Dear _________,

I would marry you. I would spend forty hours a week error-checking code or filing papers so that we could have a family together. I would put blood, sweat, and tears in on the job and I would never have sex with another woman if you would always be there. There was a time when I could start a family and consequentially have a purpose, but the chances of this happening in the present are bleak. I will proceed to explain why our relationship will inevitably fail.


You’re about to head off to college. You’ve worked hard your whole life for this. You’ll have so much freedom—what will you do? Right now, you’re a beautiful young girl. You know how to make me happy. You take care of me. You make sure I eat when I am too preoccupied to remember. You let me rest my head on your lap and play with my hair when I’m depressed. It’s lovely. I could die next to you.

But this won’t last.

The reason I get to enjoy this is because your parents sheltered you from the world. You went to private school and were kept in a religious bubble all but the last two years of your life. You resent your parents. I was lucky enough to enjoy the fruit of their efforts because this world will ruin you. Most men don’t even know what it’s like to date a girl like you. They only know the ones incapable of love that this society creates.

By missing the first ten years of public school, you missed ten years of constant male attention. You are only just now realizing the power you have over men. You’re a very attractive girl. When you post a picture on Facebook and get near a hundred likes, it feels good, doesn’t it? It must. You know there are at least fifty guys who you come into contact with every day who would give you the dick at the drop of a hat.


You will soon realize you no longer need to try to make me happy, that you don’t have to dress nicely,  that you don’t have to take care of me. You’ll realize there are tons of men willing to take just your body. You won’t put forth the effort.

You don’t appreciate the amount of work it takes to keep your interest. I am an entertainer. I have to be your clown to keep you interested. I can only keep up the act for so long until you get bored and move on to the next clown who puts on a better performance. How nice it must be to live a life in perpetual state of searching for entertainment.

At least it seems perpetual. Ten years and 47 dicks later, facing the inevitable depreciation of your only real asset, your looks, you have the epiphany,

“I really just want a family and someone to take care of me.”

You may come back searching for me.

At this point, I will have fashioned a life for myself in which women are treated as sexual objects. Women will only exist in my life for the dopamine fix that sex with them brings. I will explain why I won’t take care of you:

“______, western civilization ruined our potential family. It split us up to go to college because our ‘futures’ are  more important than preserving the strongest bond you will ever have with the opposite sex. It told us we have years to find the person we were going to settle with, until we were incapable of love.”

And then we will both mourn what we have missed out on.

Have fun in college.

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