Recently I came across a book I bought over 7 years ago in my dumber years that, thankfully, I never actually read until now because I may have actually listened to it. I had some free time so I thought why the hell not, let me read this book now and see what it’s about.

Well, it’s about how to not only eat pussy, but why it should be the most important part of your sexual life. Seriously. The book is called She Comes First and is written by Ian Kerner who describes himself as follows:

Just the sight of a woman’s naked body could make me lose control, and foreplay quickly led to end of play.

[…]

I was a sexual cripple, and oral sex became my crutch.  If I couldn’t satisfy a woman with my penis, then I’d sure as hell satisfy her with my mouth!

Now you can see the mindset of the author and what caused him to write this book. Before I go further I will say I am not opposed to some tonguing if the girl is hygienic and not suffering from roast beef. This guy, however, takes it to another level…he suggests up to 45 minutes of the seafood buffet:

…a cunninglingus session should last anywhere from fifteen to forty-five minutes on average, not including foreplay.

At one point he even advocates pairing pussy with wine:

Enjoy and savor her unique cassolette – now there’s an idea worth raising a glass to and toasting!

[…]

“…the acidity of the vagina in health is just about that of a glass of red wine…”  Cheers.

Before you run down to the local wine mart to pick up that Malbec, you need to remember… you have to be safe when chowing down on some clam. Mr. Kerner suggests

dental dams…latex gloves, or finger cots

What the fuck is a finger cot you ask?  I had the same question.  Google it and shed a tear for anyone that actually listened to this advice.

I know what you are thinking. Law Dogger, what if she is coming so hard and in such volumes where the rivers of love must be soaked up prior to continuing? Don’t worry, She Comes First makes sure you are prepared:

When enjoying an entr’acte, keep a small towel handy and use your free hand to give your face a quick wipe-down.  You might also want to pat down her inner thighs and lightly dab her vulva.

People Listen To This

So let’s review. You show up with latex gloves, a towel, and a glass of wine to eat out your girl for 45 minutes. Good luck. For the ROK readers, we may realize that such suggestions are borderline absurd. However, the Amazon reviews on this book make it seem like people are taking this as gospel, and it is currently a “#1 Best Seller” in the human sexuality category. Perhaps some of the techniques are effective—as he goes into great detail on how to do everything—but the philosophy he preaches, where muff diving rules above all, is ridiculous.

The One Thing I Learned

There was one helpful piece of advice in there. Apparently, if your girl’s vagina all of a sudden starts smelling a bit foul, it means she’s banging someone else raw. Bacterial vaginosis is caused by the vagina coming in contact with new sperm. Good to know, I guess.

Nonetheless, if you read the book maybe use it to pick up a technique or two. But please do not listen to its philosophy of “outercourse” over intercourse. One thing you will never hear is a girl say “damn he tongued the shit out of me last night!”

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