What is the main thing that stops most men from going out, meeting a cute girl and taking her home on the same night for sex?
Let me give you a few clues:
- It’s not that they’re not good-looking good-looking enough
- It’s not that they don’t have enough money
- It’s not that they’re not jacked
- It’s not that they’re not funny enough
The main thing that stops men from getting laid with greater ease and efficiency is themselves. Yes, you read right. Guys who are otherwise eminently attractive to women and who should be pulling all the time trip themselves up in the field constantly. How?
They let their egos get in the way.
I want to let you in on a secret that has been the cornerstone of my game for nearly a decade. If you were to apply this perfectly (and trust me, no one can) then I guarantee you would see you results with women increase exponentially:
The more you kill your ego, the more sex you will get.
Sounds pretty simply on the surface, right? But actually it needs a little unpacking. After all, aren’t we always told that self-improvement is the key to game? That getting your style sorted and your finances in good shape, and getting jacked at the gym and developing high self-esteem and being “high value” are all an essential part of being attractive to women? And that arrogance and other so-called “dark triad” traits are key to stimulating vaginal tingles in young ladies?
Yep. all true. Therefore, to be truly successful with women you need to cultivate a duel operating system of high self esteem and rock-bottom ego.
There’s a Difference Between Self-Esteem and Ego
Self-esteem is about acknowledging and being proud of your accomplishments as a man, and of the accomplishments you are working hard to achieve. Ego, on the other hand, is that kind of hollow, baseless pride that people puff themselves up with—think, for example of a hot girl who dropped out of college but who has 100k Instagram followers. The first is healthy. The second will get you into trouble.
Your Ego is Killing Your Chances of Sex
What do I mean by this? Let me give you an example. Say you’re walking down the street, and a beautiful, tall, slender girl with long, luscious hair and a short skirt comes towards you. She is sexy as hell, exactly your type. What do you do?
If you are a newbie, then you probably do nothing—after all, she’s hot as hell so you’re afraid to approach for fear that if she rejects you, you’ll be crushed.
If you are an experienced guy with a number of high-quality notches under your belt then you may also do nothing. Why? because you’re afraid that if you approach and she knocks you back, your status as a ‘player’ will be compromised—in your own head at least.
In this way, inexperienced and experienced guys both lose out. New guys don’t have sufficient experiences of success to arm them with the confidence to act. They feel—understandably—that if they approach a woman she is likely to to react badly, and that it will hurt. In practice they might well be right—but really, what do they have to lose?
At root, their real reason for not approaching is protecting their egos. After all, it’s far, far, easier to make excuses, not do something and then fantasize about how you could have succeeded than to put yourself on the damn line and risk failure.
It’s almost worse in the case of experienced guys. If you’re new around this may be hard to grasp, but stick with me. Men who have learned game, particularly those who are involved with the manosphere or PUA communities in some way—perhaps through commenting on forums or websites such as this, or writing blogs or even books on pick-up—tend to become strongly personally invested in the idea of being what used to be called MPUAs—master pick-up artists. Think about it for a second. If your whole schtick, your whole swagger, is based on the belief that you are “good with girls,” then in time you will do anything you can to maintain that belief, because if you fail to then you will inevitably have to rethink your whole persona.
In both cases, the bottom line is that men are sabotaging themselves. Why? Because the more women you approach, the more likely you are to wind up having sex. I’m not saying it’s entirely a numbers game—there are things you can do to improve the quality of your approaches—but in the end, you have to rack up the numbers. There are no short cuts. That’s why the truly successful man approaches all the time.
Kill James Bond
Look, all of us need to do one thing right now: extinguish for good the fantasy of the smooth player that exists in our minds smirking at our fumbled approaches, our poor eye contact, those awkward conversations that we occur while we are tired and out of state. Because the truth is that shit happens to everyone.
One of the difficulties with learning game is that i those who teach it to us don’t talk very frequently about rejection, or if they do, it is as a postscript to far longer tales of one-night stands and threesomes pulled straight out of the club. Hell, I’m as guilty of this as anyone else. Successful pulls—the more impressive the better—are the meat and drink of internet forums and YouTube pick-up videos.
Understand this though: no one is successful on every approach. Not Krauser, not Tyler Durden, not the London Daygame guys, nor anyone else you’d care to mention. The reason that guys like these are more consistently successful than average is this: they all have a system that compliments their personality, and they all approach a hell of a lot of women.
Forget perfectly executed picks-ups, forget witty, note-perfect conversations, forget seamless escalations. Forget all of that stuff you read on the internet and are scared to emulate in case you fall short. Understand this: pick up is messy and unpredictable for one simple reason—it is interacting with random strangers who you know nothing about. To say nothing of the myriad variables created by your own constantly changing state. It’s like this for everybody: no one is perfect, so kill the specter of James Bond that sits on your shoulder and judges you every time you speak to a girl right now.
Lower the Damn Bar
Whether experienced or not, guys need to go easier on themselves. Realize this: in the end, game is simply initiating contact and then pushing forward through a predetermined sequence to sex—escalating, in other words.
Leaving escalation to one side—that’s for another article—let’s concentrate on the first stage. Your job as a man is simply to initiate contact with the woman. Ideally, to be successful, you need to do this with as many women as possible. There’s a dirty secret in pick-up: the men who get the most sex are also the men who are rejected the most. But rejection isn’t a catastrophe. In fact, if you are opening women all the time, every day, then in time you will barely notice it. Remember, all you need do is initiate contact. This could be as straightforward as simply saying hello in a coffee shop. Wait, see how she reacts. If she blanks you, then fine – move on. Nothing lost and there are thousands of other chicks out there. If she is warm and friendly then great—chat with her and try to escalate, either by taking her on an instant date or by getting her number and then gaming her via text for a subsequent meeting.
It really is that simple. Never feel like you have to do anything flashy to get women: believe me, you don’t. If you put yourself in enough social situations then you will see in time that you can succeed even with the lamest “game.”
Six Practical Steps for Killing James Bond and Approaching More Girls
1. Have a very clear idea of what is fantastic about you.
Wherever you are in your life, there will be things about you that are amazing. You need to remind yourself of them on a daily basis. For example, perhaps you run 10k every day. Perhaps you work for an hour on your online business every morning. Perhaps you meditate or designate a certain amount of time for challenging reading. Perhaps you are losing weight and shifting a couple of pounds a week. Write down a list of great things about you, pin them up somewhere where you can see them and read them out loud every morning before you go out. Begin each one with “I am fantastic because… ”
2. Put a smile on your face
It’s an old self-help trick, but trust me, it works damn well. However you are feeling, when you step out the house fix a big smile on your face. Do it so your cheeks hurt. For the first few minutes it will feel odd, but after a while you’ll feel yourself relaxing into it, and the smile will become genuine. Also, you will notice people around you responding more positively to you, and as you feel more positive in turn, those who don’t won’t phase you.
3. Approach all the time
Guys, girls, old or young—it doesn’t matter. Talk to everyone! Have mini-conversations with shopkeepers, people on the street, cops, cleaners, whoever. Become that guy who is social with all. Not only will this get you warmed up and used to social interactions, it will also mean that when you come to talk to a hot girl it won’t be such a big deal. Your sense of abundance will grow exponentially when you realise just how many friendly people there are out there. Some of the most successful guys I know do this every day—you should too.
4. Turn the Dial Down on Your Expectations
When you approach a cute woman, don’t expect too much. You have reframed. You are no longer a super-cool, master PUA. You are not James Bond. You are simply a social guy who loves to talk to people. If she’s not down for that then fine—there’ll be another one waiting for you just around the corner. If she is, then great. Try to escalate and see where it goes. Just don’t feel you need to live up to a self-imposed standard that has no basis in reality.
5. Congratulate Yourself on Small Achievements
Say you go up to the hottest girl in the nightclub and say hi, and she tells you to fuck off. Great! Congratulate yourself — you have just done something that the vast majority of other men would never, ever have the balls to do. OK, so it went badly. Perhaps there is something you can learn, some adjustments that can be made to your approach. But overall, you must think well of yourself as you are taking action and working towards a goal. Smile, pat yourself on the back and move on to the next girl.
6. Realize You Have Nothing to Lose by Approaching
In the vast majority of cases, an interaction that isn’t going to go anywhere is over very quickly—perhaps you approach a girl and she tells you she has a boyfriend, or that she’s not interested. Fine. Now you can move on. You have lost nothing except for a few seconds of your time.
But realise that the opportunity cost of not approaching can be huge. I have approached girls who haven’t so much as looked at me, let alone given me positive signals, and ended up having sex or relationships with them. So next time you’re out and you’re afraid to approach for fear of denting your ego, remember, you simply never know what’s going to happen when you walk up—and believe me when I tell you that the rewards can be great.
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