Sometimes you just have to choke a bitch. And that’s just one of many physical talents you’ll need to fuck a girl properly. These talents call on practically every part of your body – you’d need several exercises, if not several workouts, to cover each one.
I had done a Starting Strength style workout for some time, and it gave me a good strength base. I never veered beyond it for long. But I’d get winded from doing anything for more than ten reps. I had strength, but using it for any amount of time would leave me exhausted – it was like having a gas guzzling V8 engine with a half gallon fuel tank. I’d get winded during sex if I went at it hard, and it was bumming me out. And when I’d get physically exhausted, it’d be harder to keep an erection, especially with a rubber on (hypothetically speaking of course). And the very nature of sex impedes a linear progression that any good gym workout has. I needed something that would boost my muscular endurance, so I could fuck for longer.
Turns out there’s one exercise that covers all your bases when it comes to good hard fucking: the kettlebell hip swing. Instead of describing in detail what the exercise is, I’ll post a demonstration, originally embedded on Bret Contreras’ article on kettlebell swings.
You use your hips like a hinge to swing a weight back and forth, from behind your legs to chest height or higher. The kettlebell hip swing works several sets of muscles in the body all at once. If you pick a weight that’s challenging enough, you’ll feel the benefits rather quickly. Think of it as a standing kettlebell hip thrust, because you thrust your glutes forward to propel the bell up and out. I don’t presume to be any expert, but professional ass-man Contreras says the woman above has excellent form.
It’s like sex – The unique thing about the swing is the direction of force: you’re thrusting FORWARD. You are basically humping your hips forward and through to get the weight up. The exercises that everyone loves to recommend, like the squat and the deadlift, have a vertical plane of motion. Considering that you’ll be fornicating forward for the most part, the kettlebell swing resembles sex far more than those squats, deadlifts, snatches or cleans ever will. None of those exercises feature a thrust that is anything like sex. The low bar squat or back squat comes closest, but it’s still miles away from primal thrusting.
Generally when fucking in any position, 80-100% of your motion is horizontal relative to your body, and 0-20% of it is vertical. The kettlebell swing is similar – the vast majority of your hips’ movement during the swing is horizontal, with a small but notable vertical component. The kettlebells we’re talking about can range from 35 lbs to 200+ lbs (16kg to 96+kg).
The more a lift resembles something you do in real life, the more natural it will feel, and the more beneficial it will be in your life outside the gym. Plus, the odds of injury will be much lower, and you won’t need complicated, expensive instruction on how to do it properly. The kettlebell swing is something you already do, every time you get in bed with a woman.
Choke Grip – swinging a 40+ lb weight for several hundred reps will give your grip muscles a nice workout – especially when you start going up in weight on the kettlebell. I’ve only just got to the point where my grip is getting to be a limiting factor, and only when I go for high reps. Kettlebells give you a good endurance grip workout that’s hard to get from other lifts. There’s farmer walks of course, but it can be a bitch to maneuver around a gym with 100 lb (45 kg) dumbbells in each hand. Plus the swing does so much more at the same time.
Glute Recruitment – if you don’t already know how, heavy kettlebell swings WILL teach you how to fuck. With a heavier bell, you just can’t get the weight up unless you are thrusting your ass forward. You will have to contract your glutes and clench your butt cheeks together to get that heavy bell to reach the top of the swing – and that’s what good sex feels like too.
Flexibility – I have probably never done a conventional deadlift properly. I had always written off stretches as gay and lame because I was lazy. I never got the flexibility in my lower back and hamstrings to do them properly, but I did them anyway.
I don’t recommend that, as you put yourself at great risk of injury if you lift without the requisite flexibility. But the kettlebell is a harsh, instructive mistress – I felt significant tension and pain in my lower back for the first workout or two, and it disappeared thereafter. Same for my hamstrings – I felt some soreness after the first couple workouts, and then it went away. Just doing the swing eased my body into greater flexibility; the swings alone will enhance your flexibility. I’m nowhere near perfect, my torso doesn’t get parallel to the ground like the woman in the video, but if your flexibility is lacking, kettlebells can be a small aid, and motivate you to do more flexibility work to get the motion right.
Listen to your nerves and don’t press yourself too hard if you feel heavy tension or pain. Rest as many days as you need to recover. But you’ll find that problems with flexibility will ease with time.
This is also why I recommend starting with a low weight for high reps, eg 25+ – it’s much safer on your joints and muscles to do a low weight for reps for a completely new exercise. If you go for a heavy weight, low rep scheme, you could injure yourself right when you’ve started.
It’s Mentally Grueling – for better or worse, swings are even hard on your mind. Doing 500 reps of anything will take its toll. Even harder is that you’ll fail in explicable ways – maybe one workout you get 300 reps with 36 kg, and the next workout you can barely get 150, even when you had all the rest you could ask for. It’s frustrating as all hell, but if you stick with it you’re guaranteed to see progress. This routinely happens to me – I’d attribute it to variations in the swinging form that make it easier or harder to get through the workout.
Variety – It sounds paradoxical to say that a single exercise offers variety. But in the short time I’ve done kettlebell swings, I’ve noticed that after almost every workout, I had a different limiting factor, a different muscle group that failed and prevented me from continuing. It could be my grip or my lower back, my cardiovascular system or my hamstrings. You’ll never really know how you’ll fail, but with adequate sleep and food, you’ll come back stronger every time.
Fat Loss – Many people tout fat loss as a primary benefit of kettlebell training. I was skeptical – I wasn’t exactly untrained, and didn’t expect any fat loss. Hell, I didn’t think I had much to lose. After starting to train with kettlebells, I lost about 4-5 pounds – it sounds like little, but for someone who’s not looking to lose weight, I had people telling me they noticed I lost weight. Over the same time frame though, I made some other changes which may have contributed, like eating more coconut oil instead of butter. I can’t pinpoint whether it was the kettlebell or the coconut oil that played the part – I’d recommend incorporating both.
Dat Man Ass – I already had a meaty ass, so this is a non-issue for me. But some guys are a little lacking in that department. I always found it odd that bodybuilders, a group obsessed with making every muscle as big as possible, would glaringly ignore the biggest muscle in the body – and the one essential to athleticism. They were probably worried everyone would think they were homosexual – I hear a lot of bodybuilders actually are. Anyhow, I have a sneaking suspicion that guys who have a small, weak ass tend to be mentally and psychologically weak as well. Dudes with big strong asses are rooted men. You tend to know where they stand on things. The assless are spineless, and heavy swings will help you build strong roots. And it’ll boost your swagger (skip to 37:50):
Spreading The Big Booty Gospel – Once you’ve gotten a big ass yourself, your immediate next step is to acquire a big-assed woman or three for yourself. Now that you’ve gained some proficiency with the kettlebell swing, it’s time to get preaching. Sing the swing’s praises, and get your girls on your program. Fuck Brazilian blowouts, it’s time for your bottom bitch to get that Bunda Brasileira. Make her homepage http://bretcontreras.com/, home to the world’s foremost expert on ass hypertrophy. Set one of the photos of Jen Selter, pictured here, as the wallpaper on her phone to give her dat ass envy.
Endurance – if you’re used to just lifting weights, there’s a good chance you have weak endurance. I did. There are a lot of ways to get a great endurance workout, notably high intensity interval training (HIIT), or short bouts of intense exercise – and kettlebell swings is one great option. Considering all the other benefits, if you were already doing a bit of endurance work, the swing can take its place.
Posture – I won’t presume to know how exactly your lower back works, so I won’t try. But the dynamic motion of the swing, where you’re moving your body in a natural arc (remember, it’s like fucking) lends itself to a stronger lower back and improved posture.
I started with a rep scheme based on Dan John’s 10,000 swing workout – start with a pyramid sequence of swings:
10 swings + rest
15 swings + rest
25 swings + rest
50 swings + rest
I liked this one because the high rep scheme resembles sexual activity much more than a low rep scheme would. Experiment with rest periods of different duration between sets and sequences. Personally, I don’t concern myself with specific rest times – I rest until I feel ready for the next set. John recommends doing exercises between each set of swings, but I wanted to really focus on the swings, so I do other exercises after I’m totally finished with the swings.
Lately though, I’ve been doing more lifting, and cut down the kettlebells. Instead, I’ll do a set or two of 25-50 reps for the heaviest bell I can manage, at the end of my workout. It’s hard to find kettlebells heavy enough to make a low rep scheme effective anyway (eg 300 lb kettlebells), so you’ll have to confine yourself to high rep sets. Track your progress in a notebook or an app like Jefit and try to do more each workout. If your gym doesn’t have a good set of kettlebells, you can use a dumbbell instead, buy one, or build your own.
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