Dealing With Dangerous Game: Fatty Edition

The world we live in has many strange and interesting creatures. Some are docile and of mild temperament, others can be vicious and dangerous.  When a man goes out in the world he must be cognizant of his surroundings. He must know how to keep himself safe around dangerous animals in order to live another day.

Grizzly bears inhabit the forest, lions live on the Serengeti, and tigers hunt in the jungles of Asia. While these dangerous animals are far from the urban areas that the modern man inhabits, he should not let his guard down. There is a dangerous animal that lives in his environment. This animal is known as the “fatty”. This animal is dangerous in many ways and a man should know how to react in cases of attack.

Fatties are known to be shortsighted, irrational, and have a total lack of self control. They are somewhat immune to societal pressures but oddly, they are herd creatures. Their grazing habits are predictable and similar in addiction to any narcotic junky. They can become confrontational at any perceived slight and due to their bulk, present a lot of kinetic energy when they charge. Their cackles and hollers also have the ability to summon other fatties to cause a very damaging stampede. Utilizing these characteristics, a man can adequately prepare himself for a dangerous encounter.

Avoidance is one method to defend against fatties. While curtailing social activities to avoid fatties can be cumbersome, it is still an option. One must recognize the places and circumstances where fatties may appear and congregate. They tend to gather around food supplies and air conditioning. Places that have these features include Wal Mart, McDonald’s, and malls. The less expensive the place, the higher probability of a fatty encounter, such as a buffet or a Waffle House. A man could avoid a mauling by staying away from such places.

Obstacles are another method to defend against the wild and dangerous fatty. If one were to anger a fatty, utilizing obastacles to slow and/or stop their advance can be useful. Fatties are not known for their problem solving abilities, so the more complicated the obstacle, the more effective it will be. Examples include tables, cars, punji sticks, and anti tank ditches. WARNING: A FATTY’S BULK CAN ALLOW HER TO BREAK THROUGH MANY OBSTACLES.

Flight is another mechanism to avoid harm from a fatty attack. A man should be able to outrun a fatty over distances. He should also have the ability to out sprint a fatty. While fatties are slow and lack endurance, they have been observed in the wild sprinting at high rates of speed for very short distances. This has occurred when there is only one piece of cake left at a party and when the bouquet is thrown at a wedding reception. Also, climbing up something like a tree or a flight of stairs is an effective method to evade fatties. Be sure to select a tree with enough girth so it cannot be knocked over.

Direct engagement with fatties is another method of defending oneself. Aside from the the legal ramifications of such an act, there are many problems with this method. Fatties tend to have poor hygiene habits so physical contact can be unsanitary. Their physiology provides many unique difficulties to overcome. Their thick skull is an effective counter to blows to the head. Their bulk is a good defense against projectile weapons. While big game cartridges such as .300 Winchester magnum and .338 Lapua can put a fatty down, a man would have a difficult time explaining to a grand jury why he was packing such a weapon outside of Africa. The likely calibers a man would have on him such as 9mm, .40 and .45 lack the energy necessary to stop a charging fatty. This method is not recommended.

If avoidance and obstacles fail, a man can use the final method: distraction. If you notice a fatty stirring toward hostility, change the channel on the TV to the Food Network. If she is getting upset, tell her it’s two for one day at Chipotle. If she starts to attack, throw some food item one way and run in the opposite direction.

In summary, a man should avoid fatties. If they cannot be avoided, a man should be wary for when they become agitated. A man should be ready to react when the fatties charge and stampede.

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