Yesterday, Tuthmosis’ article Girls With Short Hair Are Damaged went viral on Facebook and Twitter. We did not expect this to happen because after his last article went viral, female activists on Change.org and Jezebel implored the world never to link to us again. We thought our little web site would fade into obscurity, receiving maybe 10 visits a day, but as you can see from this live Twitter feed, there is something in the ether that irresistibly compels young Western women to share our elite wisdom. As of this writing, Tuthmosis’ article has received over 27,000 Facebook likes and received nearly 3,500 comments.
While reading the angry comments yesterday, a part of my heart did warm to their concerns. Tuthmosis probed their happy existence without their consent by making a comment about the attractiveness of women with certain hairstyles. He linked one of their physical features (short hair) to physical behaviors (psychosis, derangement). Was that mean? Did he intend to hurt the feelings of innocent women? I meditated on these questions for some time, using the following pictures to help me in my quest for the most objective answer possible:
I also called up one of my Ukrainian lady friends and asked for her opinion. I like talking to her because she is agreeable, feminine, and doesn’t interrupt me when I’m talking. Here is a picture of us by the Black Sea:
Lastly, I reminisced on previous women I have had sex with (it took about four hours), trying to see if I could identify a pattern that matches with Tuthmosis’ analysis. After prolonged and vigorous deep thought, I have come to the following conclusion:
Tuthmosis has understated how utterly damaged short-haired women are. Run, run far away from them.
Don’t believe me? Look at the live Twitter response feed. Tuthmosis may have been too nice. To make yourself ugly, and then try to convince the world that you’re in fact beautiful, or that you don’t need a man to find you attractive at all, is so delusional that the ROK executive team is currently reaching out to the best mental health professionals in Moldova so that these women can get the help that they desperately need. (At the same time, I have since held a private meeting in the ROK office with Tuthmosis to encourage him to not write with such a polite filter that makes him hesitant to offend the female sex.)
Sadly, the women who are blasting us right now with vulgar speech and masculine manner are treading the line of self-mutilation with their pixie cuts. If you know a girl who has voluntarily chopped off such a reliable indicator of female beauty and fertility, nothing short of an intervention with all family and friends is necessary to force the victim to grow her hair back out.
I part now with a message of hope. Women: unless you have a smushed pig face, your attractiveness increases at least 6% for every inch your hair passes your shoulders. Don’t listen to people who are trying to sabotage your beauty by encouraging you to adopt a lesbian haircut. We are the only ones who will be brutally honest with you. We are not shy to state where objective female beauty comes from, unlike the saboteurs in your life who are just trying to make it harder for you to find a good husband. And for those of you especially sick women who think that you are going to punish us by cutting your hair, you’re only punishing yourself. Being lonely and having to settle for a brood of cats is not a good life for a woman, but that’s what will happen if you keep your hair short. May the peace be with you.
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