The 13th of every month is gun cleaning day in the Chubbs household. I wake up and get the oil out, really lubing them up good before I scrub off the rust and make sure everything still fits smoothly into the slide – then I kick my woman of the week out and begin cleaning my guns, har har har great joke Billy. I also make and shine up a new tin foil hat too, since after awhile the rays wear down the protective metal coating – but you guys already knew that.

While cleaning I like to watch documentaries. This week’s fare was called Waco : The Rules Of Engagement (it’s available on youtube). It’s a surprisingly unbiased documentary, given it’s content, and the sheer bold facing lying of some of the agency directors is absolutely fascinating to watch. If you’re the kind of person who doesn’t hear demonic voices coming from their neighbour’s dog, I recommend watching it.


Emma is a spy for them James kill Emma to save the world James

For those of you who don’t know what Waco is; Waco in general refers to a siege by the US government on a religious cult’s compound outside the town of Waco, Texas. The cult called themselves the Davidians and it was run by one Vernon Wayne Howell, a native born Texan who went to Israel and changed his named to David Koresh so you already know he’s sane. (Interesting fact: Vernon – who will be referred to as David from now on – was born to a single mother; make of that what you will) David’s childhood and teenaged years were incredibly pathetic. His mom, like many single mothers, selfishly shacked up with a terrible man and David was that pathetic kid even the losers spat on. According to Wikipedia, that reputable source of everything; “Due to his poor study skills and dyslexia, he [David] was put in special education classes and nicknamed “Mister Retardo” by his fellow students.” I lolled.

retard pug

Make way for the messiah!

David then dropped out of high school. Soon he [allegedly] began to tap some young teenage trim, quickly [allegedly] putting Retardo Jr in her oven. Then he joined a church and [not so allegedly] went straight for the pastor’s teenaged daughter. David had his priorities and he chased them with the admirable fury of a hungry bear going after Timothy Treadwell. (I…also watched the documentary Grizzly Man while cleaning my guns) The pastor kicked David out of the church due to the sheer persistence of this underage hunting jackanapes. You can hang a piece of meat over a hungry dog and it’ll eventually stop trying to jump up and get it – hang some jailbait over David and he’d leap until he was crippled.

With no immediate teenaged poosy on his horizon, with no equitable job skills and an undignified drop out of the Texas educational system (a state where actual graduates barely rank above lukewarm potato in the intelligence range, according to popular American media) what did David do? Why he did what any one of us would do; David proclaimed himself god. Classic game move. He joined the Branch Davidians, themselves a splinter faction of The Shepard’s Rod – take from that name what laughs you will – who themselves were a splinter faction of the Seventh Day Adventist Church; basically one big ski slalom of sexually tense holier then thou crazy. Then he told all the Davidians that he was the messiah, the Jesus of the 20th century. They believed him and moved with David to a remote compound to pray and stockpile guns. Just another day in ‘Muricah.

guns and jesus

No no, what god meant was ‘thou shalt not kill…without armor piercing bullets y’all!’

But wait Billy! How did he prove he was god you ask? Did David perform miracles? Did he walk to the top of a mountain and moon the heavens while thunderbolts pelted ten new commandments (mostly espousing rights to jail bait and guns) onto his ass? No dear friends, David did something far more convincing; he took random passages from the bible that vaguely alluded to anything you can possibly think of and said it was referring to him. He also played the guitar in local clubs and tried to start his own record company but failed because of a lack of funds; plus no one was interested in joining a label called I’m Literally Jesus records. David was a loser. David was god with an AK47 and a 5 inch erection.

Until the Man came to burn down his little slice of eden and kill him, David spent all day reading to his followers about how he was totally god, sending the adults out to work to make money for the church (him) while he stayed at the compound tuning his guitar and banging their teenaged daughters. And these weren’t the ugly offspring of potato people – there was some nice trim in that compound. Semi-attractive and otherwise clear minded adults willingly listened to, toiled away and gave their teenaged daughter’s flesh saddles to a man known to most people as Mister Retardo. All this was achieved because David was shamelessly confident in himself.


David Koresh; patron saint of playa’s everywhere

Other cult leaders share(d) similar lives. They have no credentials, no skills – most are not even charming. They wouldn’t last a week on a real job site. If they were military commanders the majority of their soldiers would be trying to surrender before they even hit the beach. Yet because David and others like him are shamelessly confident in themselves they get to live like kings. When challenged about their legitimacy they pretty much flip open to random pages in books, or play the chorus of pop songs or hell even just pointed a smudge on the wall and say: “There it is. I’m god. Me one you nothin’ – where’s your teenaged daughter?” They are god because they say they are. 9/10 people they say that to dismiss them of course, but the 1 who don’t absolutely worship them. How many people currently worship you?


Now most of us don’t want to be cult leaders – I sure as hell do (I’m a narcissistic sociopath) – but all of us can benefit from shameless confidence. In a sense that’s the core essence of game; going at the woman you want to bang with the attitude that you’re the 10 and she’s the 1. And it works. Yeah there will always be naysayers, people who look down on you and belittle you what you do. People who might label you Mister Retardo. They don’t matter. What they call you doesn’t matter. You are who you want to be. David Koresh wanted to be god and slam some teenage clam. He did it through sheer confidence. The people who reject you do not matter because with enough persistence and belief in yourself others will accept you; even if you’re beat, so long as you keep your head up and act like number one you will be treated as such by those who matter to your goals.

This all sounds like some self help, The Secret type baloney but those who are already confident, those who have disregarded the shame from other peoples opinions are nodding their heads in agreement because they know it’s true. Shameless confidence trumps dignified humility any day of the week. Look how many otherwise attractive or incredibly successful men have mediocre wives and are totally whipped *COUGH* Kanye West *COUGH*. Look at how many ugly guys have gorgeous women taking their baby juice. And most of you will probably be saying “Yeah the guy’s ugly, but he’s probably rich or famous Billy, you beautiful bastard.” To which I rebut; Prince William of England. Young rich royalty, not repulsive in looks, could only pull at best (with make up on) a 7 who doesn’t exactly reek of intelligence or wit. He literally had a world of tight, beautiful women to choose from who would have jumped at the opportunity just to sleep with him – and I bet a good percentage would be more tolerable and witty then Kate Middleton is. Yet because he has zero confidence, and is dominated by the women in his life, he buckled under the first chick with shameless confidence who leapt in his way. Then again, Willy’s a prince so he has to choose a wife with subtle looks and no personality because the royal family’s image is so important to maintain right?


Ah royal grace and C minus bewbs

When I go out walking with no destination I try to strike up a conversation with every pretty girl I meet, sometimes even if they’re with a group of friends or guys that are smaller then me. I have a lot of awkward conversations. I’ve been called every name under the sun. One time a girl straight up ran away, now there was a self-esteem boost. Mace has been pulled on me thrice; my fault for telling them they’re good looking and asking if they’d like to get some coffee right? Those rejections roll off me because I know I’m awesome. I just have the rotten luck of living in a world where a lot of women aren’t awesome. When I meet one who is, we have an awesome experience together. If I apply for a job and don’t get it I don’t care because I know I’m awesome. When I get my ass handed to me and knocked down to the mat I don’t care because I’m going to get back up and keep being awesome, missing teeth, tears and all. A life lived without shame, a life lived with pure confidence is a beautiful thing to experience. Like wise Buddha said;

“A life lived without shame, a life lived with pure confidence is a beautiful thing to experience.” – Buddha, Corinthians 6:9

Of course shameless confidence isn’t an excuse to be a lazy slob. Be confident enough to keep yourself clean and in shape for god sakes. A 300 pound basement dweller has already proven they have no shame and are much worse for it; but if you’re fit and not utilizing your inherent awesomeness you’re no better then morbidly obese James clicking life away in Warcraft while Emma’s out spying on you James silence her James Emma’s not real we’re not real


So in closing; stop feeling humiliation because some stuck up broad rejected you. It’s not your problem if that particular poosy doesn’t realize how awesome you are. She spends her nights at home alone musing how pathetic you are while reading 50 Shades of Billy’s Chubb and sharing supper with her cat straight from the plate (true story) while you’re giving some more intelligent chick the best O of her life. So far as we know this one life is all we got. It’s too damn short to waste caring about what others think of you. Go forth and be as shamelessly confident as David Koresh was – just, you know, don’t do anything else he did.

SPECIAL NOTICE : The Children Of Chubbs is now accepting enlightened individuals to join it’s parish. If you have a median income of over $40,000 and one or more attractive teenaged daughters, please leave your E-Mail in the comments section and god (me) will contact you for your banking information and pictures of your daughter. Owning a gun is a plus but if you do not have one, one will be provided by god (me) along with your robes on arrival. Heaven is only a northern Canadian compound away.


Read More: 5 Game Lessons From Barney Stinson


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