I’m a boob guy. I love me some titties—always have and always will. Given that I also really like Asian women, I’ve had some pretty depressing times, as you can imagine. Asian flat-chestedness keeps bringing me back to white women time and time again. God damn you white women—I can’t quit you. However, there have been a few occasions where both Asian and white women have severely punished me for my love of the jugs. I remember this one girl in particular from a few years ago…

She was just my type—only about 5’2 and 105 lbs—and had the most incredible set of “DD” tits that I have ever seen. The contrast between her huge rack and slim waist was completely boner-inducing. I was determined to get this chick and would do whatever it took to get her in bed. There’s just something about petite women with big racks that I like. I have no explanation for it.

So, I get this girl to go out with me and it turns out she was pretty conservative. I think she had only fucked about 11 guys by the time I got to her (she was in her mid 20’s). We had a great first date that ended with some messing around, but she kept stopping me whenever I tried to gain access to her titties. She was playing goalie with her bra strap and I was trying to pull some David Beckham shit to get around her impenetrable defense. I assume it’s because we were sitting in her car in a busy parking lot that she became a little shy. I got a few good gropes from underneath her shirt, but alas, no real action. Ultimately, she declined the offer to come to my place and finish off the night because she had to work early the next day (she was taking the “I don’t want you to think I’m a slut” thing seriously).

Undeterred, I stepped up the sexual innuendo in texting and continued the pursuit. I invited her over to my place for a movie night and she accepts. All goes well, I’m my usual charming self and she’s eating it up. She’s feeling a lot more relaxed than she was the first night and I’m closing in on the sex that I’ve been looking forward to so much.

Things started to get heated. I picked her up by her petite ass and she wrapped her legs around me as I carried her off to the bedroom. I fell backwards onto my bed while carrying her so she would end up on top. Now that I had her on top of me, I continued kissing her passionately and then aggressively took off her shirt. I got my first look at those titties in the bra—a somewhat grandma-ish looking bra, but really busty girls tend to have less selection when it comes to the more stylish types. I thought nothing of it and pressed forward. They still looked quite inviting and I wasn’t going to let a bra slow me down. I was rock hard at this point and was going in for the kill.

Next, I reached around her back and unclipped her bra. Something odd happened after I unclipped the bra, though. It was sort of like a dam collapsing due to extreme water pressure from a raging river. I noticed that her tits weren’t looking so good now that the bra strap wasn’t holding everything together. Nevertheless, I proceeded and got her bra completely off. Finally, I was going to reap the benefits of my hard work. With her bra now off, I got my first good look at the titties I’ve been desiring so much…

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She had what I unaffectionately call “forward-mounted armpit titties”—with stretch marks…

God dammit, I was so disappointed. It was like opening a Christmas present expecting a new Rolex and getting a lukewarm sack of reindeer shit instead.

I went ahead and fucked her anyway. But man… that shit was such a bummer. I tried not to touch them because they were so weird looking, but due to their size and awkwardness, they would bump into me all of the time. Not to mention, quickly after the bra came off, she squeezed them together and buried them in my face—I felt like I was being waterboarded. Things started off with her on top and her titties were wildly flopping around like a salmon caught in the mouth of a hungry grizzly bear. I closed my eyes and pretended to be really enjoying myself, but I could feel her damn nipples—which were roughly the size of of dice—grazing my chest as she was riding me. Distraught by this, I flipped her onto her back and went at it missionary for a bit, but her titties were sliding to the sides of her body and were now up against each of my arms. With each thrust I gave, her titties would collide with my arms, which were performing the integral task of supporting the rest of my upper body. My resolve was weakening at this point, so I flipped her over and finished off this fucking circus act with doggy style—finally achieving an out of sight, out of mind situation.

At this point, you’re probably wondering what forward-mounted armpit titties are. Forward-mounted armpit titties (FMATs for short) are elongated saggy titties with nipples that point due south. What happens is, what were once normal titties, make the unfortunate transition into a pair of useless, unusable arms mounted to the front of a woman’s chest. They become so droopy, that I speculate when a woman has them and goes without a bra for an extended period of time, she must lift the titties up and apply a generous layer of underarm deodorant onto what is known as the titty-pit crevice fold. This is to prevent copious amounts of sweat and body odor.

For the purposes of this article, I looked this girl up on social media to see what she looks like nowadays. She’s gained quite a bit of weight, and also gained herself a fiancé. The guy looks happy, which is quite perplexing to me. I can just imagine all of his buddies giving him high-fives because he’s marrying a chick with such big knockers. “Man, dude, she’s got a great rack! Lucky bastard!” Ha! If they only fucking knew. Just wait until she pops out a kid in the next couple years. I could be Stevie Wonder lost in the woods on a moonless night and still see how terrifying those things are going to be after kids come into the picture.

After this incident, and haunted by other events similar to this one, I’ve started to become more cognizant of what a woman’s chest looks like when clothed. I’ve developed a pretty good eye when it comes to recognizing oddball titties and have cut my Unfortunate Titty Encounter (UTE) rate down by about 65 percent when using my present system. The approximate 35 percent failure rate I still suffer from is mostly due to optimism. I will often think to myself, “They’re probably really nice in reality, just give it a chance”—I’m a fucking fool.

Anyway, the rest of this article will focus on the different types of weird titties you may be exposed to, and how to recognize them before you find yourself caught in a booby trap like in the above situation.

Spotting The Dreaded Forward-Mounted Armpit Titties

fmats

FMAT’s are most common on women that have kids, have lost a bunch of weight, or just have bad titty genetics. I’m guessing the girl in the previously mentioned story just had bad genetics, or they developed very fast when she was in her teens. I don’t believe she had any sort of massive weight loss in her past. I’ve sort of developed the habit of not listening to women when they talk to me, so maybe I missed something. Age is certainly a factor as well, but I don’t fuck old women so we won’t be discussing them. If a woman is over 30, just assume her tits are terrible.

The above story took place in the winter months, so I never had a good shot of cleavage—only sweaters and turtlenecks—but the signs were still there. A key sign of FMAT’s is when a woman’s bra straps dig into her skin—especially on her back. You can see this when a busty girl wears a tight shirt. Her bra is working overtime to keep that sloppy mess all held together. Signs of stretch marks when cleavage is exposed is a damn good sign too. FMAT’s also tend to just “sit lower” when in a bra.

Observe the following four women:

FMAT1

Girl number one is just another one of the millions of classy young ladies we have in this great country. She has an Unfortunate Titty Encounter ratio of 4/10. They do not appear to be fake, and they fill the bra quite well. They will definitely droop a bit once unveiled, but it should be an overall pleasant experience. The problem is you would have to listen to her talk in order to get to them. No fucking thank you.

FMAT2

Number two has an overall classy appearance in this photo, but judging by her tits you’re running about UTE ratio of 5/10. It can go either way with her. They appear to sit quite low and her titties seems to fill the bra, as opposed to the bra supporting the titties.

FMAT3

Number three has a UTE ratio of 7/10. Her body is a little strange-looking overall, but more than anything else, there appears to be significant titty separation. You’re running a fairly high risk with this one. Once the bra is unsnapped, her titties will most likely dump off to the sides.

FMAT4

Number four… Jesus Christ, lady. Her titties are much like the arms of a Tyrannosaurus Rex: fucked up looking, serve no purpose, and attached to a very large carnivore. These are the kind of titties that will make dogs growl, babies cry, and die-hard Christians question their faith in God . She’s obviously an old bat and—due to the fact that she somehow thought it was a good idea to wear that shit—most likely an alcoholic with a penchant for prescription drug abuse. The only reason I put this trashy broad on here is so you can see exactly what number one will look like in 20 years.

Another very strong warning sign is excessive jiggling. All natural titties jiggle, but some more than others.

There’s a normal amount of jiggle:

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Then there’s FMAT jiggle:

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Pay close attention to these signs, and your UTE risk will be greatly diminished with regards to FMAT’s.

Party Hat Titties

party time

Party hat titties, as you can see from the above picture, are cone-shaped titties. These can be hit or miss. Truthfully, some can actually be pretty nice, but I’ve noticed that size plays a big part in how good they can look. Generally the smaller, the better. “B” cups seem to be the sweet spot with party hat titties. If they’re on the larger side of a “C” cup, they can have really big areolas. This coupled with their pointy shape makes for some weird-ass looking titties.

Looking at the above pictures, the Asian girl is a 70/30 split—70 percent they will be nice, and 30 percent they will fall to the sides and poke one of your eyes out once her bra is off. I would definitely go for it since they appear to be a small “B” cup, and she’s otherwise attractive.

UTE risk is fairly low at 3/10.The white girl has a 60/40 split in the opposite direction. Given that we’re looking at, what is in my estimation, a “C” cup. The chances for droopy party hat titties are a bit on the high side. And while she isn’t fat, she is a bit husky (judging by the waistline). She has the average American girl body (going by a realistic—not obese—definition of average). This was the only picture I could find of her, so it’s hard to gauge one way or the other for sure. Based on this one pic though, I would probably wouldn’t take the chance. With a UTE risk ratio of 6/10, it’s getting a bit risky.

Tubular breasts would fall under this category as well. Google pics of those when you’re not eating. All tubular breasts are 10/10 on the UTE scale.

Tupperware Titties

Tupperware

I’m not a fan of fake tits at all. I thought I was, they look okay, but my opinion changed after the first time I got my hands on a pair. Women’s personalities are phony enough as it is, I don’t want to play with phony body parts too. Not to mention, women that have fake tits are usually complete trash, fucked in the head, and dreadfully insecure.

If you’re in a relationship with a woman under 35 years old and she gets Tupperware titties—she will be dumping you or cheating on you within six months. She doesn’t care that you like her the way she is now, because she doesn’t “feel” comfortable with her body and she’s not “happy.” What she’s really trying to say is, “Not enough guys are giving me attention or trying to fuck me.” Once she gets her bolt-ons, and the thirsty hordes of dudes start giving her more attention… God fucking help you, son. I hope you didn’t pay for them either because some other guy is going to be motorboatin’ all over your money.

If a woman is single and gets Tupperware titties, you can take her sexual partner count from the two years prior to getting implants, and multiply it by six to find out how many guys she will fuck in the two years after she has them. So, if a woman has only slept with three guys in the two years before getting implants, that number will be a minimum of 18 in the two years after. Her small or misshapen titties are the only thing that’s holding her back from being the slut she’s always wanted to be. Once that is rectified, gasoline won’t get pumped as much as her vagina will.

FTCCG

Spotting Tupperware titties isn’t terribly difficult. Lack of mobility is the number one sign that they’re fake. Normal titties jiggle, fake titties don’t. If cleavage is showing, take a good look at the right hand titty at approximately the 1:00 o’clock position. If it looks full, perfectly round, or somewhat hardened—then you know that they’re fake. See the four women below.

FAKE1

Not only does super slut number one look like she would steal your American Express card while you are sleeping, she also has Tupperware titties. By observing the fullness and rock hard look shown at the 1:00 o’clock position, it becomes perfectly clear that she has had some ‘work done’. It also appears that her plastic surgeon accidentally installed a worm on the left titty.

FAKE2

Number two is the same. Perfectly round with no separation and a hardened look.

REAL3

Number three’s are real. The bikini strap is wrapped around her neck as opposed to over her shoulders. This is giving her titties an almost fake look due to the amount of support they are receiving.

REAL4

Number four the whore has real tits as well. Looking at the 1:00 o’clock position, the area seems somewhat collapsed. This is a clear indicator of natural boobs. She looks like she would suck a mean dick too.

Another sign a woman has Tupperware titties is that she will ask you if you want to see them. Whores, especially of the attention variety, are more than happy to show off their fake tits to anyone that will look. This includes showing them to both men and women.

In Closing

I should probably feel bad for writing this article, but I don’t. Women tend to be outspoken and quite harsh about making fun of things men can’t control. Things such as height, baldness, hard times with employment, and—as the occasional female commenter here on ROK reminds us—small dicks. I tend to take the high road on these matters, personally. Making fun of women for things out of their control is, well, a womanly thing to do. We’re given what we’re given, and we have to do our best to maximize our potential with what we have.

However, sometimes you just gotta say “screw the high road” and tell it like it is. Men like weird titties about as much as women like balding part-time minimum wage bag boys at the grocery store. The difference is that bag boys wear uniforms and can clearly be seen doing what they do. Spotting bad boobs is an art form, and it’s an art form that all men should know how to do well.

Read More: This Weird Metaphor Brainwashes Men Into Becoming White Knights With Low Standards