It would appear that, in the Twitter-sphere at least, there are still men who believe there is a distinction to be drawn between the sort of date that you would go on for a ‘hook up’, and the kind you would arrange for a more ‘serious’ encounter. Of course, this is illusory. A first date, whomever it is with, should always be the same.
You should go for a few drinks, and not overcomplicate things. Perhaps this flies in the face of conventional ‘wisdom’. Well, conventional wisdom is wrong, for at least a couple of reasons. The first is that when you are going on a date with a girl for the first time, you shouldn’t even be thinking about whether this is going to turn into something ‘serious’ or not.
Even if you are in the market for a girlfriend, building up a date with someone who you presumably hardly know into a big deal is the very worst thing you can do.
What if you go out with said girl and she turns out to be a moron who you can’t stand? The whole purpose of meeting up with someone is, after all, to get to know them a little better (whether or not things end up in the bedroom).
And even if she does turn out to be the girl of your dreams, making too much investment before you’ve even slept with her screams of desperation and provider mentality. In fact, if you’re not careful, it might look as though you are trying to impress her simply to get her into bed.
The Truth About Attraction
The reason the men mistakenly believe that they should somehow behave differently with ‘good girls’ they are looking to get more serious with belies a fundamental misunderstanding about how the sexual marketplace works.
Bear in mind that initial attraction operates the same, regardless of whether you wind up as fuck buddies or an old married couple. And attraction has to be there at the beginning no matter what. So whatever your longer term intentions are regarding this particular girl, you must play it cool at the outset. And you must spark attraction. And the very best way to do this is not to try too hard.
Think about this. Imagine you meet a beautiful girl who has all the qualities that you desire for a long-term partner or wife. Perhaps you meet her at the library, or in a museum or bookstore, or some other environment that would indicate to you that she is a good catch.
Because she is not a club girl, or the sort who frequents bars (or so you assume), and because you infer that she has long-term potential as a result, you decide to organise something special for your first date. You buy tickets to a recital of a Schubert’s string quartets, and then arrange a candlelit dinner at an expensive restaurant afterwards.
After all, this is a special girl. You are not in the market for a one-night stand and neither is she (clearly). And because you are hoping to initiate a relationship with her, you want your first date to be memorable.
So you meet the girl, you sit through the string quartet in your itchy suit, and then you go to dinner, where you make small talk about books on the New York Times bestsellers list.
When the evening draws to a close you walk the girl home and she gives you a peck on the cheek at her door. The next day you send her a message telling her how much you enjoyed her company. She doesn’t reply. You never hear from her again.
The Fatal Nature of Over-Investment
Regrettably, you have made the number-one error of all average frustrated chumps the world over—you have invested too heavily too early on, and this has pushed her away. It is a trope of human nature that which is to available to us is immediately tarnished and soon becomes detestable. And if you indicate to a woman upfront—through your investment level—that you are unequivocally available, then she will be repelled.
Don’t assume that she is so sweet and innocent that she will be grateful for your ministrations. That is naive in the extreme. Instead, control your urge to go over-the-top, and instead, treat her like you would any other girl—in the initial stages at least. If you get on well, and it does develop into a relationship then, of course, you can treat her then.
But never forget that you won’t enjoy the warm comfort of comfort and affection before you have first ignited the white-hot heat of attraction.
Just Meet Her For Drinks
So follow the attraction model. Take her out for a drink, and make the interaction sexy. Flirt with her. Make it clear (in your eye contact, in your tonality, in your touch, and even directly) what it is you want. If she rejects you then fine—plenty more fish. If she doesn’t, then take things further.
After you’ve slept with her and you’ve spent a bit of time with her, then you can determine whether or not this is someone you want to be in a relationship. And at that point, it’s perfectly OK to start organising trips to the zoo, and walks in the park, and so on. If that’s your thing.
But for a first date? No, keep things simple. Any other approach could well be counterproductive, and wreak, rather than improve, your chances.
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