Reading the letter of Thomas Ball, written shortly before his public suicide, a man may be inclined to think it would be better to be a woman, even if just a little. Women get so much: special homeless shelters, an act against violence with a government office, greater funding in food stamps, near-unilateral protection by child services, the license to take a child of the opposite sex to go potty when working in childcare, social acceptance to spend their lives outside the workforce, a broader variety of fashion, media attention after false rape accusations, wider choice on whom they can have sex with, the ability to avoid a traffic ticket by crying, et cetera.

Such talk of female privilege is not merely limited to the internet. In the secret alcoves all over the nation, men whisper to each other about the oppression, afraid that they might be ostracized should anyone hear them. You know the old joke:

Q: “How does every sexist joke start?”

A: “By looking to see if there are any other people in the room.”

The dogma of the day is in conflict with what the majority of what both men and women believe, yet still the masses are kept down by Big Radical Feminist. Whatever shall we men do? Powerless, shall we pine to be on the other side? Like Louis Armstrong singing about being “white on the inside,” shall we wish we were women, or at the least envy them?

The Mystique Of The Feminine Mind

Abso-fucking-lutely not. Why would anyone envy women? Sure, I’ve always wanted to be a lesbian, if only for a few years, but that’s comparatively insignificant. The drawbacks are far heavier the benefits. The most obvious drawback is the body. There’s a reason that men don’t squawk about how independent they are. Women are tiny. Almost any woman could be raped and killed by almost any man regardless of all the self-defense classes and jazzercise she does. Let’s not kid ourselves. Women live in a constant state of fear, which is why they keep screaming about being strong and empowered. A truly strong and empowered person has no need to convince himself of it.

But the body is not the main reason I wouldn’t want to be a woman. By far the most terrible thing about being a woman is having a woman’s mind. Sure, they have better time-management skills, but that just means they’re wired for service. Women suck complete shit at objective reasoning. Why did you hate high school English? Because a woman taught it, and she told you that a poem can mean whatever you want it to. They couldn’t expect you to do something they could never figure out themselves.

I’m in law school right now. Unsurprisingly, I couldn’t find any data for what fields of law women tend to study, but from what I’ve seen, they are almost always either “fun” fields like child advocacy, sports, or entertainment, or “clean” fields like tax law or prosecution. Women don’t study divorce, custody, criminal defense, or anything that is morally vague or subject to interpretation. They make better grades, but that just means that they are wired for studying for tests. It is said that there are twice as many law jobs as there are new law graduates, but that’s because people specialize in bullshit fields that are flooded by cowards. If you study law, you will either learn moral flexibility or die in poverty.

Also unsurprisingly, the kind of men and women who go to law school aren’t the type of people who read Return of Kings. I realize that doesn’t have anything to do with the female mind, but this seems as good as any place to make that observation. Law school attracts the absolute worst in humanity. Weak, cowardly men and cutthroat, entitled women.

Moving on. Have you been looking for that girlfriend who just gets you? The kind you can talk about anything to? You’re on that first date, and as it both turns out, she loves Siouxsie and the Banshees, just like you! What luck! You excitedly being to talk about what their influences were, how they shaped their sound, what was the band’s effect on later music, and what the critical points in the band’s history were. At best she’s unresponsive, and at worst she loses all interest in you.

Women are terrible at historical criticism, philosophy, or anything that involves value judgments, and they generally seem uninterested in it unless it directly affects them. This is because a woman will always argue the person, not the issue. There’s a reason St Paul said that women should never teach or speak in church. Women just aren’t equipped to perform with men when it comes to deep thinking, and that is why all the women’s liberation in the world will never enable them to accomplish much worth remembering. For example, rock music has always been pretty liberal, and there have been exactly two well-known and talented instrumentalists in all of its history: Nancy Wilson of Heart and Kim Deal of The Pixies. Imagine all of the money record companies could have made had they been able to find a talented female rock band.

Being Fair In Our Judgments

At this point, many people will say I hate women or think they are evil, but that is…to use your word…ignorant. To tell a woman not to be manipulative, self-serving, or finicky is to tell a hawk not to devour a mouse. It is in a woman’s nature to act like a woman, and so it is unjust for us men to judge them for being so. To hold women to the same standard as men is the greatest discrimination.

Does this mean that women are inferior? In most ways, yes. Fortunately, men are hard-wired for sex, so we have a reason to talk to them. Remember your childhood. Before you hit puberty, you absolutely discarded girls. To be a girl was the worst thing in your eyes, and to be friends with a girl was to be sick in the head. The only females you considered to have human value were the adults who provided for you. If a little boy is ever friends with a little girl, it’s always because he has a crush on her (I’ll never forget you, Jennifer Dolphin. Please get a Facebook.).

Some people will say that I’ll never get laid with such a view of women, but most people who would accuse me of that either never get laid themselves or are women. It’s been proven again and again that women love assholes. If they didn’t, then men would never mistreat women. The reality is that women have no value to men beyond sex, children, and housework.

Feminists have been screeching for years about how men and women shouldn’t need each other, but they’ve never given any reasons for why we should want each other. I have far more in common with my male friends than I have with any woman. If a woman isn’t screwing me or somehow related to me familially, I have no reason to talk to her beyond, “Did you get those TPS reports?” Sex appeal is the greatest weapon women have in their arsenal, and they’d be wise to invest it for the long-term instead of the short-term while they are young.

Taming The Shrew

Women, of course, will never understand their inferiority any more than a child can understand his. You cannot argue with a child. Instead, you must discipline to build good behavior, and in time, that good behavior will turn into a worldview. The same is true with women. Women are inherently terrible people, and you can’t correct their bad behavior with words alone. No, you must tame the shrew using positive and negative reinforcement.

Religion is best for the job, but in today’s pluralistic marketplace, that’s often not an option. Furthermore, society has decided it’s best for women to continue acting like children, ever focused on their wants instead of their shoulds. But with a subtle reward and punishment system, you can turn the any promiscuous harpy into a submissive virgin bride. Perhaps I am a fool, but I like to believe the best in people.

You cannot tell the hawk not to devour the mouse any more than you can verbally teach a woman right from wrong. You can hate the effects of women, but you cannot call women evil. Every strong, empowered woman at heart is a scared little child lost in the woods. She’ll never admit it to herself, but every woman has a Disney fantasy about some strong man taking her away and becoming her identity. Those movies made a fuckload of money for a reason. Be her identity.

The Glass Ceiling Within

So a man should never envy women. Women have advantages in society, but they are trapped with themselves. If a man wants to avoid his wife for a few hours, he can go to the golf course, but the wife will never be able to escape herself. There is no shelter from her own idiocy except in the guidance of a man, whether that man is her husband, her father, or her brother.

To have ignorance of your own insufficiency is the worst prison. A woman is like a drunk man who claims that he is merely buzzing. He thinks he is orderly, but all those around him laugh at his antics, and he grows angry. They take away his car keys and cell phone, and he thinks they are oppressing him. This is the natural state of the woman, and without the tempering force of patriarchy, there is nothing to prevent her from destroying her life and the lives of those around her. Why would you envy that?

Read More: All Women Are Sheep