While I don’t discriminate against any particular women, I still like to go back to my roots and date Russian (and other ex-Soviet Union) women every now and then.

One-night stands are a blast, but the real fun begins when you get yourself a nice Russian/Eastern European girlfriend for a mini-relationship.  I’ve had my share of those and can tell you that the dynamics are exactly the opposite to what you’ll find in feminist countries where women have been brainwashed into thinking they’re the same as men.

Things finally return to normality, a dark and long-forgotten place where men are men, women are women, and children are scared.

What She Does For Me

1. Cooking

She begins cooking as soon as she comes home from work.  Dishes range from basic (potato, soups) to the complex.  While she’s cooking I make myself useful by sitting in the living room mindlessly browsing the Internet or doing similarly important stuff.  She’s the queen of the kitchen, and I don’t dare to interfere. 

2. Laundry

My laundry is done every week like clockwork.  Once it’s done, the clothes are duly hanged to dry and then neatly folded and put back in my drawer.  While she’s hanging the clothes to dry or folding them afterwards, you’ll usually find me helping by sitting in the living room watching random YouTube videos or chatting with my friends.

3. Cleaning

The house is duly cleaned once a week.  While she’s cleaning the floor, I make myself useful by pulling my feet up while she cleans the floor underneath.  Then I resume my normal activities of browsing the Internet or reading some tech blogs.

4. Sex On Demand

I get sex anytime I want with no exceptions.  She’s tired after work – we bang.  She has a headache – we bang.  She is on her period – we bang.  Her pussy is sore – we bang.  I also get a blowjob so that my member is properly lubed for the raw dogging that follows.

5. Loyalty

Eastern European women greatly value relationships over one-night stands with random guys.  As long as she’s in a committed (at least from her point of view) relationship all other guys are out of the picture.  When the relationship starts to deteriorate that’s when she’ll start considering other guys, including her male “friends” who have been emailing her from time to time to “check in” and liking her silly posts on Facebook.

What I Do For Her

1. Be A Man

I’m tasked with fixing shit around the house, solving problems and making all decisions more complex than … – never mind, I’m tasked with making all decisions.  I also have to provide emotional support if she’s tired or had a bad day.  If you need further clarification about this whole “be a man” concept, watch a couple of Russian movies (I recommend WWII) or go live in Moscow for a month.

2. Bang

If I’m free and haven’t emptied my sperm reserves in a while, I give her a good and thorough pummeling — the harder the better. If, while her pussy is being demolished, her eyes roll to the back of her head, then I’m doing it right.  Mediocre sex is not acceptable.  I also give her a good pounding if she’s moody and bugging me.  Things quickly return to normal and everyone is happy.  The health of the relationship is a complex function of quantity of sex multiplied by quality of sex of squared.  Give her earth-shattering orgasms and she’ll be your slave for life.

So unless you’ve had a Russian/EE girlfriend, you simply haven’t lived.  Her job is to make sure her man is well fed, well rested, and always has a warm hole to empty his sperm reserves.  And these skills she learned from the school of life, a mystical place where reality based on biology always trumps any “reality” portrayed on that last episode of Sex And The City.

Read Next: What Guys Are Saying About Getting Laid In Ukraine