America continues its glorious descent into the hell that was foretold by our Puritan forefathers. A rapidly increasing piece of the populace threatens the delicate social order of America: fat people. Fat people sometimes go by ‘fatties,’ ‘fatasses’ or ‘gluttons,’ whose putrid and unsightly waistlines will taste the cleansing fires of Hell. Regardless, they highlight some dark and horrific realities about America.
1. Fatties Only Give A Shit About Themselves
Fat people are all self-absorbed assholes. Like an alcoholic, all they care about is the next slice of double stuffed crust pizza cruising down the conveyor belt. Instead of craving the high of drunkenness, they lust for the rush of harmful nutrition.
Woe is he who decides to be a part of a fattie’s life; he will always come second to her desire for the next piece of fried chicken. To them, you don’t have needs, you exist to make sure she gets her Whopper fresh. Sure, she feigns gratitude when you bring her burger and fries, but beware: when the high wears off, she will target you. All that matters to her is constantly eating. They hate Paleo diets and abhor vegetarianism. Their supreme desire to consume their world represents their inability to improve.
2. Fatties Don’t Give A Shit About Their Appearance
Consider the depressing blog People of Walmart. Walmart isn’t just representative of our mindless consumerist society or the entrenchment of corporations as the ultimate authority figures in America. It also shows how far the average American has fallen. People used to care about their appearance because they cared about society around them and their contribution to it.
No more. Fatties roam the aisles of Walmart, armed with obesity-induced rage, and a wardrobe that reflects a person half their size. Their unwashed ass-cracks hang out at every other free food stand, their cellulite is disgustingly on display in the frozen pizza aisle and their guts hang over the check-out aisle because they are too fucking lazy to self check-out.
3. Fatties Are Often Feminists
Considering how self-absorbed feminists are, it only makes sense for them and fatties to unite. This often takes the form of “fat acceptance,” which is always couched in feminism, which means it is meaningless. It claims people are not responsible for their personal choices, that other people exist to validate them or mollify their self-hatred as it inevitably bubbles up when McDonald’s runs out of nuggets. Their feminism is simple extension—others exist to maintain their personal emotional state. And that state is never your responsibility. It was the gift of fatphobic patriarchy that privileges those who care about themselves over those who want to waste away in a fat-encased shell of a human body.
4. Fatties Smell Horrible
Studies have conclusively proven that fat people are the cause of global warming. In order to understand this mind-blowing epiphany, understand that fatties have a difficult times processing the livestock feed they slip down their gullets. When food hits their intestines, their body has no option but to expel the waste as gas. As such, unbelievable levels of methane and other dangerous gasses are emitted through their distressed and overworked anuses. These released gasses have contributed greatly to man-made global warming.
Even if you don’t believe in global warming, understand that that foul smell you encounter on the streets of America is a direct result of fat people. Since their bodies can’t handle the feed they force into their mouths, they expel offensive and putrid scents. The next time you encounter a foul smell, blame the nearest fatty. Or knock the drumstick out of their hand. Either way, you are doing the Lord’s work.
5. Fatties Are Creepy As Fuck
Face it, fat people are creepy as fuck. Their self-hatred makes you pity them and their poor nutritional understanding makes you feel bad. Fat women are worse. You can see the look in their eyes, the dead look of a person long-past caring about themselves, motivated only by the fleeting, short-term thrills of bingeing on unhealthy foods. They pretend their “curves”—which is really just one, expansive bowling-ball of flesh—are sexy to men. Of course, they refuse to date or have sex with fat men, as those people are disgusting, but men should and need to find them attractive. They creepily stalk men online and in real life, pretending nobody notices their geological impact. Healthy people avert their gaze from the afflicted and proceed without noting their existence. All this blatant self-hatred reeks of an emotional life not lived.
In sum, fat people are evil personified. Their self-possession is borne of self-hatred, and it’s perpetuated by their desire to destroy their bodies with the widest spectrum of unhealthy foods. Don’t try to help them – they want you to worship them or hate them. If you want them to improve, ignore them. They will either slip into depression or lash out violently. Either way, you expose them for who they are: tyrants with a chili dog in one hand and a Diet Coke in the other.