According to Mark Manson in his well-known book, Models: Attract Women through Honesty: 

Women are turned on by being wanted, by being desired. Suddenly, seemingly disconnected events that arouse women—a romantic marriage proposal in one instance, and a rape fantasy in another—make sense. Both indicate an extreme display of desire in her by a man.”

Women desire to be desired. Many healthy women have rape fantasies not because they literally want to be raped, but because those fantasies makes them feel as if they are submitting to a man’s powerful desire for her. This desire to be desirable is a little narcissistic, as it implies that since a man desires her, she must be attractive. This often fuels women’s egos to believe they are more attractive than they actually are.

Once in a night club in Taiwan I stood on the edge of the dance floor contemplating whether or not I should go home, because I had already had a fun night. I noticed a girl dancing not far from me. A French guy started dancing behind her, trying to get her attention. When he did this her movements became even more exaggerated. I could actually see her ego swelling. I laughed to myself at this scene and then looked away from her.

Almost instantly she was dancing right next to me, pressing her body up against me as her ego begged for my attention. The more I ignored her the more she struggled to pull my attention to her. Finally she couldn’t take it anymore and tried to kiss me.

She wasn’t ugly on the outside, but her neediness turned me off. By basing her self-worth on male attention and her ego’s need for validation I just didn’t feel interested in her. Although I hesitated when I realized this, I let her kiss me for an instant before pushing her away. She immediately ran away with her prize. A tiny piece of male attention made her feel like an attractive, desirable woman.

Women get accustomed to free attention and easily become frustrated when they don’t get it.

Women of every level of attractiveness get thousands of messages on Facebook and other social media from men giving away free attention. They comment on her photos and beg for her approval by complimenting how “hot,” “beautiful” or “sexy” she is. These messages fuel her ego and make her feel desired before she has even earned this male attention. She then develops an entitled attitude, in which she expects men should desire her and give her attention, but she feels absolutely no obligation to give any value in return.

Your attention is the most valuable commodity you can provide a woman. When you give it freely you are implying your attention is very cheap. Attention should be earned. This applies to all forms of attention you could give a girl. Even if you argue with a woman it implies that on some level you care about her opinion.

When should you express your desire?

Would you ever walk up to a random girl on the street and start the conversation with, “Hey, I just had to tell you, you are the sexiest girl I’ve seen today!” or even something a little crazier, “hey you are sexy, will you come home with me?”?

I’m sure some of you would. I’ve started conversations a few times by pointing out I find a girl sexy with mixed results. Many girls just walked away, and a few were pleasantly flattered by the forward compliment.

Of course, the exact words you say are not as important as the vibe you give off when you are interacting with people, but the point here is that stating to a woman you find her sexy or desirable before she has earned your attention devalues what you have to offer.

Letting a woman know you find her desirable is best after she has earned your attention. She may not consciously realize exactly what is going on, but it will feel much more exciting to her to be desired by a man whose attention she has earned than to feel desired by random beta guys who throw away their attention without her first working for it.

How do you let her know you want her?

I was once on a first date with a girl and after a couple hours of getting to know each other, I stood in front of her, looked into her eyes, a sly smile on my face, and I stepped even closer, inches from her lips. Invading her private space, I asked a simple question, “So what do you want to eat?” And I was just hungry and wondering what we should have for dinner.

But later, after I took her home for the first time, I asked her, “so when did you first think about kissing me?”

You can probably guess she said it was when I was giving her that intimidating look and asking what was for dinner. Even though we had only been hanging out about an hour at that time I made her feel like I wanted to eat her for dinner. And she loved it. Even subtly implying my desire for her was enough to trigger arousal.

One time I had just met a girl at a small party and after convincing her to sit next to me and give me a massage, I leaned in, pushed her hair aside, and smelled her neck. After I took her home that night, she later told me that it was when I smelled her neck and complimented her scent that I first sexually aroused her.

You can be as subtle as you want. After she has earned your attention you can also directly state exactly what it is you find sexy about her. For example, say you have been on a date for three hours, you’ve had a few drinks and took a walk in a cozy park. She is sitting next to you and you tell her, “I just noticed your long legs are really sexy.”

Your entire vibe should imply that this is a man-to-woman interaction. You can both verbally and nonverbally imply you want her sexually. But ultimately if you want to become intimate with a women you need to be able to express your desire for her.

Read More: Effortless Attraction