Mmm…that woman in the picture above sure looks like a fun time. eHarmony has an article titled “15 Reasons to Date a Single Mom.” I think there’s something unique about it compared to most articles of its kind. This isn’t written from the dogs at Jezebel who likely believe in their ideology. No, this is by a company with a financial interest in people getting together. Should you take their advice and say “I do,” or at least get an apartment together, then they’ve won. And if such advice should cause you to get divorced again, then they’ve gained another client. And if you should spend a couple years paying for their website without finding anything, then even better. It is in a dating website’s financial best interest for the product to fail.

The interesting thing about this article is that every single point is 100% false. Not just sort-of-true-maybe-if-there’s-the-right-chemistry-and-time-of-life. No, their stereotype of unwed mothers is like saying that black people listen to country music or that men find comfort through watching Eat, Pray, Love. If you hate long articles, basically eHarmony says that unwed mothers are great because they’re willing to settle for a lazy man-child. They are really playing to their clientele.

The article begins with, “That cute single mom might be the future Mrs. You.” This isn’t even one of their points; it is just the introduction, and already they are lying to you. Obviously, unwed mothers tend to be older, and a woman’s beauty begins to degrade circa 25 years old. But even if she is an 18-year-old with a prom “accident,” pregnancy does things to a woman’s body. Her stomach of course is deformed, but more than that, the constant stress of unwed mothering takes a toll on her face.

Humans aren’t designed to raise children alone, and doing the job of two people will wear you down. I remember seeing a teenage picture of my (now unwed) mother and thinking that she was my aunt because the woman in that picture was actually pretty. Furthermore, an unwed mother knows that her best bet at marrying a “good guy” is to find a reformed drug felon, meaning that the greatly limited dating market has further stressed her out. So maybe some unwed mothers are hot, but they certainly aren’t cute, if that makes sense.

1. She’s no wimp. Single moms are tough and independent.

The idea of an independent woman is a myth to begin with, and even if it’s not, unwed mothers are not independent. If they were, they wouldn’t be trying to find a man, and they wouldn’t be on government assistance. Also, you only need one tough and independent person in the relationship. Imagine the hell of two people with strong personalities and different life-philosophies trying to live as one. Ladies, unless you want a weak and needy man, it is against your best interest to be tough and independent. Also, I find it telling that they describe unwed mothers in masculine terms.

2. She’s already a great mom. (And weren’t you looking for someone who would be a great mother? Look no further!)

Notice they put the word “great” in front of “mom,” because they themselves know that those two words don’t naturally imply each other. There are some unwed mothers who put their kids first in their life, but that only means the man will always be number two. This point is at best a tautology and at worst a misapplied false assumption. There are plenty of unwed mothers who make poor life choices, hence why they’re unwed.

3. She’s incredibly patient, but doesn’t have a lot of tolerance for bad behavior. She’ll be good for you.

So patient that she decided to wait until marriage before breeding? So patient that she stuck it out in a difficult marriage? So patient that she actually does “have a lot of tolerance for bad behavior”? Because I want to be a little bad, at least by a woman’s standards. I like smoking, going to bars, and watching South Park. Why should I compromise my life for your kid?

4. She doesn’t play games. She doesn’t have time to just fool around. She takes her relationships seriously.

I could pretty much type verbatim what I wrote for point three.

5. She’ll only keep you around if the relationship is a good thing for both her and her kids. You won’t have to guess if she’s into you.

I like the if-statement here. Glad to know she likes me for my natural charisma. And it’s true for most girls that “you won’t have to guess if she’s into you.” If a girl replies to all your texts immediately, does anything to accommodate you, and has been dating you for several months, then she’s into you. Really, the best way to tell if a girl likes you, whether you’re dating her or not, is to make a joke about the two of you getting engaged and see if she plays along.

6. Single moms are easy to pamper. (They don’t get breaks very often. Hint, hint.)

Okay, I’m not quite sure what this one means. I think I’ve got a guess though. This means that she’s easy to satisfy. Like, you don’t have to put out a lot of effort? This one might actually be true, at least for some of them. If an unwed mother understands the huge disaster she’s made of her life, she’ll take what she can get. The operative words there are “if” and “understand,” and since society wants unwed mothers to believe that they can do no wrong, she probably won’t ever have this epiphany. So I still stand by my claim of the article’s complete falsity.

7. She’s loyal — and is fiercely protective of her little brood.

And will she be more loyal to me than to the little bastard? If she is so loyal, why is she unwed? Oh right, right, because all divorces happen because the husband beat his wife, got in his truck, and moved to Wyoming. My bad.

8. She can articulate what she wants and needs from a relationship.

I highly doubt she’ll say, “What I really want is a man whom I don’t completely hate and who has a high-enough-paying job to sustain a normal life. He should also be the same race as the father so that people don’t think I’m a tart.” Kids, despite what you’ve been told all your life, you need more than chemistry—whatever that means—to make a relationship work.

9. Single moms are both practical and fun. There’s no room for diva behavior.

Aren’t practical and fun mutually exclusive terms? Like, you can be both, but not at the same time. Fine dining is fun, but eating Swanson frozen dinners is practical Also, why are unwed moms by default fun? I get the practical part at least in theory, but why would a grass widow be fun? Oh, because she’s easy. A woman’s body is priceless in the sense that banging is free. Why do poor people breed so much? Because they can’t afford cable. So never mind. This list is only 93% false.

10. She’s no longer a party girl, but a fun night out is still very welcome.

I think an “lol” would be in order if I were that kind of man. eHarmony has admitted that unwed mothers used to be party girls (i.e. whores) and still miss that lifestyle. I know this is controversial here on ROK, but point ten is also false. My mother went to the wedding bed a virgin, and when my father left her, she decided to never date again. My mother is anything but a party girl, and she’s certainly not fun in any sense of the word. Although this is a small minority case study, it still is the exception to eHarmony’s assumption. Point ten still stands (as being completely false).

11. She’s selfless. Single moms put others’ needs before their own.

Selfless people are rarely divorced. Also, completely selfless people don’t exist. But even if they do, and even if someone who has consistently made bad life choices is one of them, which “others” is eHarmony speaking about? Will her bastard get more priority than her fancy new husband? The competition is supposed to end at the altar, hence the whole concept of life-commitment.

12. Moms make the best lasagna and give the best back rubs.

If by “make” you mean put Stouffer’s in the oven. And no, Chianti’s on 4th street makes the best lasagna, and Chardonnay at Dick’s Leisure Club gives the best back rubs. As an aside point, isn’t this rather anti-feminist? Is eHarmony telling me that real women are good in the kitchen? Of course eHarmony is. A dating website is trying to make money, and they’ll push whatever ideology necessary. They’re not idiots.

13. You’ll get to take part in adventures to amusement parks, the zoo and the park. Bonus: You’ll have an excuse to play with toys.

First off, amusement parks suck, but even if they didn’t, plenty of adults go without children. Second, only retards like the zoo. And finally, going to the park is not an adventure or anything that could be confused as fun. As for playing with toys, I’ll admit that this might be fun for some males, but I try to move forward with my life and engage in adult pursuits. I find it a little insulting that eHarmony thinks I’d like to play with a Barbie doll or watch Star Wars. Yes, I just said that.

14. She’s adaptable. She knows that life doesn’t always go as planned and has learned how to make the best of it.

To quote the great western philosopher Jagger, “Cash your dreams before they slip away.” You’ve got to get the best you can, and that heroin-addict-turned-pastor is looking pretty hot right now. Maybe they can get matching neck tattoos. Damn it, that puts the list at only 86% false. Looking pretty credible.

15. Single moms can do it all, but are super-appreciative of a helping hand. Woo her with kindness and acts of service.

They can “do it all” except hold onto a man, apparently. And while a woman might appreciate favors from you, nothing makes her nether regions dry up like a habitually servile man.

These idiots who harp on men to marry unwed mothers never tell the one thing that would most convince us to buy their product: What does an unwed mother offer you that a childless woman (or perhaps a wed mother) can’t? This is a basic principle of marketing. What benefit does your product have that none of the others do? Well, she’s cheap, at least until you marry her. Maybe children are fun, but most co-eds can shit out a couple kids just as easily. Perhaps these websites should say, “Do you want kids but hate babies? Then marry an unwed mother!”

The eHarmony article ends with “Why else should one date a single mom?” Leftists accuse ROK of hating marginalized women, and so in the interest of human goodwill, I’d like to ask my readers the same question. Let’s help the ladies out. In addition to avoiding an infant screaming in the dead of night, why else should a man date an unwed mother? I want to be convinced.

Read More: Is Return Of Kings Really The Most Repugnant Website On The Internet?