How To Dig Out Last Night’s Holdout

History of Problem

It is aggravating to wait 30 minutes after your scheduled appointment time at the doctor’s office. It is even more aggravating if you arrived 15 minutes early. What is even more aggravating than this is a woman that does not take the hint that it is time to leave the next morning. People say they are more socially perceptible and empathetic than men. If this is true, why do they always try to hold out like some insurgent in an Afghan cave? Their loitering in your space prevents you from doing other things. These things include calling other woman, making moves, and getting your Return of Kings article submitted on time. I know I said before that it’s better to go to her place but sometimes that’s not always an option.  If you find yourself with last night’s fun occupying your living room you have a few options. You need to exercise your options immediately before the whole day is ruined staring at each other.

I’ve noticed women try to hang around after the fact for many reasons. One reason is they want to escalate the level of the relationship by playing house. Another reason is that it allows them to observe your stuff to size you up as a potential long-term mate or for future robbery. And more ominous  reason is they might have actually formed some kind of emotional connection to you in the heat of passion. One has to consider her motivation for trying to hang around when assessing what course of action to take to remove her from the premises. Trying too hard to remove the emotionally unstable woman might get her to say and do things that have social and legal consequences. That schoolteacher you  just turned out the night before? She might tell her friends that you put her out like a nightclub bouncer and you’ll find your self accused of something . Also, for the most part you just can’t throw them out the window. Believe me, I’ve tried.

Methods

One method that is rather passive aggressive and enjoyable is the “ghost method.” Just pretend you’re Demi Moore and she’s Patrick Swayze. Go about your business like she’s not even there. This can lead to a lot of trouble but is also quite fun. It does prevent you from doing sensitive tasks like counting your money, cleaning your gun, or talking to other woman. Unless you’re dating some internet autist, this method should work.

Another effective method is to make things awkward. Try dropping a deuce with the door open and the fan off. Start playing really bizarre pornography on your computer. Ask her when was last time she got tested for HIV or if Jesus Christ is her true Lord and Savior. Field testing of this method has had led to some bizarre outcomes. Be careful in it’s use because it might take you places you never really wanted to go.

One method I have adopted for “Jersey Shore” is  to call her a cab. This is pretty direct and she gets the message immediately after telling her you called her cab. It’s especially funny when she drove to your house. Bonus points if you are true pimp and have some side deal worked out the cab company so they cut you part of the profit for sending them the business on the regular.

One use of props method is the scheduling game. Take out your smart phone and bring up the calendar application. Inform her that you have some type of appointment in the next 15 minutes and she has to leave. Then tell her you can pencil her in for the 3 PM afternoon delight on Thursday. I’ve tried this twice and has worked twice. I think the n in my sample size is not  large enough to draw any conclusions though.

When all else fails you can go nuclear. You could always just tell her get the fuck out. This is 50-50 whether there is repeat banging for me and may vary depending on your personality. You could always tell her that you are gay. When she asks how long you have been that way, tell her 15 minutes. I have not tried this one yet but I look forward to the attempt.

Conclusion

If you do find yourself with a woman that’s holding on like Soviets in Stalingrad, recognize that this is a serious problem. Most women understand that as soon as sleep time is done it’s time to get out. If you allow this abnormal person to make herself at home she will. Note that if the woman is hot enough for the next morning bang, go for that first then boot her out.

Read More: Why Can’t I Leave A Smiley Face