses by the following three guys:
Hot Girl: I like travelling.
Guy 1: Cool. Where have you been?
Guy 2: Cool, I just came home from Europe! It was great. I went to France, Germany and Spain. I saw the Eiffel Tower, did some really interesting history tours in Germany and ate lots of great food in Spain. Met lots of really cool people along the way as well. I’m definitely keen to go back and travel to more of Europe next time. Something I’d like to do is try sailing in Croatia, I hear there’s lots of beautiful islands. Have you been to Europe?
Guy 3: Cool, I just came home from Europe. One of the countries I went to was France, partly because I’d always wanted to see the Eiffel Tower. I grew up reading about it in books and seeing it in movies, so actually being there was surreal. Even waiting in line for the elevator alongside my friends and total strangers made the experience all the more exciting and really gave me time to study what an incredible building it really is. Then the feeling of anticipation as our group went up was electrifying, and it seemed like the stresses of everyone’s travels just seemed to disappear as we reached the observation deck and looked out over Paris…
Guy 1 demonstrates a complete lack of conversational ability. Rather than show the girl that he is a cool, interesting person, he thrusts the onus onto her to come up with something.
Guy 2 is able to show that he’s done some interesting things. He’s established that they have something basic in common. However, he hasn’t differentiated himself from the thousands of other people who also traveled to Europe. He paid some money and saw some sights. Cool. But so what?
Guy 3 has taken the girl on an emotional journey with him. He told her about something he’d wanted to do as a child. He described how he felt about achieving his goal. He painted a vivid picture of the story, which allowed the girl to feel and join an emotional journey with him. He also provided plenty of hooks for her to take a hold of and keep talking. While the length of what Guy 3 said may seem like overkill, it’s not. By indicating that France was just one of the countries he went to and providing more details about one particular topic, he was conversely able to hold lots more of himself back and show that there’s much more to him than meets the eye. Girls are generally happy to listen and enjoy being taken somewhere outside of their ordinary, everyday routine.
Peoples brains are also wired to remember the specific, unusual things that we hear, rather than the mundane and ordinary things. So if you’re one of ten guys who she’s spoken to in the last week who thinks you’re cool because you went overseas, think again. You need to frame what you say in such a way that will stick in her mind and make her remember. The best way to do that is through sharing details and connecting with her emotional responses. The same principles apply for more mundane and everyday conversations.
Hot Girl: Have a good weekend?
Guy 1: Yeah it was pretty good, how was yours?
Guy 2: It was fun, caught up with some friends, had dinner on Friday night with some people I hadn’t caught up with in ages and then played sport Saturday. What about you?
Guy 3: It was great, caught up with some friends for dinner on Friday night.. oh and we went to restaurant X where I had the most delicious pasta I’ve had in ages. It was this really light spaghetti combined with a rich herb and mince sauce with just a mild kick of spice that rounded it off perfectly. Delicious. Eat anything particularly good on the weekend?
Guy 1 is boring, ordinary and clearly has nothing cool to talk about.
Guy 2 is your standard beta male. She will have forgotten about what he said by the time he’s finished his conversation. The question at the end is standard, typical and boring.
Guy 3 will make her think about what he’s saying. She’ll also have to go back and think harder about what she ate on the weekend as it’s a more unusual question than what she’d be used to. The little details he shares show that he is aware of his surroundings and appreciates the good things in life. The conversation will also leave her with a good vibe.
For a brilliant real life example of the importance of sharing details, disregard whatever you may think about President Obama and watch the huge amounts of details he shares in this story.
Now, try and imagine the speech if he hadn’t shared how tired he was, or how he was hoping for sunshine but it was raining, or what an ordeal it was to get to the town, or that the woman was wearing a big hat and was a private detective, or one of the million other details he provided. He takes people on an emotional journey with him. He’s able to do this because of sharing the seemingly inconsequential details of the story and painting a vivid picture as a result.
Share details, men. Your conversational success depends on it.
Read More: 4 Common Mistakes that Kill Your Game