A recent experience last week and a thread over at the forum prompted this article.
In most aspects of life, the rules you set in the beginning of the interaction or relationship end up becoming the rules for the duration of it. If you are a boss and allow your employees to constantly come in late, guess what they will think that behavior is acceptable and it will be harder to retrain them later on. On the other hand, should you admonish them on their first late appearance, they are put on notice that this behavior is unacceptable. At that point they can choose to abide by your rules (maintain employment) or not (quit).
Of utmost importance is that you must hold your ground. To threaten and not follow through is a sign of weakness.
Women are no different. How you set the tone of the relationship is how it will likely proceed from then on. Note however this is not some trick for you to get what you want, but rather a mentality and a frame you should keep. Moreover, you have to be prepared for losing the girl. But here is the great part…in losing the girl you will be better off because you are not compromising on something that you do not want and do not enjoy. A few examples:
The Ukrainian Gamble
Last year I was living in Kiev and I met a rather attractive girl at some bar and went out with her a few times that week with no bang. My buddy and I were soon coming to the end of our time in Kiev. Our next destination was Odessa and we were in a gambling mood, so we thought we would tell this girl and one of her friends to come with us for a few days of partying and hopefully banging.
Now I was more than aware of the risks – these girls coming for just a free trip and us becoming sexless innkeepers. However, she had slept over before with some tit play and her friend stated she was interested in my buddy. Admittedly he was taking a bigger risk than me.
But to minimize our risk, I made certain to establish some things up front and stand my ground. So when the conversations escalated between my girl and I on how the logistics would work for a such a trip, they went a little like this (note – yes this is how I dumb down my English when communicating with foreign girls):
Her: Ok we come, we get two bedroom apartment and me and my friend sleep in one bed, and you and your friend sleep in the other bed.
Her: No? Why?
Me: If you want to come with us and stay with us, you sleep in my bed and your friend sleep in my friend’s bed. If not ok, get own place.
Her: (Angry and confused face). I don’t think so.
Me: Ok, get your own place and we can meet for dinner one night.
After a few minutes of her huffing and puffing, asking why and so on, she went and called her friend, they chatted in Ukrainian for a few minutes and she came back.
Her: Ok, but I cannot promise sex.
Me: Are you saying NO sex, or that you just cannot guarantee sex?
Her: I cannot guarantee it, we will see what happens.
Me: Ok, that’s fine.
We went on the trip, both of us banged on the first night and it was an absolutely awesome few days. Nothing but sex, them cooking and cleaning for us, and they even paid for the first night and transportation there since we couldn’t figure out how to do it. In the end, we actually saved money by having them along.
There is no doubt in my mind that had I not stood my ground and held the line with regards to them sleeping in our beds, there would have been a much less chance for sex. I set the rules and was not willing to move from it. And had they not agreed? I still would have been better off. There would be no point in sharing an apartment with girls that were sleeping in separate beds.
Delusional Demand Girl
The above demonstrates holding your ground and you get the girl in the end. But as I mentioned, this is not always the case.
I met a girl a few months ago. Typical American girl that was delusional as to her self worth, but cute, great body and incredibly rich. Nonetheless my investment was minimal as we would just meet for sex and the occasional drink out.
Last week she texted me to ask if I wanted to come to some party and when she told me the location of the apartment I said yes because, well, it’s one of those areas that only the truly rich can afford. I’m never one to turn down an opportunity to further integrate myself into social circles like this.
I arrive and the place is stacked with talent, free drinks and catered food. I try to get my buddy over because I fully believe in Banging it Forward, but he is on a date. I stick around, have a few drinks and we head back with the girl to my place.
Upon arrival, she refuses to have sex stating that “all we do is have sex.” Well no shit. At that point I was tired and just fine with passing out, but then she continued on:
Her: The next few times we hang out, we are not having sex.
Me: (Laugh loudly)
Her: What are you laughing at?
Her: No what?
Me: I have zero interest in you if we are not having sex.
Her: What! Are you saying you only want me for sex??
Me: No, I’m cool with hanging out too but not if there is no sex. Like I said, I have zero interest in you if we are not having sex.
She got off the bed, grabbed her stuff and left. Happily I went to bed. She texted me the next morning asking how I could be so rude and that she was incredibly pissed off, and to not throw out her bra that she left behind. I never responded. Did I lose the girl? Probably… But I’d rather lose her then go out with her on a nonsexual basis, even once. At this point in my life and given her value to me, this was my preferred outcome.
Do Not Listen To Others’ Characterization Of Your Actions
She (or whatever third party) may claim that you are an asshole, that you are selfish, that you are giving an ultimatum etc. As to the first two things, congrats yes you are. Be selfish and be an asshole—it is your life and if you do not want to tolerate something, then don’t. Same thing with the supposed ultimatum—you are just stating your rules and she has the option to comply or not. If not, no harm.
Here’s one of my favorite things to say if this comes up. Tell her that “there are plenty of guys that are ok with seeing you and not having sex. I’m not one of them.” Then encourage her to go have sex with other men.
Your Ground Is Completely Subjective
There is no person other than yourself who can decide where to draw the line, and what ground to stand upon. Had the above example been another girl in my rotation, I maybe would have been fine with a few nonsexual dates. Perhaps the girl was enjoyable to be around whereas this one was not, or perhaps she was bisexual and there is added value to sticking out a boring date or two.
The point is that your ground is your ground. It can change based on the girl, or based on your situation. If you are having sex with 10 different girls and one of them wants to just go to a museum with you, sure why not maybe you would go. If you have a large work deadline and just want to bang one out, your tune may be different.
Since sex is a big part of all of our lives, we can conclude by speaking about sex again. If the first time she denies you sex and you protest but then give in, it will become a practice. She knows you will break and she will use it as a manipulative tool in the future.
To borrow my fellow ROK writer’s response to the thread above (credit: Tuthmosis), if she denies you sex and you tell her something along these lines:
She may walk. Or she may stay realize that she will never see you again and rescind her demand. Either way, if you have actually decided upon that line in the sand you want to take, then no matter her decision you will be better off.
Read Next: How Male Dominance Creates Better Sex