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August 22nd, 2013

The 10 College Commandments


It’s that time of year again, the weather is getting cooler, girls are putting on underwear, college kids are eagerly anticipating a fresh semester full of partying, poon, and of course, studying. Ahem. Back in the day around 1958, when I was in college, no one wrote a guide on what to do and how to dominate college life. The closest ‘guide’ we had was National Lampoon’s Animal House, which wasn’t too bad, but was hard to access at a party when you needed information in a clutch.

Well, your generation is much luckier, besides ObamaCare and the feminization of men, but that’s another story, because I’m presenting you the 10 Commandments of College, which will change your college experience forever and for the better. Study them like you would for a mid-term and you will be the Van Wilder of your campus (with good grades).


The things I would do to this slut…curse words cannot explain…

10. Study (but not too much)

Unlike Van Wilder, of course you must study, however, don’t become the guy in the library every waking hour with zero social life and a pair of blue balls. College is about balance. Balancing one pair of tits while sucking on another pair. Kidding. Seriously though, it’s bullshit to spend, or get loans for college to only experience the library and exam after exam. If there is one guarantee I can promise you, it’s this: College is it’s OWN experience. Once it’s over, no matter what, life will not be the same. Enjoy the hell out of it.

Study moderately, get good grades and keep moving. If you struggle a lot with school, then give up and become a rapper or pro athlete. Kidding. Kind of.

9. Get Involved

Show me a popular man on campus and I’ll show you a young cat who’s involved with campus life. The stoner who hasn’t left his dorm room all weekend? Not so much. Doesn’t mean you have to be Mr. Gung-Ho, which in and of itself is annoying as fuck, but find out what your interests are, besides getting tragically wasted and nutting on cute co-eds cunts and put some effort out.

In order to have friends one must be friendly (or have a lot of money haha), so talk to everyone, find your niche and refrain from being a closet freak playing Xbox every fucking weekend until you have callouses on your thumbs.


This picture has nothing to do with the article but it’s fucking hysterical

8. Be The Alpha In At Least 1 Group

This ties in with the 9th Commandment: Get Involved. How does one build status on campus? By being the fun partier AND the leader of one organization/school club/frat president. If your school has a Greek system and you want to rush then  go ahead. I went to a Big 10 school and we had a massive Greek system. I didn’t rush and still had a blast and fucked many many many sorority sluts, so don’t think your life is ruined if you’re not Alpha Nutus Cuntus.

The line between those who become professional partiers and the nerds are the cats who figure out that they are in the process of 3 different things at all times: 1. Coming from somewhere. 2. Doing something. 3. Going somewhere. This is a constant no matter what.

1. Coming From Somewhere: you just finished high school and now have some real freedom. Hopefully you went to school at least a few hours away so your dad can’t jump in his Jeep Grand Wagoner with wood paneling and surprise your ass.

2. Doing Something Now: You’re IN college. You are experiencing college right this second: every moment that happens, every good and bad experience adds up to the complete college experience. Live in the NOW to a certain extent.

3. You’re Going Somewhere: You have a future and what you do now affects that. Live in the now, while also remembering that one day college will be over and the real world will kick in and with such swiftness, you’ll hit the ground gripping your balls like Ben Stiller in Dodgeball.

By being the leader or president of one social group/club, you will not only build confidence as an alpha male, but you will start to garner a reputation of being ‘the man’ for a certain niche group. This is good and is a building block for your social value to grow from.


Yes, I’m aware ‘Complain’ is spelled wrong. Blame the web; not me.

7. Don’t Gutter Fuck

I know it’s been three weeks since you’ve been laid and that cuddly fat cock-slurping chick in the corner is eye-fucking you, but don’t do it buddy. Once word gets out you fucked ole Margaret then good luck getting with the 8+ camp of poon and you’ll be dubbed Fatty Fucker by the entire student body.

Chicks gossip, in fact, they love to gossip and by the time you pull your A&F boxers back up, ole Margaret will have Facebooked and tweeted about your little sexscapades. Especially if you are way above her level. This calls for attention whoring! An alpha male thought I was good enough to dip his cock into. Just don’t. Thank me later.


Have your pick. Welcome to college. Good ole ASU never fails.

6. Don’t Be Ruled By Emotions

Average college attendee age is around 18-22, so during this transition time from adolescent into young adult, you will have varying degrees of emotions. Wow, that sounded clinical. Yawn. Point is, is that with this transition time comes events, both good and bad, that will happen to you. It’s called Life and sometimes it’s a real bitch. While college years are the best years of your life, it can also be the playground of major Class A Fuckups. I’ve seen friends fuck up and ruin their lives because they didn’t think things through well enough before responding.


You’re at a house party doing shots of Jager with a cute blonde with an ass like a bubblegum jar. Round n tight! You have to piss like a racehorse so you bounce to the bathroom only to return to see her being chatted up by Big Derek the football captain. Fuck. The Jager has you feeling invincible so you walk up and stupidly push him in the chest. “I was talking to her bruh!” Well, Big Derek faceplants you into the refrigerator (like you deserve) and now you’re slipping and sliding on the blood and loose teeth sliding around on the kitchen floor.

You decide to get even and go get a bat in your friend’s room. You walk back in and clunk Big D on the back of the head. Oops. Turns out you put Big D into a coma and now you’re facing felony assault charges and will go to prison for at least a couple of years. All over a cute blonde who’s name you forgot and not being able to control your temper. Get my drift?

I had my college bar fights and luckily didn’t get arrested or jailed, however, we live in a different age nowadays, so be a man, hold your ground, but be smart and THINK before taking action over an insult or slight. Jail isn’t as fun as college. Trust me.

 5. Do Spring Break

If you want to have unbridled absolute drunken fun, then plan to go to Mexico for at least one Spring Break. Topless sluts dying for Cock N’ Cum, plenty of alcohol and enough sunburn to send you straight to Cancer Treatment Centers of America. My suggestion: There are Spring Break College Tours who will HIRE you to come for free, get paid and show other students around. Inside tip: It’s NOT work; it’s a fucking joke and it could very well be the best Pussy Funnel yet for you. Damn I miss college.


Note the brunette’s little high-tops on the far right: instant sack drainer for me.

4. Ditch The Losers

I may sound like your Dad, but dammit it’s true: You’re the average of your 5 closest friends. Stop fucking around with losers who are going nowhere in there life. Become friends with the movers and shakers who will be able to set you up with jobs, loans for entrepreneurial endeavors etc. It’s not high school anymore. You can start fresh. You don’t owe Skinny Pete (Breaking Bad reference) a mutherfucking thing so leave him be and create a new posse of badass dudes who are tearing up campus (in a good way), and are headed down a path of success. They say that the friends who you make in college wind up being your friends for life. This tends to be very true.


3. Fuck A Lot Of Girls

College is like a buffet my friend and never is there a better playground for dipping your dick. Girls get their first taste of freedom and are ready to rip their panties off for an alpah’s cock. A LOT of freshman girls have dumped their high school boyfriends for ‘New Experiences’, i.e. trying out new cocks and this is YOUR TIME. Stay away from the fatties and social retards, but anything that is cute, pump n dump. Do NOT get attached, trust me they aren’t attached to you.


Two heads are better than one

2. Do NOT Get A Girlfriend

No matter what gentlemen, DO NOT get a girlfriend in college. Nothing will RUIN your college experience more than being tied down with a ball and chain girlfriend. Guys night drinking beers and seeing who can slam the most cans against their head? Forget it! Thursday night ladies night at the Clucky Rooster Bar chugging down $3 well drinks and ending with two fresh freshman sluts sucking your cock? Hell no! Taking off for Spring Break with no tears and pleadings to stay? Don’t even think about it!

There’s plenty of time for a girlfriend, but IT IS NOT NOW. This is YOUR time to build new friendships with your buddies, kickass in school, workout and set the framework for your body for decades to come and of course, to fuck as many college sluts as your cock can handle. Pro-Tip: It’s a lot.


1. Enjoy The Experience

College unequivocally can be an incredible experience and possibly the best time of your life. Enjoy EVERY moment and live every weekend like it’s your last, minus the bat to Big Derek’s head. Generally speaking, your only real responsibilities are getting good grades and making sure the shirts are folding properly at your part-time Gap job. Live it up. I did well in school graduated with a 3.6GPA and had a full-ride Law school scholarship to a Top 20 Law School, only to turn it down and in the process send my dear mother into tears. Is what it is; I don’t regret it and wasn’t what I wanted to do. You know what I do regret? Not partying a little harder. 

In closing here’s a formula which worked for me and will work for you. Write it down and post it somewhere where it’s visible to you every day:

Study + Fitness + Game + Social = Best College Experience

Balance your life, do well in school, but remember, your grades is just a small part of the college experience. Don’t graduate with a 4.0GPA and a 1.0LPA (Life Point Average).

The most important book you’ll ever study in college and yes, I gave you cats a discount since you’re college students (Enter: CollegeSluts in the PROMO box to get a fat discount)

P.S. Fuck USC!

Read More: The 10 Slut Commandments

About the Author

is a best-selling author, former club owner and club VIP Host. Learn more Blog - Books - Podcast Follow him on Twitter: Twitter


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