She was a platinum blond.

I was the dance instructor.

Naturally, I took advantage.

However, after what amounted to no more than a month-long courtship I realized it was not going to work out and kindly let her go.

Then things got crazy.

She showed up at my doorstep at 3AM one night with lingerie underneath her jacket.
She constantly called me and e-mailed me.
Through friends I found out she was drawing pictures of me.
And other even weirder things (that shan’t be mentioned here) that drove me to consider a restraining order.

There was certainly a lot more to this unique lady I dated, but one of the things that stood out about her was that she was an ordained priestess for some kind of Gaia-Earthy-Pagan faux religious thingy or another. I would go on dates with three additional “Ladies of the Cloth” (one an actual “witch”) and in all instances all of them were batshit insane.

Ergo, all men need to be warned about what they’re getting into when they decide to date a woman of the clergy.

1.  No Sex (usually)

Understand, unless the woman is of the hippie-dippy Paganesque type religions, you are not getting any from a woman of the cloth. Of course there’s always the chance you might, but if they’ve gone to the lengths to get a Masters in Divinity at a seminary and commit themselves to God, that is some serious religious hamster you are going to wrestle with.

2.  By Default You Are Ranked Second

God or Gaia or Jesus or Vishnu or whoever the hell she’s committed herself to is the most important thing in her life. Not you. It’s just like dating a born-again, except they actually have read the Bible and know their religion and don’t need to rationalize away their visceral desires for you. When they say “Jesus is my life” they aren’t joking.

3.  Hypocrisy

Though well-intentioned, understand the hypocrisy of nearly all women who are in the clergy. NOT ONE real religion, in it’s original form, allowed for women to be pastors, priests, rabbis, or imams. This means if a girl REALLY believed in that religion then she would accept and respect the religion’s rule that women are not allowed to be clergy. It’s like churches allowing gay marriage. Not that I’m against gay marriage or don’t want women to have the right to become clergy, but if a church allow for such things then it is admitting it was wrong in the past, bringing up the question “Well what else were you wrong about?”  It calls into question the validity of the entire religion.

Ergo, if the woman is a pastor or a rabbi, etc., not only is that religion likely of the “churchianity” variety, but she herself did not respect the religion and is using it primarily for her own personal aims. Which in turn leads us to…

4.  Ego and Selfishness

Again, there most certainly are kind, genuinely well-intentioned women of the cloth. But not all of them. Most of them looked at religion like most of their 17-year-old male counterparts contemplating a career in religion—an easy degree, a way to get out of ‘Nam, or (worse) an immediate path to power. Imagine the ego maniac that declares a political science major thinking at the age of 17 they have the wisdom or right to rule over other people. Or the education major who loves the idea of pontificating over a captive audience of 13-year-olds. Clergy is no different. You are the shepherd, they are your sheep. It’s just too tempting to get power before the age of 26 (if you burn through seminary fast enough). Alas, this is why most people (male or female) in religion are there first and foremost for themselves, merely using God as a convenient and “noble” excuse to pursue power. This technically ranks you 3rd place behind her and “God.”

5.  They’re Insane

And finally, they’re batshit insane.

Again, yes, I’m sure this one time at band camp you knew this one female pastor one time who wasn’t insane. All I ask is that you go date a sample size larger than I have and we can do a statistical study. In the mean time, I know that every single one of these girls I dated had major mental issues.

Problems with intimacy, problems with control, anger issues, mind games, abusive pasts, destructive pasts, and a weird “eeriness” about them that I just couldn’t put my finger on.

This is no guarantee you will find a boiled bunny in your pot when you come home, but I will merely state there are four datapoints strongly suggesting a trend and that you could perhaps expect the same.

The truth is, though, you should just avoid dating women of the cloth in general. The lack of sex alone is reason enough, but when combined with all the other baggage and complications that comes with it, you’re wasting the one life God has given you on this planet.

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