I recently read on the BBC’s website that archaeologists in early August discovered a huge cache of Mayan artifacts in a Guatemalan pyramid. Hearing this news made me wonder just what our remote ancestors, when musing over the fragments of our own civilization, might think of us and our own culture. It would be useful to provide them with some sort of word-list, or glossary, so that the dominant dialect of modern America does not become as forgotten as the bewildering catalogue of Mayan heiroglyphs. This is the dialect of Americhick.
It is the speech of the American woman, in all of its bewildering, elusive, reversible-raincoat-rhetoric glory. The importance of recording the outlines of Americhick for posterity is clear when we consider the especially shifty nature of this patois. For while most languages are meant to convey information, Americhick is meant to distort it.
Below are listed some of the most frequently used terms of Americhick. The meaning of each term is then given, as it is actually interpreted by the average, early 21st century American woman. The cookie-cutter uniformity of the Americhick personality means that this glossary will be useful in any region of the United States (the territories of Guam and Puerto Rico are excepted). Feel free to laminate a printout of this list, for handy future desk reference, if the need to decode one of these terms should ever arise.
Answer. A response to a query she wished she had been asked, rather than the one she actually had been asked.
Effort. Something not needed for any relationship. See also: (1) grooming.
Sex. Something Americhicks think they’re good at, but are not.
Drama. The sum total of her life.
Attitude. A condition created when the real world does not match her fantasy.
Grooming. A concealment of incipient obesity or ugliness.
Nepotism. Getting a job on merit.
“Working the issues”. A phrase interchangeable with “looking busy”, used often for boasting about the same.
Self-important. An employed woman. See also: arrogant.
Logic. A mountain of jibberish concealing a pebble of fact.
Argument. Being wrong or off-point in a loud, snarky voice.
Poverty. Single-mother reality concealed by turbo-charged delusion.
Cruelty. Any attempt to impose standards, discipline, or manners on an Americhick.
Strength. A constant disposition to offend or insult.
Child. A living reminder of the Americhick carousel years.
Looking busy. Advanced attention-seeking behavior. Although it is harder to look busy than to be busy, looking busy gets an Americhick more attention, so is therefore more useful.
Validation. Electronic feel-good feedback from Facebook likes, Twitter re-tweets, friend requests, and beta male simping behavior. If validation drops below a certain level, extreme emotional distress is normally triggered.
Man. Any or all of the following: (1) A transmitter of electronic validation, (2) a bill payer, (3) an ATM machine, or (3) a host to an Americhick parasite.
Sex. The act of coitus. But what does not “count” as sex are any of the following: (1) sex on vacation, (2) revenge sex outside a relationship when she is angry with boyfriend/husband, or (3) sex with anyone less than once per month.
Alone. The unfortunate condition of having less than 10 beta orbiters.
Apology. Always to be received, never given. See also: respect.
Back. That part of the male anatomy in which is it most expedient to insert a knife.
Behavior. Physical actions guided by narcissism and selfishness.
Misogynist. A person holding an opinion about women or relationships that an Amerchick doesn’t like. Interchangeable with: racist, sexist, elitist.
Hair. Cut it off.
Celebrity. A spiritual guide, oracle, and ideal exemplar.
Phone call. Let it go into voicemail. Picking it up would involve effort and courtesy.
Hateful. Any subject matter or topic which an Americhik doesn’t really understand or makes her feel uncomfortable.
Cheap. A man who refuses to play host to her parasite.
Photo. An electronic image emitted to enhance her self-esteem. There is a proportional correlation between the quantity of emissions and the inflation of her ego. Represented mathematically by E = kP, where E stands for ego expansion measured in neurological feel-good feedback, P represents the volume of photos published on social media, and k is a constant.
Therapy. Session paid for by a man where she can blame her pre-scripted litany of misdeeds on the faults of others.
Abuse. A true or helpful suggestion made by a man to an Americhick more than once.
Promise. The expression of an unlikely possibility.
Flirt. Delivering snark.
Fairness. Unrestricted female privilege.
Equality. Unencumbered female privilege.
Feelings. Things she has but a man does not have.
Respect. Always to be received, never given. See also: apology.
Dialogue. A condescending, rude female monologue.
Discussion. A belligerent female monologue.
Debate. Hysterical female monologue.
Healthy weight. Overweight.
My career. My paper shuffling. See also: Looking busy.
Strong woman. Rude, disrespectful woman.
Divorce. The end of her starter marriage and the beginning of her second career, launched by the transfer of wealth from ex-husband to her.
Court. A dispenser of wealth to a woman.
Government. 1. An ATM machine. 2. Surrogate husband. See also: Court.
Patriarchy. A female excuse for failure in any endeavor.
Wife. A dependent of a husband masquerading as an equal partner.
Truth. A lie not yet discovered.
Kitchen. A room with a sink, table, and microwave, rarely visited.
Conversation. Complaining about imaginary health and beauty problems, hating on her girlfriends behind their backs, and discoursing on petty jealousies of all kinds.
Tattoo. Visible proof of conformity.
Morals. Situational and ever-changing.
So keep this list handy for quick and easy reference. I hope it helps you navigate the whirlpools and eddies of the frothy bounty that is Americhick language. Feel free to add to it based on the principle stated at the beginning of this post: to an Americhick, language is not meant to convey information, but to distort it.
Read More: Dictionary Of American Girlspeak, Volume I