If you’ve ever looked at the internet or stepped outside your house, guaranteed you’ve encountered a BBW. What is a “BBW” you ask? BBW stands for “Big Beautiful Woman,” although the “beautiful” part is kinda just thrown in there. The important part is “big.” Not just regular fat, I’m talking super fucking ‘Murica fat. Fat enough to write a W4M Craigslist ad. The big question is, how do you get fat as fuck, fast as fuck? Get yo’ health on, and learn how to use the BBW Food Pyramid to build that bulk!

BBW Food Pyramid

Ham group – Limit your ham intake to 1-2 servings per day. Ham contains unessential elements such as protein, so this food is best used as a flavor supplement.

Cheesecake/Ice Cream Group – This food group is as essential as it is delicious. The major problem with cheesecake or ice cream is that it involves repeated trips to the fridge. This may result in unnecessary calorie deficits. Try to eat 7-9 daily servings from this group as fast as possible, but be careful to avoid brain freeze!

Kentucky Fried Group – This group is an excellent post-cheesecake snack and can be consumed for up to 120 hours without being refrigerated. Use food from this group to balance out any ice cream intake with the nutritional value of grease and chicken skin. Try to obtain 5-9 servings with a single trip through the drive thru as multiple trips means more burned calories.

Doritos/Cheez-It/Nachos Group – This food group is one of the most overlooked, yet possibly the most important. Many BBWs fall short of hitting daily cheese flavoring quotas, which can lead to undesirable underarm flavor. Doritos and Cheez-Its provide essential vitamins and minerals as well as a quick burst of corn-based energy for long sessions in front of The Price Is Right. Add in extra servings of liquid nacho cheese for necessary chip hydration.

7-Eleven Group – This food group is plentiful and readily available on many street corners. If you need to travel more than three blocks to obtain this food group, move closer to a 7-11. Make sure to include every 7-11 item into your diet, including taquitos, pizza, mini donuts, Big Gulps, candy bars and Slurpees®. 7-11 nachos are a good crossover food, so double up on nacho cheese to add to any other food group. Try not to exceed more than 22 servings per day or you may shit blood.

Thirst Group – Becoming a BBW means twerking up a sweat while you eat. Make sure to remain adequately quenched throughout the BBW process with 25-40 daily servings from the Thirst Group. Mountain Dew, Dr. Pepper and beer are great for a hot day. If it’s cold outside, feel free to add in extra helpings of Starbucks. Ensure that caramel, whipped cream and sugar are added, as plain Starbucks coffee is needlessly flavor-free.

If you stick to this Yum Brands-approved BBW Food Pyramid, you’ll be on your way to health and fatness in no time!

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