A New Jersey lawmaker has introduced a bill which would criminalize “acts of lying” to obtain sex.  Such “sexual assault by fraud” would be treated as rape, and therefore subject men to punishments of up to 20 years in prison for such rapey statements as “Of course I’ll respect you in the morning,” or “I promise to call you tomorrow.”

Imprisonment under such circumstances is not a ridiculous result. According to Salon:

[f]raud invalidates any semblance of consent just as forcible sexual contact does… As written, the bill doesn’t consider sexual assault by fraud any less serious than other types of sexual assault that are already on the books.

Imagine that—20 years incarceration for reassuring, “Let’s go out this weekend,” when you had absolutely no intention of following through on that promise, or maybe you got called in to work at the last minute.  Other “lies” which could guarantee you jail time:

 “No, I’m not married.”

 “I don’t have a girlfriend.”

“You’re hair looks amazing.”

“Sure, this means we’re going steady.”

“No, I don’t find your sister attractive.”

“I’m a millionaire, I just forgot my wallet.”

“You’re the type of woman I could marry.”

“You’re the most beautiful girl I’ve ever met.”

Basically, the proposed law criminalizes “good game.” Remember in Swingers when Vince Vaughn advised Jon Favreau to tells girls that he was a “producer” when he was actually a struggling comedian? Well, unless you have ample credits on IMDB to back it up, that claim would be considered “sexual assault by fraud” in New Jersey.

This legislation is yet another attack on men’s rights, and more ominously, a not-so-veiled attempt to give jilted or otherwise unhappy women any reason whatsoever to punish those evil men. Break up with a girl without her consent? Prepare to be accused of lying about “wanting to settle down” and therefore, subject to prosecution.

Or worse, tell her she “doesn’t look fat” in those pants, when she actually looks like a water buffalo—off to the big house with you. A law that criminalizes your thoughts is the ultimate weapon of a vindictive female, literally a “he said, she didn’t like it” crime.

So what does this mean to you, as a normal guy, just trying to enjoy life, meet some ladies and have a good time? It means that “affirmative consent” is not enough. The proliferation of affirmative consent laws have made prosecutions that much easier because engaging in a sex act voluntarily is no longer enough to prevent a female from accusing you of assault.

And it gets worse. Quite literally, this new law means that every woman you meet is a ticking time bomb, and every statement you utter holds the potential to imprison you. No more playful innuendo or hyperbole. If you say something, buster, you better mean it. Consider the lyrics of that epic 70’s love ballad “Paradise by the Dashboard Light”:

Do you love me?  Will you love me forever?

Do you need me?  Will you never leave me?

Will you make me so happy for the rest of my life?

Will you take me away, and will you make me your wife?

Let’s be honest, when a guy’s about to get laid, he’ll promise all sorts of stuff, from long term commitment to finding a cure for ebola—and both of those would be considered rape under the new law. Your answer to any questions resembling those Meat Loaf lyrics should be, “Let me discuss that with my lawyer and get back to you. In the meantime, can you please sign and notarize this Statement of Affirmative Consent and have it reviewed by your independent counsel?”

In order to counter such blatant violations of our constitutional and human rights, men must not cower under the threat of such charges. Instead, men must fight back and expose the hypocrisy of such silly legislation, which, ironically, takes away resources and attention from legitimate crimes.

Women must also be subjected to prosecution when they obtain sex by “fraud.” For example, men should pursue charges if a partner lies about being on birth control or having a boyfriend. And most importantly, watch your back and use a survival tactic made famous by Sergeant Schultz in that classic sitcom.

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Read More:  Game Can Protect You From False Rape Accusations