When I turned 21 I went to the Orthodox Church I was baptized in and gave my first confession, an acceptable way to apologize to God. That same night, I received a vision from God which, to the best of my interpretation, said that if I let my Christianity fall then my honor would also fall.

I still think about this vision when I casually suggest to a young girl that we should go get something to drink, and somehow find ourselves in my bedroom. Am I losing my honor?

I’m ashamed that I can’t find happiness as a Christian. I never wanted to disobey God, but I understand why Adam took the apple from Eve—life outside of game doesn’t seem to be worth living. So sweet and enticing was the siren call of easy sex that it was impossible for my heartbroken 23 year old virgin self to resist.

Thus I followed the serpent and found the secrets of game. I came to understand how emotional manipulation operated, what niche I could best score women, and how to get fast sex. I corrupted myself because I stopped believing in love.

You have heard that it was said, ‘You shall not commit adultery.’

But I tell you that anyone who looks at a woman lustfully has already committed adultery with her in his heart.

I distinctly remember the time when I used to turn down offers for sex. If it seemed that a girl was only good for one thing then I never saw a point to the affair. Love was God’s solution, lust led to hell.

The virgin I fell in love with in college didn’t make it past her second year. She continued the charade of maintaining abstinence despite going into guys dorm rooms at 3am after receiving a phone call.

As it slowly dawned on me that for every chaste woman there were ten chaste men; that my culture actively destroyed women as love partners; that promiscuity for both sexes was promoted and rewarded; that my culture was dying with no chance of being a good place to live in my lifetime; I was faced with the unavoidable and grim conclusion: does a man want to please God in today’s world? Celibacy is his only realistic option, as it is just as sinful to be a beta who pines away for women as it is to be an alpha who plows through them.

Who can live a life without sexual intimacy? The very idea is inhuman. To be a good Christian is therefore super human. If celibacy is what it takes to be a good Christian today, then I will never be a good Christian.  I am not strong enough for that.

Merry Christmas, everyone.

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