Girls pouty

November 27th, 2013

16 Cute Girls Who Hate My Guts Now (UPDATED)


If Fat Shaming Week inspired hate comments and nastygrams from fat girls and misfits, the epic shitstorm surrounding my 5 Reasons to Date a Girl With An Eating Disorder brought the hotties to the yard. Droves upon droves of thin—and supremely bangable—girls kept my Twitter feed sizzling for days with expressions of disappointment, rage, and pouty sadness. Many of their grievances were painfully repetitive, but the messaging wasn’t what was so striking. It was the sheer volume of serviceable talent that was astonishing. It seemed that, in one fell swoop, I’d unwittingly managed to infuriate every cute white girl in the Anglosphere. Fortunately, to paraphrase my dear old mother, “indifference is much worse than hate.”

This gallery is by no means comprehensive—and represents but a mere sampling of the many cute girls who decided to voice their opposition—so I apologize in advance to any girls who feel they should have made the cut. It was a very competitive selection process, and tough calls were common. Many “legit” chicks—who no guy would feel the least bit embarrassed to be caught with by his buddies—ended up on the cutting room floor. 

A Glimpse Into the Selection Process:

1. A girl got an “interview” if her avatar was on point.

If she looked cute in the tiny version of her icon, our judges opened her Twitter page in a new browser tab for closer inspection later on. If she had some impressionistic or emo picture that obscured a clear look at her face, she was automatically disqualified. The same went if she had a group picture where it was unclear which one was her.

2.  Examination of the profile picture.

Having passed the initial muster for having a tab opened, the girl’s primary picture underwent closer scrutiny. These were subjected to a thorough screening for every type of photographic subterfuge, including Myspace Angling and distorted contrast. If everything checked out there, she was officially entered in the “big dance.”

3. The elimination stages.

After several vetted profiles were up, the girls’ tabs began to go head-to-head. Sometimes this required that our judges scroll through a few selfies in their galleries to render close calls. Girls with several pictures, verifying their cuteness, had a decided advantage over avatar-only candidates.

4. New contestants were constantly added to the battle royal.

Girls who made it through an elimination stage went up against successive waves of candidates entering the fray, in an ongoing battle of attrition.

5. Final cut pro.

In the final round, intangibles came into play. Things like a nice hairdo, a sense of style, or a friendly face were factored in to narrow the finalist pool. Multiple pictures—which insulate the process against one lucky, flattering picture—were essential at this stage.

In no particular order:

1. Michele



2. Marcella



3. Hannah



4. Cassidy



5. Tori



6. Alina



7. Serena (NSFW)



8. Kara



9. Chloë



10. Anna the Sad Girl



11. Chloë 2


Chloe 2

12. Annalise



13. Unnamed Emo Chick



14. Katie



15. Alexandria



16. Catherine

Which is your favorite?

Read More: Meeting Melissa

About the Author

is a Columnist-at-Large at Return of Kings. His work has been covered by major media outlets such as The Huffington Post, Cosmopolitan, Vice Magazine, The Daily Mail, and Yahoo Shine. He's also been profiled by BuzzFeed and The New Statesman. You can follow him on Twitter.


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