Does this even need an introduction? Bill Clinton is an absolute alpha male. Alpha, alpha, alpha. Gaston-level alpha. Here’s why.

Monica

That was a woman in love. Monica has accomplished nothing with her life since then except growing fat. And why need to maintain her appearance when she knows that no other man will ever be able to satisfy her?

She sues or does modeling shots once in a while, but that’s just so that she can still feel relevant. She wants to feel connected to the few months that were the only time in her life when she felt a female’s favorite emotion: anticipation.

I don’t believe for a second that they stopped at oral.

Maybe she wasn’t terribly pretty, but Bill chose to make her more than a one-night stand. He chose to take the risk in banging an intern when he could have had any other girl in the city. Don’t tell me she was just a convenient hole. She must have had some serious female charisma.

monica

March 2001. 3/10, WNB.

Roman poets like Horace wrote often about such things. Aristocrat has affair with common girl. But she grows older, and he’s got his family to attend to, so they part ways. Or perhaps they just got bored or resentful. In ancient times it was socially acceptable to be such an alpha.

I wonder if Monica regrets ever knowing Bill. The deeper the exhilaration, the even more deeper the pain once it’s gone. But then again, he did make her feel absolutely alive in an environment that was otherwise dead. She knew going into the affair that she would be nothing more than a memory. Perhaps that’s all the validation she needed. I imagine today Monica often wishes she could have had Bill’s abortion.

Hillary

The woman has accomplished nothing in her life except rubbing her pussy on the glass ceiling and calling it power. Like all front-and-center female politicians, Hillary wears a pantsuit and has boyish hair to look less feminine. Her “I’m powerful because my husband is powerful” outlook would in theory be the complete opposite of feminism, but at this point she takes what she can get to stave off the crippling self-doubt. Why the liberals haven’t found a new mascot already is beyond me, because the American people will never vote Hillary into office.

But Hillary’s ugliness is not just political posturing. See that picture at the top? That scaly-looking woman with Bill is a young Hillary. It’s almost an intimate moment. Perusing through old photos, that’s the only one that looks like they were almost touching, and their smiles look forced. Body language doesn’t lie. Hillary is the kind of woman who needs feminism.

Look closely at how ugly and terrifying (two unrelated traits) she is and then take a guess why Bill married her instead of any other girl he knew on a first name basis. Keep in mind they met at Yale, not backwoods Wyoming or ghetto Memphis, so it’s not like he was short on choices. Hillary resents all things traditionally feminine.

Granted, Bill’s not marriageable-quality either, but at least he’s a charmer. Hillary is neither of the two. I think it’s not so much that Hillary is naturally ugly, although her cheeks are weird. There is something in her gaze that both draws you in and repels you.

Hillary-Clinton

Hillary in her youth and lack of sexual prime.

Bill only married her for the money. It was Monica he grew to love.

They claim Hillary’s a lesbian. I don’t believe that. There’s no such thing as a lesbian. Some part of her had to be attracted to Bill, even if she couldn’t feel love. After all, he’s Bill Clinton. Only Charles Manson exceeds him in charisma. She obviously married him for the status, but that’s always a crucial element in a woman’s affection.

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Urban Dictionary: The best social commentary on the internet

The common myth is that Hillary used him to push her political agendas. I don’t believe that either. An alpha like Bill isn’t controlled by people, especially a miserable wife. She was just a trophy to placate the feminists. “Ugly, hateful women can land high-status men, too!” Why would he need to appease her by pushing her agendas? He already had everything he needed. The only thing she had to offer was her money, her acceptance of his philandering, and her alleged spousal abuse.

F. Scott Fitzgerald was told as a young man, “Rich girls don’t marry poor boys.” Bill may have grown up poor white trash, but he had enough immaterial wealth to overcome it. The real question was whether it was worth it for Bill to marry such a miserable shrew.

Saxophone

They also claim that Bill was a great saxophone player. Actually, he was terrible at it. But it doesn’t matter. Playing improv sax is like dancing tango: It doesn’t matter how bad you are so long as you can fake it. If a sax player can fart out a few notes in the right key, women will drop their pants. No other instrument quite works that way.

Trained musicians will listen to that video of him playing “Heartbreak Hotel” and cringe. Much like many seemingly impressive blues and metal guitar solos, Bill’s saxophone playing was all cheap musical tricks designed for pure showing off. None of it had real musical value.

To quote Leela from Futurama, “My ex-boyfriend Sean played the sax. I used to listen for hours while he sat naked on my couch and improvised. Then I found someone else’s couch fibers on his butt.”

What Can We Learn?

Not much, actually. The kind of charisma Bill has is not something you can learn. It’s something you’re born with. Frankly, the unattainability is what makes him so admirable.

Bill Clinton deserves our praise. In the ancient days, the Greeks made their heroes—both in old stories and in contemporary politics—into gods, gradually evolving upon the myth until a cult arose around them. Bill Clinton—despite his leftist political insanity—is a god for red pill men to worship. We are blessed to have him as a role model and an example in our generation of betatude. We should pray to him that he writes a tell-all book on his deathbed.

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