Lifestyle slickback

March 19th, 2014

How To Date Several Girls At The Same Time

By

Juggling several girls may look easy, but there’s more to it than meets the eye. It’s a fine art that requires laser-like attention to detail, planning, creativity, and—above all—poise. Unfortunately, unless you’ve met the woman of your dreams—an unlikely proposition if you live in the United States—it’s a near-necessity in today’s dating market. Like pancakes, it takes a stack of these low-nutritional-value hoes to satisfy your appetite.

Big talkers and arm-chair Casanovas will tell you to simply declare upfront that you aren’t “looking for a girlfriend” or that you’re “keeping your options open” or something else like that. This is almost always bad advice, from someone either talking out of his ass or who lives a lifestyle so different from your own that  they’re totally out of touch with the reality of the average cat’s life. The average guy can’t pull this off, and the average girl won’t put up with that shit.

When in doubt, lurk in the shadows.

How to Date Several Girls at the Same Time

Keep them physically, and mentally, separate.

There’s an old toast, “to our wives and mistresses: may they never meet.” Remember that keeping your women separate is your singular mission. This isn’t just a physical task—keeping them from walking into the same frozen-yogurt place at the same time—but also a mental one. Keep your names, stories, and timelines straight. I shouldn’t have to say this, but the safe route is to never refer to a girl by her name (to avoid saying the wrong one), re-ask questions you’re aren’t 100-percent about (“what was that movie we saw together last time?”), and feign having a bad memory (“I’d forget what day of the week it was if it weren’t for this sweet Casio watch”).

Track your prospects with an organized system.

Choose your own adventure, but I use a large post-it note with basic data than I stick on my calendar and update regularly. This serves as a daily prompt to contact and see my girls in the correct intervals to prevent decay in fresh leads or disgruntlement from regulars. Prioritize your “bottom bitch,” but always attend to new customers with industry.

postitwall

Put your phone on lockdown.

I’m convinced 75 percent of guys get caught because of sloppy phone game. Put a password on your phone and change it regularly. And, if you’re getting more serious with one girl, put the others into one of the several fine text-hiding apps that are on the market today. An ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure.

Put your computer on lockdown.

Another 20 percent of guys get caught because of sloppy laptop game. Use a different browser for your shenanigans than for showing cute-animal videos to your girl or letting her check her Facebook. Since roaming eyes are as a big a danger as anything else, it’s also a good strategy to learn the keyboard shortcut for quickly locking your computer (Windows Key + L on Windows machines). If you’re like me, you have completely separate computer for public usage. No one but me touches my filthy laptop.

locked

Invent several friends, and talk about them regularly.

This is an important step since it will plant the seed for future alibis. You’ll need at least two or three fictional friends, each of whom will meet a different need. Avoid referring to them by name. You’ll need one who lives in a neighboring town, but who you visit regularly. This will explain extended absences or sudden disappearances. You’ll also need an “unattractive” female friend—or male friend with a “clingy girlfriend”—to explain away all of the hair clips, tampon wrappers, and other bullshit that girls will invariably shed in your apartment but that you may miss in your routine sweeps.

Talk about your life on a need-to-know basis.

Answer questions as if you’re talking to cops: only offer up the information requested. Withhold unnecessary details about stories dealing with risky aspects of your life. She doesn’t need to know that you’re going to New York for exactly three days and four nights. You’re going to “be away for a few days” and will be back “next week.” That’s it. This practice will leave you vital wiggle room when needed.

Man hiding around corner?

Keep an erratic schedule.

Girls are like dogs: the moment you do something twice you’ve created a pattern. And they can sniff out skullduggery in the slightest changes in your behavior. It’s best to avoid this problem altogether. See your girls on different days, at different times, and in different intervals. Like P90X, it’s all about pussy confusion.

Manage your semen.

This is an often-overlooked aspect of successfully managing multiple women. Even if you’re a sexual beast, your third day in a row won’t be as strong as your first. A tepid bang might not get you “caught,” but it’ll be the kiss of death with a new girl. Give yourself at least one day of rest before an important date. If back-to-back nights are inevitable, put the lower-priority girl second. If the lower-priority girl must go first, only bang her once and save the rest of your juice for the next night.

hugeballs

“Play” a contact sport.

Pickup basketball has explained away scratches on my back, bruises on my chest, and an array of other bedroom injuries.

Her: How did you get a scratch under your shirt?

Me: We were playing shirts-versus-skins and I was on skins. These guys really need to clip their nails.

Her: Playing with your shirt off is kinda gay.

Me: I agree.

Deny, deny, deny.

Like Bill Clinton, never admit to wrongdoing—even in the face of incontrovertible evidence.

Monogamy may be on its way out—as evidenced by girls brazenly declaring themselves “polyamorous” or shamelessly bragging about their sexual exploits as if they’re accomplishments—but exclusivity is still the tacit expectation. If you’re going to sneak around, you still have to do it right.

(Note: This article was written as an unofficial update and homage to this masterpiece.)

Read More: Helping Friends Who Have No Game Is A Bad Idea


About the Author

is a Columnist-at-Large at Return of Kings. His work has been covered by major media outlets such as The Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, Vice Magazine, The Daily Mail, and Yahoo Shine. He's also been profiled by BuzzFeed and The New Statesman. You can follow him on Twitter.

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