There have been a number of excellent articles written here about girls who suffer from personality disorders (like BPD). The general consensus seems to be “run like hell” and while I agree wholeheartedly with this advice, in actuality, most guys will fail to heed the warnings of more experienced men.
I’ve always been extremely passionate about helping guys handle their breakup challenges. Many times, it’s apparent that their ex is a bit on the crazy side and would make the guy’s life a living hell if he got her back. But whenever I voiced my concerns they would simply say, “Yeah, you’re probably right but I don’t care. What’s my next step?” I learned that when a man is dead-set on making his situation work, there’s almost nothing you can do to talk him out of it.
So this article is for the guys out there whose masochistic tendencies run deep and are ready for a world of pain. Dating borderline women is like playing the game of thrones with one exception: winning isn’t an option. When you play this game you either lose… or you die. So good luck!
What’s your strategy?
Borderline girls typically end up with two types of men: needy tools (who they destroy) and guys with real Dark Triad traits who truly don’t give a shit. Avoiding deep emotional investment is the only way to stay in the game and not get crushed but it’s much easier said than done, especially if you’re not a sociopath.
The good news: if you can maintain your frame, you’ll render the competition irrelevant and the girl will be absolutely addicted to you. The bad news: she’ll still be in your life and you’ll have to deal with her craziness on a near-daily basis.
So here’s the tricky part: if you’re too much of an aloof asshole, she’ll be unable to trust you and her crazy behavior will just get worse. But if you’re too nice and understanding, she’ll lose her respect and attraction for you. You need to be somewhere in the middle.
The way I play it is to always come from the heart, no matter how aggravated I get. Strive to come from a place of care and concern while also having no attachment to the outcome since the sad reality is they truly can’t help their behavior. I understand this sounds like you’re giving them a free pass, but they have a very difficult time understanding that, they alone, are responsible for their misery.
Most just can’t accept this and the ones who have this awareness typically hate themselves because they’re unable to stop their bullshit (as much as they’d like to).
Yeah, but the sex is incredible
So whenever you feel the rage building up inside, realize that you would have most likely turned out the same way had you also been abused by your caretakers. Who she is today is a result of her shitty childhood and this standpoint will make it easier to have concern for her well-being, regardless of the crap you she puts you through.
Now, no matter how tight your game, you’re going to be forever locked into a never-ending frame battle. She’ll be constantly shit-testing you for the duration of your relationship and it won’t be pleasant. That being said, seeing her as a scared little girl who’s deathly afraid of being hurt or abandoned can help you keep your bearings straight and ride it out.
If she truly didn’t care about you, you wouldn’t be the recipient of all her bullshit so she definitely cares to some degree. Unfortunately, she equates romantic love with drama and pain and will do her best to create this for herself, with or without your help. Just do your best to stay on point and don’t take her crap personally. If your mindset is, “I need to break this bitch and win the game” then, no matter how many mini-battles you win, you still won’t make much headway.
How to interact with them when they’re behaving
Let me point out that you need to have two different sets of tactics: interacting with her when she’s acting “normal” and dealing with her bat-shit crazy mode. You’ll need two distinct strategies because you’re essentially dealing with two different girls. Because of space constraints, this article will only cover what to do when things are on an upswing.
1. Apply standard game tactics
Give them lots of fun, good feelings, and a range of emotions. Be dominant, limit your availability, be a bit difficult, etc. The problem most guys run into is that these behaviors are easy to perform in the initial stages of dating but, once a guy gets attached, he lets his good habits fall to the wayside. You’ll need to stay sharp for the duration of the relationship. No exceptions.
2. Intermittently reinforce their flirting attempts
Sometimes you have to respond to their flirting and physical affection with some of your own, and other times you have to act unaffected and disinterested (there shouldn’t be a discernible pattern). Remember, that if you were with a normal girl, sometimes you’d be in the mood for her affection (and for sex) and sometimes you wouldn’t.
You want to mimic this with your borderline girl even when you’re starved for attention and sex (they’re notorious for withdrawing their attention and turning cold for days at the drop of a hat).
3. Go easy with the affection
Be careful with dishing out too much affection (hugs, hand-holding, etc). Sometimes they’ll crave it and other times they’ll be repulsed by it (depending on which part of their personality is taking center stage). As a general rule, refrain from physical affection until they’re showing signs of receptivity.
In other words, let the cat crawl into your lap before you start petting it. Note: This strategy works well in any relationship, regardless of the girl’s personality type.
I know a lot of you are rolling your eyes like, “yeah, yeah, I know all this already” but in actuality, guys desire love and affection just like women do and most guys will try to give it to get it, especially when their girl has gone cold. While this can work with the average girl, it’s a poor strategy for a BPD and comes off (to her) like you’re trying to manipulate her into giving you affection in return. Better to wait for her to be affectionate on her own time.
4. Expect a crash to happen
Yes, I know they’ve been a little angel for the last six weeks but expect a crash to happen any day now. Don’t let yourself get addicted to their good side.
5. Give them good (and frequent) sex
I’m not entirely sure you can bang the crazy out of them, but frequent orgasms and the satiety of their sexual desires will be the best therapy you can give them. However, not all BPD’s are the same. Some will readily submit to you inside and outside the bedroom and others will refuse to let you take the lead initially.
The ones that identify themselves as “independent” will be the most difficult to deal with but if you stay solid, she will eventually open up to you and be comfortable giving up the lead. Just realize it can be a long process which won’t be worth all the effort you’ll have to put in.
6. Give up the desire to “fix” them
Don’t try to be their therapist. You can offer them emotional support without being a girlfriend by listening and responding to their frustrations with, “Damn that must be tough. But I have faith that you’ll figure it out. You always do.” Don’t give them advice or tell them they’re handling a situation improperly.
Also, don’t push them to get therapy. On one hand, most will be deeply offended you suggested such a thing and on the other, therapy is rarely effective for borderlines. One of my psychiatrist friends once told me, “There’s not much you can do for these girls other than just wait it out. They almost always grow out of it eventually, although usually not until they hit their 50’s. Until then, you’re pretty much fucked.” Thanks, doc!
This should be enough to get you moving in the right direction (I’ll cover additional strategies in future articles). In the meantime, please realize that life is far too short to waste time on damaged women who refuse to seek out help for themselves.
If you’re already in too deep, then hopefully this info will help you get some power back until you’re ready to walk for good. And when that day comes, run as fast as you can because she’ll be right behind you… most likely holding an axe.