How Women Killed Facebook

A sad fact of all decent nightclubs is that one day you will step inside and discover that the thin, sexy and classy women you once danced with have been swept away by a sea of brash, over-the hill hags in ill-fitting clothing. One can’t help but notice that this very same phenomena has come to afflict social networking behemoth/spy-tool Facebook.

Not so long ago, Facebook was a breath of fresh air. The clientele a marked contrast to the plebian inhabitants of Myspace. Instead of crazed, over-the-hill females posting endless streams of curiously-angled selfies and thinly-veiled threats of removing people from their prestigious positions on her ‘Top 8’, Facebook cultivated a user-base of young, smart and dare I say, sexy people.

You may not have noticed it, but over the past two years attractive women have been gradually disappearing from your Facebook friends list. Unless the portly section of the female population has secretly begun eating their skinny superiors, it’s reasonable to assume that the hot chicks are leaving Facebook of their own volition.

In short, the nightclub phenomena has hit Facebook. The babes have fled and it’s important, from an anthropological as well as business perspective, to examine why this has occurred;

1. Allowing Entry to Unattractive Women

Any good bouncer knows that despite the protestations of the equality-Gestapo, face-control is alive and well and if you want to keep the modest pay and limitless stream of intoxicated sluts available to a club doorman – you simply must keep the uglies and the chubbies out.

Unfortunately, Facebook failed to learn what a bouncer with an IQ of 70 knows instinctively—humans don’t really want to be around undesirable women.

Full of wide-eyed, Silicon-Valley egalitarianism, the site went from being a place for elite university students to communicate to an attempt to ‘connect the entire world’. The reality is that people only want to be connected to those they appreciate or desire. No rational man desires additional modes of communication with an ugly girl.

2. The Tide Of Thirsty, Thirsty Men

You know a nightclub is dead when the biggest loser you know tells you it’s good. Until around 2011, Facebook was quite useful for talking to and bedding girls you would have otherwise lost touch with. Annoyingly, guys on Facebook told their loser friends about this, who then told their fedora-wearing friends on World of Warcaft forums.

The result is that Facebook went from being a direct line of communication to the girls in your social circle, to hundreds of millions desperately writing their wish-lists to a sexual Santa Claus. Any girl who is a 7 or above receives an amount of unsolicited messages that would shame even the most over-zealous African 419 scammer.

3. Allowing Women To Post Without Restriction

Women talk a lot, often about not a lot. That much is a given. But in real life, we can leave the room, pretend to be asleep or find a quieter girl with a smaller waist.

On Facebook, this isn’t the case. You wake up, load up your Facebook and bam, you are hit last night’s 50 attention-seeking posts from ‘Kaylee’. These will be largely variations on the theme of “I FEEL LOST :(” and graphics emblazoned with over-used Marilyn Monroe quotes.

In order to be tolerable in conversation, women require some form of limitation or censorship. Facebook is quite the opposite of that, offering a direct view into the mind of the average woman and it’s not pretty. In fact, it’s barely readable.

The current Facebook experience is akin to getting stuck talking to the 26-year-old girl in the club who thinks another Jager-bomb will postpone her imminent collision with the wall. Tedious, to say the least.

4. Over-Accessibility of User Data

Lately an app named ‘Lulu’ has been attracting a lot of attention in the media, for it offers girls the chance to ‘get their own back’ by posting reviews of the men attached to the penises which have entered their vagina recently.

I didn’t pay much attention to the hype, until a girl I made acquaintance with a couple of years ago messaged me out of the blue. “Ray, have you seen your Lulu profile?”. Curious, I began to research and found that 3 Lulu users had rated me. 2 of the reviews being positive and the third making me sound like the bastard love-child of Hitler and 90s-era Mike Tyson.

Imagine every chick you hooked up with in a club being able to broadcast their opinions to every female in your life. Lulu brings this nightmarish scenario to Facebook. Were a male equivalent out there, it wouldn’t last long. Cheryl Sandberg would doubtless deem it too rapey and promptly block its data access rights, but Lulu is good because… equality.

Conclusion

The decline of Facebook comes from a fundamental misunderstanding of the social and sexual impulses that drive humans. While connectivity between all humans sounds lovely on paper, the truth is that people operate largely in a hierarchical and aspirational manner.

Nightclub owners know this, they aim to create restricted environments containing attractive desirable women, as this is what motivates men to visit. However, I’m not so sure that those at the top of Facebook are aware of this. Their service now resembles that club where fat chicks burst into tears on the dancefloor upon hearing a George Michael song.

In short, if you are a man who likes interacting with young, desirable women – Facebook is no longer for you. The hot chicks don’t frequent this club no more. You can stay and talk with 5s, but I’m off to that hot new spot where you can send girls self-deleting pictures of your junk….

Read More: Facebook Is Hurting Your Game