My friend Steve got a girl’s number. He texted her later in the night and she didn’t reply. The flakes, ye will always have with you.

The next morning, we went out for breakfast with a group of friends. Steve told us his story of unrequited love. To soothe his broken heart, I offered him a wager. I bet Steve that I could send his girl three texts from my phone, and get more than ten back before the end of the day.

Steve doubted me. My other friends doubted me. The Gods themselves, looking down on that greasy spoon diner, said that it could not be done. I saved her number, took a deep breath, and sent the first text:

“I can’t believe you”

She replied an hour later:

“Why?”

I wrote back:

“omg you don’t even remember”

She responded, immediately:

“Wtf?”

And that’s when I hit her with the emotional heavy artillery, uranium-tipped with a lack of capitalization:

“such a slut” 

nuclear-bomb-explosion

(Credit for this always-incendiary text to RSD Julien)

Did I win the bet?

Well, it depends. If a missed call counts as a text, and I argue that it does, then yes. Steve disagrees, but was still impressed with the four consecutive unanswered text replies, the last of which was “Meurt a Toronto, criss de pas beau.” (My gutter slang French is rusty, but I think I catch her drift.)

What’s the point of this story? Maybe there isn’t one. Maybe it’s just a funny thing that happened to me last weekend, that we can laugh about today.

But maybe not. Because now I’m a little bit worried. I have committed the ultimate crime against humanity in 21st century North America. I hurt a girl’s feelings.

What might happen – I find myself wondering – if this girl has a complete mental breakdown from my rude texts? This is entirely possible. One In Four Women Have Mental Health Issues, and we are in the midst of a Depression Epidemic Caused By Feminism. What if this girl had actually hooked up with some guy later that night, felt bad about it, and forgot what he looked like? And then she woke up to my texts and decided to get revenge on the asshole who ‘took advantage of her’?

As we discussed in The Truth About False Rape Accusations, the legal definition of rape is subjective. The Feminist movement has pushed hard to redefine all drunk sex as rape. Meanwhile, our culture refuses to hold women accountable for their actions in many regards. The result: false rape accusations are real, they are common, and they are usually consequence-free for the accuser.

That’s why I felt worried about those text messages. I have no idea who this girl is. I did nothing more than call her a mean name. But, in the legal climate we live in, and given the emotional frailty of North American women, there’s a real chance that it would be enough to kick off a shitstorm. This is true for any man who risks hurting a girl’s feelings. For example:

  • If a man and a woman have a few drinks at a party, hook up, and he never makes eye contact with her again, she’s going to feel like a slut
  • If a man and a woman hook up and he gets clingy in the morning, she’s going to feel regret for sleeping with a weak man.
  • If a man and a married woman hook up and the woman later gets caught by her husband, she’s going to feel guilty

In each of these situations, the woman has two options: 1) Accept the responsibility and consequences for a bad decision and move on with her life, or 2) Cry rape.

The majority of women would go with option (1). But the statistics indicate that many do not. And once she decides to go down that road, she’ll have the unflagging support of a feminist community to goad her on, and attack anyone who questions her credulity as a misogynistic “victim-blamer.”

The end result is that men have one rational response to the growth of false rape accusations: We must become nice guys. We cannot go around being assholes, having a laugh, saying whatever crazy shit we feel like, because there are now serious legal repercussions to hurting the feelings of emotionally unstable women. We must become nice guys, and you must take precautions to protect yourself from false rape accusations. For example:

  • We must exchange a few post-bang good-feelings texts with random hookups, both for the positive emotions and the recorded evidence.
  • We must avoid crazy, unstable, and taken girls.
  • We must avoid hooking up with girls who are drunk or high.
  • We must generally act like decent guys, treat the girls we date reasonably well, and at least pretend to be interested in a follow-up bang after the fact.

I can hear the mentally defective feminists and manginas reading this list and saying: “Good! Men should do those things anyways! What’s so hard about being a decent human being?” Thus revealing their totalitarian desire to enforce good hook-up etiquette with life imprisonment.

I can also hear the more enlightened reader, shaking his head at how we let our culture get so fucked up. And you’re right. It is absolutely ridiculous. But, in the short term, this is the world we live in. Go to Singapore and they will lash you for chewing gum. In Thailand, you will be jailed for insulting the King. In India, they will draw and quarter you for the great crime of cow-tipping.

Here in 21st-century North America, you can be sentenced to die in prison for hurting an unstable and emotionally immature girl’s feelings. Swallow your pride, and act accordingly.

Read Next: A False Rape Accusation: My Story