Here at Return of Kings we realize that we have a lot of female readers. On rare occasions, we offer them our world-class advice, considering that the masculine and the feminine are innately linked together. You cannot raise or lower one without doing the same to the other. Therefore, it is in our best interest for you ladies to be the best you that you can be.

Many women complain about how hard it is to get men to notice them in online dating. Having been on these sites myself, I find that women usually vomit their thoughts onto paper and hope a guy “just loves me for who I am,” as though the stars will bring them one by virtue of wanting one. But in the grown-up world, no one cares about you as an individual. All relationships are innately transactional, and you’ve got to bring something to the table beyond your charming personality (or lack thereof).

I’ve found that internet dating is like a thrift store: lots of junk that needs to be discarded, but once in a while you’ll find something you love. Ladies, you do not get to decide what men find attractive in women any more than men get to decide what women find attractive in them. Men like two things in women: 1) pretty girls 2) who are pleasant to be around. You will need to present yourself as both.

Pretty Girls

All the make-up and hair-styling will not do you any good if you are overweight. Men are not interested in “big beautiful women” who are “curvy,” even if they only have “a few extra pounds.” If you only post a headshot, we can still tell. Don’t insult us.

If this describes you, make sure you write that you exercise five times a week. Lie if you need to, because at least then you won’t look lazy and gluttonous. But really, you can find thirty minutes a day in your lonely single life to hit the treadmill. If you are not overweight, write about exercising anyway and post a full body picture. Your full body picture should vary based on what you desire: if you want a cheap hook-up, then wear a bikini or the shortest shorts money can buy from Wal-Mart.

If you want a long term relationship, however, then wear a dress. It should be something conservative and slightly formal (i.e. don’t dress like a hippie). However, one mistake I often find with these girls is that they often don’t post a clear picture of their face. I can still tell they are probably attractive, but their inattention to detail has not been lost on me, and I make a mental note to condition it out later.

Grow your hair long, and don’t wear sweatpants in any of your photos. Use makeup, but don’t use so much that it is the only thing he will notice. The way you present yourself to the world says a lot about you as a person.

Who Are Pleasant To Be Around

I realize you were told to be what you want in someone else, but they were referring to virtues like honesty and selflessness, not personality traits. “im funny sarcastic and always have a great wit” is code for “obnoxious.” Very few women are actually funny, and men don’t expect that from them anyway. This is a classic example of women thinking men want what they themselves want. Even if a woman really can make a man laugh, it doesn’t help her much. Ladies, cut learning this trait out of your life, and certainly don’t fake it. On the off chance that you naturally have it, use it sparingly. No man wants to bang the class clown.

Mention that you like cooking. Again, feel free to lie. Take a night in your lonely single life and learn to make one dish really well. After two or three times, take a picture of yourself with it. Post it on your profile but not as your main picture, since the extra pictures are supposed to be the day-to-day real you. Now not only do you have something to contribute to parties and family reunions, but you have something to impress him with on the second date. Yes, it’s sexist and patriarchal, but you have a choice: You can either be an independent, liberated woman and queen of the cats, or you can attract men on internet dating.

Above all, do not be weird. When OKCupid says “6 Things I Could Never Live Without,” do not take that literally. You would be amazed at all the girls who write “chapstick.” This absolutely baffles me. Does chapstick have some special use off the label? Does it cure the common cold? Why are your lips constantly chapped? Are you just that neurotic and obsessive compulsive? It’s like all the women in the country got together in the bathroom and decided to pull a prank on the men.

Do not mention animals in your profile. There are a variety of theories for why this is, but it is a red flag to men when a woman loves animals. If you have four diabetic cats all named after the Beatles, save that for after you’ve been on a few dates. Even if your dog is the most important thing in your life, he won’t be offended if you betray him by pretending he doesn’t exist for a few weeks.

If you are a feminist, into women’s lib, or a women’s studies major, do not mention that until the fifth date after you’ve already cooked for him and generally shown you are not crazy. There’s a strong stigma attached with those labels, and claiming them will make a man go running for more patriarchal girls. Even saying “I believe in equality for both sexes” usually translates into “men are pigs.” Unfair maybe, but such is the world of marketing.

As a final note about writing your profile, people will judge you by your grammar. You will look stupid and lazy if you don’t even capitalize the first word of a sentence. People will overlook not using “whom,” but you cannot claim that you should be valued for your personality when you’re not smarter than a fifth grader. Also, put a lot of detail in your profile. Don’t write a dissertation, but don’t merely write “if u want to know anything just ask :).”

Interacting

So you’ve placed your strategic advertisement and cast out lines. Now what? The woman in that article only picked ten men at a time. How entitled! You are on internet dating because you have failed in real life. You do not get to be picky. Cast out a line to every guy who might conceivably be what you are looking for. It does not hurt you to message back and forth with someone. For all you know, he might be as bad at crafting a profile as you were. And if you are divorced, an unwed mother, or past your 20s, then you need to greatly expand your upper age limit.

The days of courting are over. A guy will not spend a lot of money on the first date because he doesn’t know if the investment will pay off. When he takes you out to Captain D’s, dress nice anyway. Not prom nice or even church nice, but certainly better than you dress for school. Let your hair hang down and consider a dress. Basically, look like something he’d want to make love to, whether in the near future or not until after the wedding. It’s concerning how women dress like men and then complain when men aren’t attracted to them. Feminine females get masculine men.

Don’t brag about your education or work accomplishments, because we aren’t turned on by them. Seriously, we aren’t, even if we ask you about them. Your leadership skills are irrelevant unless they involve small children. Even if a man says, “I want a confident career woman,” he’s only parroting that because he was told to. Remember, you do not get to choose what men find attractive in women. There’s a golden moderation between being strong and being clingy, and it’s skewed a bit closer to the clingy side.

Finally, do not play hard to get. Again, this is women thinking men like what women like. If you like a guy, be very easy to get. This does not mean be easy to bang but just to non-verbally communicate you want to be with him. If a guy thinks you are not interested, he will likely move on to the next girl. The world is full of pretty young girls, and he will take the path of least resistance.

Conclusion

Follow this advice, and you’ll have actual success on internet dating. My goal in this article is not to convince you to give up your soft-feminist values but merely to consider how you market yourself. Presentation is key in any advertising, and the sexual economy works much the same as the financial economy. If you put effort into your physical appearance and try to have the persona a man would want to be around, then men will notice your femininity, even if unconsciously. A man does not go onto those sites to look for a dude to hang with. You will never be his bro. Be what men want, and you will finally feel wanted.

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