Clubs are supposed to be full of super hot and horny women, who are just begging to be fucked…right? Maybe not. I turned 19 recently and decided to go to my first club last night. I expected to find horny 9s everywhere. Boy was that dream crushed fast.
The club I went to was 560, a popular club in downtown Vancouver, one that is held in high regard among the party goers here. Of course, I may have a limited worldview. There may be lots of clubs that are awesome, that I just have not yet been to. However, it is likely that many other clubs suffer form the same problems that this one suffered from, and if this club is a biopsy of a larger tumor on our society. As objectively as possible, this is what I saw:
1. Line up
We were in the line up to get in the club, and the guy behind us asked how long it would take to get in. 30 or 40 minutes was the answer from the fat bouncer. My friends said lets just grease the bouncer and get in, so we did that. $20 gone, only to pay another $20 inside.
When we were inside, the club was almost empty, much to my confusion. I think they deliberately kept the line up long in order to make the place appear better than it was.
2. No seats
I understand that clubs make a lot of money by offering table service and all of that, but there was literally no place to sit without paying. I don’t need a luxury leather chair to sit on, a wooden bench would be acceptable, but nope. You need to pay in order to have the privilege of sitting.
3. Drinks are overpriced
$15 for 2 beers. You can buy more beer than that from a liquor store. You can buy a six pack of Molson Canadian for under $15. If you decide to be buzzed in the club, buy your own alcohol and drink it outside, before waiting in line for half an hour (or greasing the fat bouncer).
4. Shitty music
Loud shitty music was blaring all night. You had to scream to talk to someone in front of you. All the songs were awful remixes by unknown local DJs trying to be the next Deadmau5. If you want to be the next big DJ go for it, but try to at least put a tiny bit of effort into your set. Avoid the awkward pauses in the music, terrible transitions, and horribly chopped songs that I witnessed.
5. Dance floor and girl quality
I decided to hit the dance floor and check out the dance scene. I saw lots of whales dancing, and lots of girls dancing together. Whenever you tried to dance with any girl, her mother-hen friend would instantly take her away. There were mainly 6s, a few 7s, lots of 5s and whales.
There were maybe 3 girls who were an 8 or 9 out of a fuck-ton of people, maybe two or three hundred. The girls were also astronomically picky and entitled. I’m not Johnny Depp, but not exactly ugly either, yet the 6s and 5s were turning their noses at me. I found it hard to not laugh.
6. Strobe lights
On the dance floor strobe lights were going off like crazy. Mixed with the loud pulses of generic music it was almost like having a flash-bang going off in front of you. And behind you. And beside you.
7. All the girls wanted black guys
Before someone jumps in with accusations of racism, I’ll say the cop-out: I’m not racist, my best friends are black. Now that that’s out of the way, every single girl ignored every guy that wasn’t black. They would flock to the black guys like moths to a flame. If you’re a black guy, hit the club and you will get girls, 100%. If you’re not, you may not have as good of a time.
There were WAY more guys than girls.The dance floor was packed like a sardine can, with lots of guys awkwardly trying to dance. Also the floor was sticky, and there were quite a few drinks spilled everywhere. A guy spilled his drink all over my friend. It costs five dollars to hang your coat. There were people with table service getting drinks with sparklers in them. Funny, but also sad that they would spend hundreds to inflate their ego.
Overall the experience was enlightening and sobering. I know more of the club culture than I did before. I know now that you are more likely to find a whale than a babe, even a cute 7, in one of the most popular clubs in Vancouver. All I saw was people awkwardly dancing to awful music, guys trying to get the few hot girls that were there and failing because of the mother-hens, and egotistical guys showing off their money.
To any of the guys here that can pull girls in the club, you have my utmost respect. It was brutal in there. The whales frightened me with their looks of hunger. I don’t think I’ll be going clubbing again anytime soon, and I especially won’t go to 560 in Vancouver. I’ll get a gym membership and work out instead.