5 Easy Ways To Fight The American Fatocalypse

Obesity is running rampant in the United States of ‘Murica. While our southern neighbors in Mexico are now statistically part of the fattest nation on Earth, we have a hell of a long way to go in order to shake our international reputation as a country full of unattractive and wobbling land whales.

This article will identify five ways that the people of the United States can be encouraged to ditch their spare tires, and I encourage them to heed as much of this advice as possible. For while it won’t exactly turn you (or society at large) into gym-fit personalities, it will spare you from the damnation of ever having to get around Wal-Mart on an electric scooter out of necessity, rather than on your own two feet.

1. Fat Shaming

Only in the United States of America is the attitude towards confronting morbid obesity so out of whack with the rest of the planet. People are actually applauded for working around their obesity problems (e.g. with “reaching brooms” or “rags on sticks”) rather than attacking the root cause of their condition. That is, getting absolutely zero physical exertion and having a horrendously unhealthy diet.

Why be motivated to actually get off your fat ass and do something about it, when 60 Minutes or some other prime time television rag might come over to your house and do some “inspirational” story about how you’re “overcoming adversity” or some other lame spiel like that?

We have to put a stop to unconditional fat acceptance. Fat shaming is an excellent way to motivate people into changing their habits for the good of their own health, appearance, mortality, and to lessen the burden on our (literally) overstretched health care system. People have very little incentive to get back into shape if society leads them to believe that all of their beauty is “on the inside.” That’s just something ugly people and Feminists say (and we all know they are both two peas in a pod).

And to all the people who think that fat shaming is akin to “bullying,” I encourage everyone to congratulate and express admiration to former fat persons and people who are making genuine strides towards waistline redemption. People who are motivated, work hard, and have the fortitude to stick with an effective exercise and diet regime deserve high praise. But until then…

2. Eat Fresh, Never Frozen

The United States of America is king of the world when it comes to effortless (lazy) meal preparation. Go into any major U.S. supermarket except for the two healthier chains (Whole Foods and Trader Joe’s) and there is aisle-after-aisle-after-aisle of frozen foodstuffs which are meant to be nuked in the microwave for a couple of minutes, and the rest is history.

But any product that wants to market itself as cheap and easy, is usually hiding something very undesirable behind all the positive advertising. Frozen foods in the United States tend to have sky-high levels of sodium if the calorie and saturated fat count is low, and high calorie and fat levels if the sodium is comparatively low.

The foodstuffs are also jam-packed with chemicals and other additives which are never to be found in the pantries of any self-respecting home cook. Unfortunately, your body just can’t win when confronted with these so-called “frankenfoods.” And yes, that includes the Lean Cuisine meals which pile on the added salt and chemicals.

Make your food fresh. Besides, nobody wants to eat scabby lasagna that came from a frozen dinner.

3. Stop The Pop (And Fries Too)

Carbonated drinks and french fries are the two most common side items at most well known American fast food chains and even at a lot of restaurants. For people who order a full meal at these establishments, they are often forced upon you with no other alternatives to choose from. And they are absolutely terrible for your health.

Sugary drinks and thin-cut french fries are nothing but nutritionally bankrupt empty calories which are jam packed with sugar and salt. Do you want a quick ticket to weight gain and a fatal premature coronary at 55? Just keep this sort of diet up, my friend.

Cut out the fries completely and always order water instead of any sort of pop. It’s the primary ingredient of life itself, and it often costs nothing to order while soda has grossly inflated prices compared to its material costs.

As for the main dish in a classic American meal, the good ol’ burger, it actually has far more nutritional value than most people would like to give it credit for. A good quality burger at In-N-Out or Smash Burger, which has a great cut of beef with plenty of fresh lettuce, tomato, onion, cheese, and irresistible seasoning and sauces, is damn good eating. It’s filling, has plenty of protein, and you’ve got the basic food groups covered in one package just short of fruit.

Just avoid any over-the-top bacon and beef burgers which completely lack any vegetable matter, like that “Baconator” monstrosity at Wendy’s. Anything similar to the “good morning burger” from an old episode of The Simpsons should also be treated in the same manner. Like a 21st century marriage, you should stay away from it.

4. Avoid Anything Distinctly “American”

This includes a variety of monstrous concoctions that just about every other country on Earth considers to either be too over-the-top, or just outright disgusting, to have on their supermarket shelves and restaurant menus. Think cheese-in-a-can (EZ cheese), the Wendy’s “Baconator” sandwich, bacon-flavored sundaes, any kind of gimmicky children’s breakfast cereal, and the classic culprit “American Cheese.”

Seriously, if what you see on a U.S. supermarket shelf has a closely-related counterpart in Europe or Australia (with the added bonus of not having HFCS and other chemical crap), that is probably a good sign. That’s because they certainly do not stock “American Cheese.”

The “American Cheese” as we know it today is fattening manufactured garbage which contains whey protein concentrate, saturated oils, emusifiers, salt, and an amount of actual cheese which can be left completely ambiguous to the consumer. Because its manufacturing process differs from unprocessed cheeses, American cheese can not be legally sold under the authentic name of “cheese” even in the US.

Finally, while Philly cheese steaks, New York or Chicago-style pizza, and “soul food” are certainly more real (and tastier) regional food items, they are no magic ticket to weight loss either. Save it for a special occasion or whenever you make a pilgrimage to those distinctive enclaves.

Blind patriotism has a penalty. As you can see, Captain ‘Murica exhibits the unfortunate results of overeating distinctly American foods such as American cheese, corn dogs, and big gulps.

5. Get Out Of The United States

This is certainly the most costly option and is not applicable to people who are tied to commitments like their careers, education, relationships, children, or property. However, it is without doubt an effective, and almost effortless, weight loss treatment in it’s own right.

Honestly, when you leave American society, your mind and emotions begin to become unclouded. Your actions and thoughts begin to correct themselves. When you don’t watch the horse manure on TV, eat the chemical-encrusted fast food, or listen to the brain dead music on the radio, slowly but surely your “hip hop” programming begins to wear off.

Your taste buds change. Even the smell of your skin. You can feel yourself getting healthy. You’re gradually losing some desired poundage even though you’re not doing any particular hard exercise. That’s what happens when you are set free from high fructose corn syrup, aspartame, and all the other industrial food poisons which just about every society on Earth (other than the United States) has figured out they are much better off without.

So just get north of the 38^th parallel, south of the Rio Grande, or somewhere over the North Pacific and North Atlantic oceans. It can be a weight loss miracle cure waiting to happen.

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